When the Statistics are Sobering…

“Fewer than eight percent of all tries at making a baby in a lab dish will succeed,” U.S. researchers reported on Monday.

On the surface, that looks like a devastatingly small chance at becoming a parent.  If you are someone whose hope is rooted in statistics and whose confidence rests on probabilities, you might be deeply discouraged.  Especially if you’ve already tried IVF and failed.

Thank goodness that’s not the whole story.

Think about this…

The truth is, that for any given couple, the chances of IVF succeeding in a given cycle are either 100% or zero.  Those are the only two possibilities.  Either it will work for you, or it won’t.  The number eight doesn’t matter.  It’s not an option.  It is an average across thousands of strangers’ comprehensive IVF experiences.  Nothing more.

That number doesn’t predict your future, or control it.

It.

Doesn’t.

Matter.

Why?  Because, no matter what the outcome in a given cycle, every couple has a chance to progress on their journey toward parenthood.  That’s what matters because this journey is, in some ways, as important as the destination itself.

It is preparing you to be the committed parent God intends for you to be.  It is teaching you resilience, persistence, faith despite trial by fire, vital relationship skills, important self-care priorities, and so much more!  God is not wasting your time.  He is working on you, your relationship and your spiritual life – all while you make this journey.

Will the outcome be worth all the effort?

Yes, if you stop fighting God and start allowing Him to work in and through your story.  Stop doubting His presence and start trusting His timing.  Stop wondering how zero can ever lead to 100%, and realize that it very often does.

Still worried about that eight percent statistic?  Consider this…

One hundred percent of the couples who’ve studied the messages of Pregnant With Hope with me have become parents — all within a year.  One hundred percent of them had experienced zero success before that.

What made the difference?

Consistently, what changed was the depth of their faith in God’s control over the outcome, and their ability to find peace in the midst of uncertainty.   That was the spiritual destination God intended for them to reach before they became parents.

The next time you hear a statistic that rattles you, remind yourself:  God is in control 100% of the time, and that is the only statistic that really matters.

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For more inspiration and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com

Thankfulness Can Impact Fertility

Fertility specialist Dr. Alice Domar has spent years studying the correlation between aspiring mothers’ mindsets and the outcome of their infertility journeys.  Her clinical research has consistently found a high correlation between infertile women’s moods and their ability to conceive.  Study after study has shown that lower rates of depression and anxiety correlate to higher rates of pregnancy.

The implication is obvious:  Cheer up!

But it’s not that easy.

According to Domar and her colleagues, feelings of depression, isolation, anger and hostility — as well as stress-related symptoms (headaches, insomnia, etc.) — are common responses to infertility.  What’s the prescription for curing that?  Domar recommends infertile women “seek to restore a sense of joy, hope and well-being.”

Okay… but how?

How do you will yourself to feel something your heart can hardly comprehend?  How do you find joy in the midst of unending struggle?  Where do you find hope when you’re faced with constant heartache, despair and grief?  It’s not as easy as Domar makes it sound.

But, good news.  There is one thing that works:  the power of a thankful heart.  You cannot change your circumstances, but you can change your perspective on them.  Doing that will begin to turn the psychological tide.

Three days ago, I wrote that God’s will is for us to give thanks in all circumstances.  It’s not His will because He wants to mandate gratitude.  It is His will because thankfulness changes our focus.  It  helps us remember the promise that “all things work together for good.”  It reminds us to trust that God is a promise-keeper.  It helps us remember that what looks bad won’t always be bad; our circumstances can and will change.

Giving thanks reaffirms that nothing happens by accident.  Whether or not we understand God’s purpose, we can be confident of His purposefulness.  He is always in control, and nothing comes into our lives without His permission – and His determination to use it for good.  Abundant blessings are part of His plan “to prosper and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.”

How do you muster gratitude when all you ever get is bad news and failed outcomes?  What can you sincerely thank God for?  See if any of these expressions of gratitude fit your current circumstances:

Thank you that there’s more to my story than today’s bad news.  Thank you that every day moves me one step closer to the blessing that awaits us.  Thank you that you already know the happy ending.  Thank you for other infertile couples; they remind me that we’re not alone.  Thank you for other couple’s good news which reminds me that anything is possible.  Thank you that my trust is not in doctors or statistics, but in the only one who has control over how this story will unfold.

