Ten Years and Worth It: One Couple’s Story

Alesha and Josh were high school sweethearts.  They married at 20 and conceived their first baby after 18 months of trying.  They lost the baby ten weeks later.  Very disappointed but not defeated, they spent the next two years trying to conceive again.  But, nothing.

They consulted the experts.  Tests revealed Alesha had a pituitary gland tumor, so she had it removed.  Then a reproductive endocrinologist discovered endometriosis, so she had a laparoscopy.  They tried Clomid, then IUI’s, but still no baby.  Five years into their journey, they did their first IVF.  Alesha got pregnant… but lost the baby.  Then, they did a frozen cycle… without success.

“Both of us are teachers, so we had a limited budget,” Alesha explained.  They’d taken a second mortgage on their house, but even so, IVF consumed all the money they had to spend.  Their extended family began holding garage sales to help them.  Alesha’s father even sold his beloved Harley.  “But we still didn’t get pregnant,” Alesha said, “and I felt like we let them all down.”

Determined to keep trying, they decided to relocate to Arkansas, a state that offers infertility insurance.  They sold their home, moved their worldly goods, and found new jobs.  Then, they got a call from INCIID.  Months earlier, Alesha had applied for a grant — but she’d never heard back and had assumed that meant, “No.”

Amazingly, they’d been chosen.  “That was when God told me, ‘August.’  I kept trying to figure out what that meant….”

They were matched with the Sher Institute in Las Vegas.  Alesha got pregnant, but she lost the baby a couple months later.  The Sher Institute found a creative way to finance another try, enrolling them in a research study that covered the costs of all medical procedures and most meds.  On August 3^rd, they transferred four embryos.  Alesha conceived triplets.  They lost one… but miraculously, the other two survived.

Emily Lynn and Abigail Grace were born exactly ten years after Josh and Alesha began trying.

Why did they have to slog through a ten-year obstacle course to become a family?  What was the purpose of all that struggling and suffering?  All that moving, and job-hunting, and fund-raising?  Alesha believes it was, at least in part, about obedience.  And learning to trust God completely.

Rick Warren’s global bestseller, The Purpose-Driven Life, opens with this four-word perspective:  “It’s not about you.”  Warren explains, “The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your peace of mind, or even your happiness.  It’s far greater than your family….  You were made for God, not vice versa, and life is about letting God use you for His purposes….”

After all the tests, surgeries, injections, inseminations, harvests, transfers  and miscarriages, Alesha and Josh think they understand part of God’s purpose.  They sense Him calling them to help other couples make the journey.  That’s why they are starting an infertility Bible study using  the book Pregnant With Hope.

“God puts people in my path constantly who are going through infertility,” said Alesha.  “One day, in church, I knew:  it’s time – you need to do this.”  She started researching infertility support and found there was nothing for infertile couples in Oklahoma (now their home).

Later this month, Josh and Alesha will host their first gathering.  They’re understandably nervous, but also excited to see how God will use them and their story to help other couples.  “Letting go  and giving God complete control made all the difference for us.  That’s what we want to help other couples understand.  If you give it to God, there is always hope.”



The Value of Spiritual Support

Why, if her own infertility journey is over, would a woman choose to work with infertile women?  Lisa Graham does it because she has a servant’s heart, and because it is a joy to watch God work in the lives of women who entrust their stories to her.

Seven years ago, after her own journey made her aware of the profound lack of spiritual support for women battling infertility, Lisa was urged to start a prayer group for infertile women.  A friend told her, “You should get women together, share your stories, and pray for one another.”  At first, Lisa felt intimidated by the idea of being the leader.  But another woman agreed to partner with her, and the two of them launched a unique ministry.

“We meet once a month,” Lisa explained.  “We go around the circle and everyone shares what’s happened to them since we last met:  test results, where they are in their cycle, the next doctor’s appointment….  Sometimes, there are losses to share.  And almost always tears.  Then, we anoint each woman with oil and pray for her.  Every month, we say, ‘Jesus is in the house!’  You can feel his presence in the room.”

Talking about infertility makes many people very uncomfortable.  Unfortunately, that includes those who are expected to embody the love and compassion of Christ during times of struggle and heartache.  According to E.W. Carter of the Regional Council of Churches, “Clergy don’t know how to talk about infertility in the 21^st century.  So, when faced with the unfulfilled longing for a child, they are often silent.”

That silence can make infertile couples – especially women – feel judged, marginalized and neglected.  Lisa Graham’s prayer group models one simple solution to this problem.

“It’s amazing to me that there aren’t more churches doing this, but we are the only group like this in Atlanta.  Every month, Christians, Jews and non-believers gather together to honor God, to share their burdens, and to support one another.  It is a simple ministry, but it’s very powerful.  We see so many miracles – women getting pregnant after their doctors have said they can’t, women conceiving naturally after IVF has failed… we know God is at work.”

