When Infertility & Ministry Collide: One Couple’s Story

Has anyone ever told you that the Bible is full of good advice?  That it has all the answers?  How did that make you feel?

In my experience, infertile couples tend to feel patronized when someone sends them to the Bible for answers.  Why?  I think because it feels like a spiritual brush-off – like a feigned attempt to help, wrapped in an artificial piety.  And why is that?  Because virtually no one seems to know where to find practical advice for infertile couples in scripture.

And why is that?

Because no one – in the church, or outside it – seems to think that the spiritual questions that accompany infertility are much of a priority… unless they find themselves making the journey.  Then, it takes on a whole new urgency.

I don’t think that irony is lost on God.

Here’s why….

A man and his wife joined our support group several years ago.  They were five years into their quest to conceive.  Still, they hadn’t shared their secret with anyone:  the husband was a minister, and the minister was struggling with infertility.

Week after week, as they processed grief and tried to muster hope, he felt compelled to stand before his congregation preaching on God’s faithfulness.  The obligation he felt to preach something he wasn’t experiencing – and increasingly struggled to believe – transformed the pulpit into a crucible.

At his wife’s urging, he finally stepped aside, and they began driving an hour each way to participate in our Bible study.  Free to express the doubts and fears they’d bottled up for years, they asked:  “Why is this happening?  What are we supposed to do?  How do we change this?  What does God want from us?!”

Now, timeout.  Look at this situation.  A minister came to a group of struggling souls searching for answers.  He didn’t have them.  He couldn’t find them in the Bible.  He felt as lost as they were.  But, he had the good sense (finally!) to ask for help.

Here’s the good news:  he and his wife both found answers, help and hope.  They rediscovered the power of God’s promise, “I am with you always.” And their spiritual lives began to show signs of new life.

One day, soon after the class ended, the wife called me.  She said that the weeks spent in our group had helped them find the peace that had been so elusive for so long.  They’d discovered that they were comfortable considering adoption – for the first time.  They’d completed a profile and, almost immediately, gotten a call.  Twins!  Due to be born in a week!

She started to cry.  “All along we were praying for twins, but we never told anyone.  No one knew… but God knew.  When we got that call, and they said ‘twins,’ we knew He was telling us He’d heard our prayers.”

Why did I share this story?  To say that ministers don’t have all the answers?  That the Bible can seem dense and confusing?  That it’s hard to know where to find actionable advice in scripture, especially in the midst of high-stress  infertility?

Yes.

And to say, it’s okay not to know all the answers.  Even if you’re a minister.  It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, hurt, confused and resentful.  It’s okay to express those feelings honestly and to get help dealing with them.  And yes, it’s okay to admit that infertility is crippling your spiritual life.  God won’t be angry.  Instead, He’ll step into your story.

Not sure where to find good advice in the Bible?  Your minister might not know either.  But you can make this journey together.  If you do, I think you’ll both learn a lot about the goodness of God.

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Equip your minister to help you and other infertile couples.  Pass on a copy of Pregnant With Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples or a link to this blog.

Searching for Help & Hope

Has anyone ever told you that the Bible is full of good advice?  That it has all the answers?  How did that make you feel?

In my experience, infertile couples tend to feel patronized when someone sends them to the Bible for answers.  Why?  I think because it feels like a spiritual brush-off – like a feigned attempt to help, wrapped in an artificial piety.  And why is that?  Because virtually no one seems to know where to find practical advice for infertile couples in scripture.

And why is that?

Because no one – in the church, or outside it – seems to think that the spiritual questions that accompany infertility are much of a priority… unless they find themselves making the journey.  Then, it takes on a whole new urgency.

I don’t think that irony is lost on God.

Here’s why….

A man and his wife joined our support group several years ago.  They were five years into their quest to conceive.  Still, they hadn’t shared their secret with anyone:  the husband was a minister, and the minister was struggling with infertility.

Week after week, as they processed grief and tried to muster hope, he felt compelled to stand before his congregation preaching on God’s faithfulness.  The obligation he felt to preach something he wasn’t experiencing – and increasingly struggled to believe – transformed the pulpit into a crucible.

At his wife’s urging, he finally stepped aside, and they began driving an hour each way to participate in our Bible study.  Free to express the doubts and fears they’d bottled up for years, they asked:  “Why is this happening?  What are we supposed to do?  How do we change this?  What does God want from us?!”

Now, timeout.  Look at this situation.  A minister came to a group of struggling souls searching for answers.  He didn’t have them.  He couldn’t find them in the Bible.  He felt as lost as they were.  But, he had the good sense (finally!) to ask for help.

Here’s the good news:  he and his wife both found answers, help and hope.  They rediscovered the power of God’s promise, “I am with you always.” And their spiritual lives began to show signs of new life.