Thank you for those who encourage me; their love and concern comfort me.  Thank you for the resources we have to tackle this problem:  doctors, clinics, medicines, procedures and more.  Thank you for this struggle because it strengthens my commitment to being an amazing parent when I finally get the chance.  And thank you for inspiring messages that empower me — giving me actionable strategies and hope.

Did anything there stir up an inkling of gratitude?  If so, express it frequently;  if not, create your own list.  Whatever you are thankful for, voice it to God and watch your perspective begin to change.

If Domar is right, you will not only be following God’s advice.  Your new outlook will directly impact your fertility.   How’s that for worth a try?

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For more inspiration and cause for hope, click this link…

Living Like a Leper

“As Jesus was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him.  They stood at a distance and called out in a loud voice, ‘Jesus, Master, have pity on us!’  When he saw them, he said, ‘Go, show yourselves to the priests.’  And as they went, they were cleansed.”

Why do these verses matter to couples struggling through infertility?  Because they provide a template for the transformation from suffering outsiders to blessed & favored ones.

Interested?

At the start of this 4-sentence story, a group of outcasts – set apart (literally and figuratively) by their affliction – call across the gulf of separation.  They’ve been driven out of their community by an affliction they do not fully understand.  They’ve realized they cannot heal themselves.  And they won’t be welcomed back by society unless they are “normal.”  They know that only a miracle can heal them and pave the way for their return.

So, they intercept Jesus on his way to minister to the community that rejected them.  From a distance, they call out to him.  Their words – “have pity on us!” – reflect the truth of their pitiable condition, and their understanding that only compassion can overcome the typical response to their affliction:  fear and judgment.  Please, they beg, let your compassion overwhelm any other emotion… and then, do something to help us.

Jesus hears them, and he responds.  Not by running in the other direction, as most people do when the lepers announce their presence.  Jesus responds by telling them how to change their circumstances by faith.  He says, “Go, show yourselves to their priests.”  In other words, go to those who will confirm that your suffering has ended.  You are no longer a victim.  Your affliction is gone.  You are healed.  It’s over.  What he doesn’t say – but what they sense – is that by the time they get to the priests, they will be “normal” again.

And it happens.

They head for the priests, still lepers.  They arrive, healthy men.  They respond to Jesus’ instruction in faith, and Jesus heals them on the way.  They don’t wait for evidence, and then depart.  Jesus says, “Go” and they hit the road, trusting that He will transform them.

That’s the template.

Too often, infertility makes couples live like lepers — set apart, judged, condemned and forgotten.  They sink into isolation and despair.  But, it doesn’t have to be that way.

If we want our suffering transformed by a miracle, we need to step out in faith.  We need to trust that a miracle is in the works before we see the evidence.  We need to claim God’s promise that all things are possible, and believe that the lepers’ story can be our story, too.

Will it be?  Scripture is full of stories of suffering people whose circumstances changed in an instant; repeatedly, Jesus told them, “your faith has healed you.”  He meant, your willingness to believe opened the door for me.  You invited me into your story when you believed I would come.  When you called for help and believed I heard you and cared.

Don’t think of yourself as a helpless victim.  Don’t live like a leper.  You can call for help any time.  The One who healed the lepers – simply by willing it to be so – is ready to respond to you, too.

Are you ready to believe that He will?

===================================================

For more resources and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com

Bad Statistics, Good Outcomes

“Fewer than eight percent of all tries at making a baby in a lab dish will succeed,” U.S. researchers reported on Monday.

On the surface, that looks like a devastatingly small chance at becoming a parent.  If you are someone whose hope is rooted in statistics and whose confidence rests on probabilities, you might be deeply discouraged.  Especially if you’ve already tried IVF and failed.

Thank goodness that’s not the whole story.

Think about this…

The truth is, that for any given couple, the chances of IVF succeeding in a given cycle are either 100% or zero.  Those are the only two possibilities.  Either it will work for you, or it won’t.  The number eight doesn’t matter.  It’s not an option.  It is an average across thousands of strangers’ entire IVF experiences.  Nothing more.