Luke tells the story of the Pharisees insisting Jesus rebuke his disciples for calling out praises to God for the miracles they’ve seen.  Jesus’ response is “If they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.”

That is how “alumni” of Lisa’s prayer group — who are now mothers — feel about acknowledging God’s role in their stories.  Many of them return to the group every month to pray with and for other women.  They feel compelled to share the good news of their own experiences with those in desperate need of hope and inspiration.

“We praise God for what He does, and we claim His promises for one another,” said Lisa.  “The rest is up to Him.”

Might you — or someone you know — benefit from a group like Lisa’s?  If so, consider forwarding a link to this blogpost to your ministry team or your doctor.  Let them know there is a simple way to deliver meaningful support.  If you prefer to protect your privacy, feel free to send their contact information to me (susan@pregnantwithhope.com) and I will  send them information information on how and why to start a prayer group.

Remember:  The God who is so generous and faithful that He must be praised or “the stones will cry out” is ready and waiting to help all those who call on Him.  What are you waiting for?

=====================================================

Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Waiting for God’s Best

“Are you willing to wait for God’s best?”

That question evokes very strong responses among infertile couples.  Many get angry or tearful at the thought of ongoing uncertainty.  Most will say they’re willing to wait – but for how long?  What’s the point of waiting?  Does God have a purpose?  Is His best that much better than “good enough… and now”?  Will there ever be a baby?

Underlying the impatience is rapidly-growing worry over increasingly difficult questions.  What does it mean to be singled-out for suffering?  How long will this grief continue?  Why is everyone else able to have a baby?  Where is God in all this?  And why doesn’t anyone seem to have satisfying  answers?

One of the hardest things about infertility is feeling simultaneously set apart and afraid.  Stigma and fear of failure generate an intense desire for privacy, but the result is often deep loneliness and an unsatisfied hunger for hope.

One of the blessings of the infertility Bible study group is the freedom to express feelings and ask questions within a supportive community.  Everyone understands the struggle.

If you were to join us, here’s what you’d hear.  These are actual quotes from women in the group, used here with permission:

1. “I know God is there, but I don’t understand why it’s taking so long.”
2. “I’m mad at God that He won’t give us a healthy baby.  I can’t understand:  if He has the capability of giving us a healthy baby, why won’t He?”
3. “I’ve been thinking, “A baby is a baby; give it to me now.”  I have no patience  that’s all I can think about.”
4. “You wonder, why God?  And you think, what else can we do?  What have we done that’s so wrong?”
5. “I wonder, ‘Why?  What did I do wrong before marriage, or during marriage?’”
6. “I keep thinking, why doesn’t God think I should be one of the ones to conceive?”

The men in the group share equally strong feelings about the frustration and uncertainty of waiting for God’s best, but they’re more likely to express their feelings in terms of anger.   They say things like these [again actual quotes, used with permission]:

1. “Why isn’t God giving me kids of my own?  That’s what I ask myself.”
2. “I am angry at God.  We sincerely want to be parents.  We feel like we’re ready.  We don’t understand why God isn’t ready for us to be parents.”
3. “I feel abandoned by God.”
4. “We’re going to church and going through the motions, but I’m not getting any traction.”
5. “Sometimes, it’s like, ‘You’re not doing me right, God.  This just isn’t right.  What did we do to deserve this?’”
6. “I sure am close to being angry at God.  I don’t understand at all.  I mean, what is going on here?!”

It is not only healthy and appropriate to share feelings like this with people who understand the infertility journey, it’s essential.

As Trey said, “You can’t take it all on yourself.  But with infertility, it’s very common to keep it private and not open up.  I think it’s critical to have support.  For us, that was huge.  It’s so important to surround yourself with people who understand and can relate.”

Why?  Because you can’t change your feelings about this experience until you see the connection to your thoughts.  Thoughts determine feelings, actions, and even outcomes.  If your thoughts are consistently anxious and self-focused — When will it happen for me?  Why is everyone able to get pregnant but me?  — you will constantly be filled with worry, feeling helpless and hopeless.

If, instead, you choose to dwell on different thoughts — God has promised His best to those who trust Him, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” — you will begin to feel and act differently.  You will find peace in the midst of uncertainty.  And that can transform the journey.

It’s a moment-by-moment battle to take negative thoughts captive, and one worth fighting.  Surround yourself with people who understand… people who are fighting the same fight you are.  Encourage and inspire one another.  And in God’s perfect time, you will emerge victorious.

====================================================

*Every person quoted here is now a parent.  It can happen for you, too.  If you’re not in a group, find one or start one; the PregnantWithHope website tells you how.