One day, soon after the class ended, the wife called me.  She said that the weeks spent in our group had helped them find the peace that had been so elusive for so long.  They’d discovered that they were comfortable considering adoption – for the first time.  They’d completed a profile and, almost immediately, gotten a call.  Twins!  Due to be born in a week!

She started to cry.  “All along we were praying for twins, but we never told anyone.  No one knew… but God knew.  When we got that call, and they said ‘twins,’ we knew He was telling us He’d heard our prayers.”

Why did I share this story?  To say that ministers don’t have all the answers?  That the Bible can seem dense and confusing?  That it’s hard to know where to find actionable advice in scripture, especially in the midst of high-stress  infertility?

Yes.

And to say, it’s okay not to know all the answers.  Even if you’re a minister.  It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, hurt, confused and resentful.  It’s okay to express those feelings honestly and to get help dealing with them.  And yes, it’s okay to admit that infertility is crippling your spiritual life.  God won’t be angry.  Instead, He’ll step into your story.

Not sure where to find good advice in the Bible?  Your minister might not know either.  But you can make this journey together.  If you do, I think you’ll both learn a lot about the goodness of God.

=======================================================

Equip your minister to help you and other infertile couples.  Pass on a copy of Pregnant With Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples or a link to this blog.

Out-of-the-Box Thinking About Battling Infertility

What if instead of keeping your infertility a secret you actually told everyone?  I mean EVERYONE.  Before you say, “Never!” read this excerpt of a story from the San Francisco Chronicle:

Molly and Brian Walsh were in their mid-30’s when they married.  They wanted to start a family, but Brian has Marfan’s syndrome, a connective tissue disease, and they did not want to pass it on to their child.  They needed $25-30,000 for IVF with PGD (pre-implantation genetic diagnosis).  They saved $10,000.  Then, they did what is to many infertile couples unthinkable:  they went public.  In a big way.  The decision to go public was not easy, but ultimately, this was a race against the clock.  They used email, Facebook and Twitter to invite friends to a “Makin’ Whoopie” wine tasting party, at $35 a head.  Not only did 100 friends agree to attend, they also donated trips, tours, art and wine for a silent auction.  Many also offered up stories of their own struggles with fertility to encourage the Walshes in their pursuit of a healthy, successful pregnancy.

Funds raised:  $8000.  Hope renewed:  priceless.

What do you think?  Outrageous?  Inspired?  Unimaginable?  Whatever you may think about the idea, I think there’s a lot to learn from the story.  Here are some examples you could follow:

1. Face the truth – For Molly & Brian, inheritable genetic defects indicated IVF with PGD.  And that required a big budget.  Money was tight and time was short.  The facts weren’t encouraging, but facing them squarely gave them a starting point.
2. Set pride aside – The one variable they could control was their insistence on privacy.  Once they realized they needed assistance to reach their goal, the choice was clear:  forget pride, get help.  All that required was humility.
3. Come out of hiding – The party invitation read:  “You can’t help us in the bedroom, but you can help us make a baby.”  Pretense was pointless, as was secrecy.  They sent invitations to hundreds of people – some of whom they hadn’t seen or talked to in years.
4. Ask for help – Their request for help explained their situation and invited people who cared to be part of the solution.  The humility inherent in their appeal was irresistible to many of those they contacted.
5. Invite openness – After publicly telling their story, the Walshes experienced an unexpected blessing:  “Our friends shared amazing stories with us on Facebook – successes, as well as struggles and challenges.”  The Walsh’s willingness to share their story opened the door for other couples to do the same.
6. Build community –  Before this, Brian Walsh said, “we had felt like a private island in no-man’s land – surrounded by friends who have kids.”  Knowing about other couples’ struggles “made it easier.”  The Walshes formed new bonds with old friends whose success conceiving had seemed to create a wall of separation; now, they shared a common foe (infertility) and a common goal (parenthood).
7. Encourage investment – The Walsh’s friends literally invested in the outcome of their infertility journey.  But even figurative investments translate into ongoing support & concern, instead of perceived judgment or unwelcome pity.
8. Leave a legacy – The Walsh’s creative campaign not only raised funds, it also created a huge network of loving future godparents – each of whom is deeply invested in breathing life into the dream of a Walsh family.  What a legacy… for this newly-strengthened community of friends, and for the Walsh’s much-anticipated child.

I believe the example the Walshes set is relevant to every infertility journey.  Not the party, necessarily… but the logic behind it.  The Bible teaches that we are one body [I Cor 12:22-27].  We need each other.  We are intended to bear each other’s burdens, and share each other’s joys.  How can that happen if infertile couples refuse to share their secret, ask for help, build community, or invite others to become invested in their success?

Party or no party, I think the Walshes are onto something.

What do you think?

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

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