That number doesn’t predict your future, or control it.

It.  Doesn’t.  Matter.

Why?  Because, no matter what the outcome in a given cycle, every couple has a chance to progress on their journey toward parenthood.  That’s what matters because this journey is, in some ways, as important as the destination itself.

It is preparing you to be the committed parent God intends for you to be.  It is teaching you resilience, persistence, faith despite trial by fire, vital relationship skills, important self-care priorities, and so much more!  God is not wasting your time.  He is working on you, your relationship and your spiritual life – all while you make this journey.

Will the outcome be worth all the effort?

Yes, if you stop fighting God and start allowing Him to work in and through your story.  Stop doubting His presence and start trusting His timing.  Stop wondering how zero can ever lead to 100%, and realize that it very often does.

Still worried about that eight percent statistic?  Consider this…

One hundred percent of the couples who’ve studied the messages of Pregnant With Hope with me have become parents — all within a year.  One hundred percent of them had experienced zero success before that.

What made the difference?

Consistently, what changed was the depth of their faith in God’s control over the outcome, and their ability to find peace in the midst of uncertainty.   That was the spiritual destination God intended for them to reach before they became parents.

The next time you hear a statistic that rattles you, remind yourself:  God is in control 100% of the time, and that is the only statistic that really matters.

======================================================

For more inspiration and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com

The Infertility-Altering Power of a Thankful Heart

Fertility specialist Dr. Alice Domar has spent years studying the correlation between aspiring mothers’ mindsets and the outcome of their infertility journeys.  Her clinical research has consistently found a high correlation between infertile women’s moods and their ability to conceive.  Study after study has shown that lower rates of depression and anxiety correlate to higher rates of pregnancy.

The implication is obvious:  Cheer up!

But it’s not that easy.

According to Domar and her colleagues, feelings of depression, isolation, anger and hostility — as well as stress-related symptoms (headaches, insomnia, etc.) — are common responses to infertility.  What’s the prescription for curing that?  Domar recommends infertile women “seek to restore a sense of joy, hope and well-being.”

Okay… but how?

How do you will yourself to feel something your heart can hardly comprehend?  How do you find joy in the midst of unending struggle?  Where do you find hope when you’re faced with constant heartache, despair and grief?  It’s not as easy as Domar makes it sound.

But, good news.  There is one thing that works:  the power of a thankful heart.  You cannot change your circumstances, but you can change your perspective on them.  Doing that will begin to turn the psychological tide.

Two days ago, I wrote that God’s will is for us to give thanks in all circumstances.  It’s not His will because He wants to mandate gratitude.  It is His will because thankfulness changes our focus.  It  helps us remember the promise that “all things work together for good.”  It reminds us to trust that God is a promise-keeper.  It helps us remember that what looks bad won’t always be bad; our circumstances can and will change.

Giving thanks reaffirms that nothing happens by accident.  Whether or not we understand God’s purpose, we can be confident of His purposefulness.  He is always in control, and nothing comes into our lives without His permission – and His determination to use it for good.  Abundant blessings are part of His plan “to prosper and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.”

How do you muster gratitude when all you ever get is bad news and failed outcomes?  What can you sincerely thank God for?  See if any of these expressions of gratitude fit your current circumstances:

Thank you that there’s more to my story than today’s bad news.  Thank you that every day moves me one step closer to the blessing that awaits us.  Thank you that you already know the happy ending.  Thank you for other infertile couples; they remind me that we’re not alone.  Thank you for other couple’s good news which reminds me that anything is possible.  Thank you that my trust is not in doctors or statistics, but in the only one who has control over how this story will unfold.

Thank you for those who encourage me; their love and concern comfort me.  Thank you for the resources we have to tackle this problem:  doctors, clinics, medicines, procedures and more.  Thank you for this struggle because it strengthens my commitment to being an amazing parent when I finally get the chance.  And thank you for inspiring messages that empower me — giving me actionable strategies and hope.

Did anything there stir up an inkling of gratitude?  If so, express it frequently;  if not, create your own list.  Whatever you are thankful for, voice it to God and watch your perspective begin to change.

If Domar is right, you will not only be following God’s advice.  Your new outlook will directly impact your fertility.   How’s that for worth a try?

===================================================

For more inspiration and cause for hope, click this link…

Getting Up from Rock Bottom

I frequently receive emails from people wanting to know if there’s a PregnantWithHope support group in their area.  If there’s not, I always encourage them to consider starting one.  That’s how it works: someone musters enough courage and determination to risk outing themself as infertile, and then they find support by asking, “Is anyone else struggling?”

It’s easy to say…, but I know it can feel like too much to tackle if you’re already completely overwhelmed (and emotionally undone) by the infertility journey.

So, here’s an alternative.

Kelli emailed me about finding PregnantWithHope.com, and then creating her support group of one.  “I found your site when I was at rock bottom with infertility.  At that point, all I needed was some hope and your site brought that.  I worked through your book this summer with another girlfriend that is struggling and we both found so much comfort from it.  I truly felt God working in my life and helping me with my pain.”

Just one other person was all it took to create a sense of supportive community.  Here’s why:

“Where two or more have gathered in my name, I am there in their midst” [Matthew 18:20].

When we honor God by seeking Him – His help, His peace, His strength, His wisdom – He responds.  The Bible promises, “Come near to God and He will come near to you.”  God kept this promise to Kelli and her friend in their tiny little support group.

As they worked through Pregnant With Hope, they were able to see their journey from a different perspective – one that immersed them in messages of hope and peace.  The book reminded them of the promises of a faithful God – promises specifically relevant to the infertility journey.  It guided their conversations by giving them questions to discuss.  And, it enabled them to “hear” and be encouraged by the stories of other couples who made the same journey and then become parents.

Now pregnant with twins, Kelli says, “I know God answers prayers and He showed me that again.”

If you live in an area that doesn’t have a PregnantWithHope support group, don’t give up.  Instead, find one person to share your struggle with:  your partner, another person going through infertility, a compassionate friend, a loving family member, a Stephen Minister (from your church or someone else’s)….  Simply by sharing your story and inviting God to enter more fully into it, you will begin to find the help and hope you need.

Then one day, like Kelli, you’ll be emailing me to say, “Susan, I’ve got great news to share!”

=====================================================

For more inspiration, resources and cause for hope, click this link

Tired of Living Like Lepers?

“As Jesus was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him.  They stood at a distance and called out in a loud voice, ‘Jesus, Master, have pity on us!’  When he saw them, he said, ‘Go, show yourselves to the priests.’  And as they went, they were cleansed.”

Why do these verses matter to couples struggling through infertility?  Because they provide a template for the transformation from suffering outsiders to blessed & favored ones.

Interested?

At the start of this 4-sentence story, a group of outcasts – set apart (literally and figuratively) by their affliction – call across the gulf of separation.  They’ve been driven out of their community by an affliction they do not fully understand.  They’ve realized they cannot heal themselves.  And they won’t be welcomed back by society unless they are “normal.”  They know that only a miracle can heal them and pave the way for their return.

So, they intercept Jesus on his way to minister to the community that rejected them.  From a distance, they call out to him.  Their words – “have pity on us!” – reflect the truth of their pitiable condition, and their understanding that only compassion can overcome the typical response to their affliction:  fear and judgment.  Please, they beg, let your compassion overwhelm any other emotion… and then, do something to help us.

Jesus hears them, and he responds.  Not by running in the other direction, as most people do when the lepers announce their presence.  Jesus responds by telling them how to change their circumstances by faith.  He says, “Go, show yourselves to their priests.”  In other words, go to those who will confirm that your suffering has ended.  You are no longer a victim.  Your affliction is gone.  You are healed.  It’s over.  What he doesn’t say – but what they sense – is that by the time they get to the priests, they will be “normal” again.

And it happens.

They head for the priests, still lepers.  They arrive, healthy men.  They respond to Jesus’ instruction in faith, and Jesus heals them on the way.  They don’t wait for evidence, and then depart.  Jesus says, “Go” and they hit the road, trusting that He will transform them.

That’s the template.

Too often, infertility makes couples live like lepers — set apart, judged, condemned and forgotten.  They sink into isolation and despair.  But, it doesn’t have to be that way.

If we want our suffering transformed by a miracle, we need to step out in faith.  We need to trust that a miracle is in the works before we see the evidence.  We need to claim God’s promise that all things are possible, and believe that the lepers’ story can be our story, too.

Will it be?  Scripture is full of stories of suffering people whose circumstances changed in an instant; repeatedly, Jesus told them, “your faith has healed you.”  He meant, your willingness to believe opened the door for me.  You invited me into your story when you believed I would come.  When you called for help and believed I heard you and cared.

Don’t think of yourself as a helpless victim.  Don’t live like a leper.  You can call for help any time.  The one who healed the lepers – simply by willing it to be so – is ready to respond to you, too.

Are you ready to believe that he will?

===================================================

For more resources and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com

Fertility: Pay It Forward

“Here is a unique story with a great outcome.  I was able to use our experience to help Kendra’s mother get comfortable with the biological and ethical issues of the process….”

This is part of an email that landed in my inbox today.  It’s from a man who went through the infertility Bible study I taught for several years.  He and his wife shared their inspirational story in Pregnant with Hope, and they continue to “pay forward” the blessings of God by reaching out to other infertile couples.

He jokes that his wife can’t run an errand without meeting someone who happens to be going through infertility – “she’s like a magnet!”  She takes these encounters very seriously – believing God has pre-ordained them because of her own experience – and so she prays over each of these new friends.  As much as he teases her about it, he seems to be doing his part to pay it forward, too.

Here’s the story he played a small part in, excerpted from a recent newspaper article:

When Kendra Allen lay in a maternity ward at Baptist Hospital in Nashville two years ago, giving birth to a son whose heart had stopped beating, her friend Nita was there. Kendra’s doctors told her she would never be able to have another child. She had developed a serious condition requiring weeks of bed rest and intravenous fluids with her first pregnancy. This pregnancy was even worse, and doctors warned she might not survive a third one.

So, Kendra and her husband began thinking about finding a surrogate mother. Kendra asked Nita and other friends to pray for her.  Nita supported the idea but never thought of herself as a viable candidate. For one thing Nita was almost 49. She also had difficult pregnancies in the past, ruling out a normal delivery. When another surrogate candidate dropped out, though, Nita volunteered.

In January, the two friends were back in the maternity ward. This time, Nita was giving birth, as surrogate mother for the newborn son of Kendra and John. No money ever changed hands; this surrogacy was about faith and friendship.  Both couples believe they have experienced a miracle and are “reveling in the graciousness and generosity of God,” said Kendra. “God is dancing with us and celebrating the life of this child.”

It’s hard to see the blessings in our own seasons of suffering, and hard to imagine that our suffering can be redeemed.  Truth be told, if we were offered a choice between accruing blessings amidst suffering or sidestepping suffering altogether, we’d probably take the latter.

Give me what I want now, and I’ll forgo the blessings later.  That’s the selfish, me-centric perspective that is part of our human nature.

But sometimes, God has a plan that incorporates our current suffering into a miraculous larger story.  The challenge, of course, is that we aren’t told how – or when – the story will unfold.  So, we must trust the author of the story and the promise that “all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose” [Rom 8:28].

Brian, the email’s author, would never have chosen to struggle through infertility.  But, his experience of God’s very real presence in and through it equipped him to talk with Kendra Allen’s mother.  To testify to God’s faithfulness, and to explain what Kendra was contemplating through the perspective of his own journey.  That helped her to be supportive – which was one piece of the larger puzzle that came together to create the picture of a new family.

Why does this matter to you?  It means that nothing you are experiencing is pointless.  It is part of the story that is unfolding in, through, and around you.  A story that is not just about you – but also about God’s faithfulness, purposefulness, and desire to work all things together for good.  He wants to work a miracle in your story, and then, to give you a role to play in other couple’s journeys.

One day, you, too, will have a chance to pay it forward.

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility & the One Egg Wonder

“Taking the 5 loaves and 2 fish and looking up to heaven, Jesus gave thanks…” [Mark 6:41].

My friend, Toni, is jokingly referred to as “the one egg wonder” by the staff at her reproductive endocrinologist’s office.  Having crossed the imaginary line between fertility and infertility on her 35^th birthday, she was told to get busy getting pregnant.  “When we talked to the doctor about statistics,” she says, “we realized we’d better try to do something, or it might be too late to do anything.”

Many failed IUIs later, after extensive soul-searching, she decided to go forward with IVF.  The retrieval resulted in one egg.  Toni was ecstatic—until her doctor explained that one egg was statistically dismal.  Not easily discouraged, Toni chose to cling to the hope that one egg was all she needed.

“The doctor told me, ‘you may want to consider adoption.’  Before even trying the IVF she was already expecting a negative outcome!  I remember saying, ‘I know you can only do what you can do, but there’s another factor involved here.  I didn’t want to say, ‘God is doing the work’ because I didn’t want to offend her, but that’s what I was thinking.”

Everyone at the doctor’s office regarded Toni as mildly delusional—until her son was conceived and delivered.

What did she know that they didn’t?  What gave her the sense that something virtually impossible was perfectly possible?  And how did she hold on to that confident expectation, even when the experts thought she was crazy?  According to Toni, she prayed with a thankful heart.  “I’ve always prayed ‘thank you’ for everything.  I learned the scriptures that were relevant to infertility.  Once I had that going for me, I just felt really confident.”

Jesus modeled that same confident expectation just before feeding 5,000 people with just 5 loaves and 2 fish.  Everyone around him saw lack, but Jesus saw plenty.

In the midst of infertility, it is our tendency to dwell on insufficiency.  We become obsessed with numbers that aren’t high enough, follicle counts that aren’t large enough, options that aren’t plentiful enough.

One egg?  Get serious!

We need to remember that the gap between our “realistic” perception of insufficiency and God’s knowledge of plenty is enormous.  And there’s only one way to bridge it:  by faith.  We aren’t given the gifts of foreknowledge or control; those are God’s territory.  But, we are invited to believe that “very little” can be “more than enough.”

It worked for Jesus.  It worked for Toni.  It could work for you.

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility & the Great Physician

(Nov. 30, 2009) BioNews, London – The World Health Organization (WHO), in conjunction with the International Committee for Monitoring Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ICMART), has formally recognized infertility as a disease in its new international glossary of Assistive Reproductive Technologies (ART) terminology.

Why does it matter if experts label infertility “a disease”?  What does that change for those of us who are struggling with it?

A disease connotes diagnose-ability.  Treat-ability.  Even, cure-ability.  What if you fall in the 10-20% of couples whose infertility can’t be explained?  For whom treatment doesn’t work?  For whom there is no apparent cure?  Does calling it a disease just rub salt in the wound?

Too often, infertility settles into a couple’s life and spirits like a cancer — with an unnerving sense of permanence.  The misery brings with it a profound sense of isolation. There may be millions of others battling the same “disease,” but they are nowhere to be found. Rarely do they choose to self-identify; the social stigma is too powerful. So, even as our spirits crave companionship, we feel increasingly apart, chosen for suffering we do not understand.

Separated from everything “normal,” we seem to be drifting further and further away from anything familiar. Where to? And why is God allowing this to happen?

When life is unfolding according to plan, most of us prefer to side-step the broad philosophical question of why people suffer, as if suffering—like a disease—could be contagious. But infertility propels the question to the forefront with desperate urgency.

The question becomes much more personal—“why me?”—and insistent when the suffering is our own.

In the beginning, all thoughts and feelings about infertility spring from the big, central question: “WHY?” With time, and without conceiving, the “why?” multiplies and metastasizes. Its offshoots begin to spring up everywhere. Why us? Why me? Why now? Why not? Why them?

Anxiety feeds the questions. Doubt does, too. Jealousy poisons many thoughts with toxic envy. The “why?” spreads to cover all aspects of the struggle to get pregnant, sinking its roots deep into the spirit: Why does everyone else…? Why haven’t we…? Why did they…? Why, if we…? Why, if they…? Why not us?!

This state of constant emotional turbulence is a disease.  A “dis-ease” that makes it impossible to recover a sense of equilibrium.  And this “dis-ease” seems even harder to treat than infertility itself.  What can possibly cure it but having our heart’s desire?

Nothing.

What doctor will take this case?

Only the great physician.  He alone can diagnose, treat, cure… and bless.  He alone.

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com