====================================================

For more resources and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com.

What’s the Purpose of a Ten Year Journey?

Alesha and Josh were high school sweethearts.  They married at 20 and conceived their first baby after 18 months of trying.  They lost the baby ten weeks later.  Very disappointed but not defeated, they spent the next two years trying to conceive again.  But, nothing.

They consulted the experts.  Tests revealed Alesha had a pituitary gland tumor, so she had it removed.  Then a reproductive endocrinologist discovered endometriosis, so she had a laparoscopy.  They tried Clomid, then IUI’s, but still no baby.  Five years into their journey, they did their first IVF.  Alesha got pregnant… but lost the baby.  Then, they did a frozen cycle… without success.

“Both of us are teachers, so we had a limited budget,” Alesha explained.  They’d taken a second mortgage on their house, but even so, IVF consumed all the money they had to spend.  Their extended family began holding garage sales to help them.  Alesha’s father even sold his beloved Harley.  “But we still didn’t get pregnant,” Alesha said, “and I felt like we let them all down.”

Determined to keep trying, they decided to relocate to Arkansas, a state that offers infertility insurance.  They sold their home, moved their worldly goods, and found new jobs.  Then, they got a call from INCIID.  Months earlier, Alesha had applied for a grant — but she’d never heard back and had assumed that meant, “No.”

Amazingly, they’d been chosen.  “That was when God told me, ‘August.’  I kept trying to figure out what that meant….”

They were matched with the Sher Institute in Las Vegas.  Alesha got pregnant, but she lost the baby a couple months later.  The Sher Institute found a creative way to finance another try, enrolling them in a research study that covered the costs of all medical procedures and most meds.  On August 3^rd, they transferred four embryos.  Alesha conceived triplets.  They lost one… but miraculously, the other two survived.

Emily Lynn and Abigail Grace were born exactly ten years after Josh and Alesha began trying.

Why did they have to slog through a ten-year obstacle course to become a family?  What was the purpose of all that struggling and suffering?  All that moving, and job-hunting, and fund-raising?  Alesha believes it was, at least in part, about obedience.  And learning to trust God completely.

Rick Warren’s global bestseller, The Purpose-Driven Life, opens with this four-word perspective:  “It’s not about you.”  Warren explains, “The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your peace of mind, or even your happiness.  It’s far greater than your family….  You were made for God, not vice versa, and life is about letting God use you for His purposes….”

After all the tests, surgeries, injections, inseminations, harvests, transfers  and miscarriages, Alesha and Josh think they understand part of God’s purpose.  They sense Him calling them to help other couples make the journey.  That’s why they are starting an infertility Bible study using  the book Pregnant With Hope.

“God puts people in my path constantly who are going through infertility,” said Alesha.  “One day, in church, I knew:  it’s time – you need to do this.”  She started researching infertility support and found there was nothing for infertile couples in Oklahoma (now their home).

Later this month, Josh and Alesha will host their first gathering.  They’re understandably nervous, but also excited to see how God will use them and their story to help other couples.  “Letting go  and giving God complete control made all the difference for us.  That’s what we want to help other couples understand.  If you give it to God, there is always hope.”



Choosing to Do Something for Infertile Couples

In a recent sermon, Andy Stanley, pastor of Northpoint Church, urged his listeners to consider this New Year’s resolution:

“Do for one what you wish you could do for everyone.”

He was acknowledging the paralysis many people experience in the face of what seem to be intractable problems.  “What can anyone do to fix this?” people ask.  When the answer is too overwhelming to contemplate – or when a solution appears literally impossible – they give in to defeat, often without doing anything.

But God calls us to do something.

Eloise Drane is a living example of the power of doing for one what you wish you could do for everyone.  Several years ago, she donated a kidney to her cousin.  He died soon afterward from an uncontrolled infection.  Despite the heartbreak of that loss, she was changed by the joy of giving a part of herself so selflessly.

Less than a year later, having had four childen of her own (with no fertility issues), she realized there were virtually no resources available for infertile people of color.  So, she decided to become an egg donor.  Thanks to her willingness to do what many African-Americans weren’t even willing to consider, three babies were born to couples who otherwise might never have become parents.

Eloise felt called to do more.  So, she agreed to be a surrogate for a couple she “met” through the internet.  Her husband felt conflicted about her decision.  He asked her pointblank: “Do you need to rescue everyone?!”  She explained that God had put a burden on her heart for couples who could not conceive, and she felt compelled to do something in response.  After a long discussion, he agreed to support her decision.

It took three transfers, but she conceived and delivered twins.

Last October, she contacted me through the PregnantWithHope.com website.  We began talking about her sense that God is calling her to lead a support group for infertile couples using the book Pregnant With Hope as the basis for discussion.  This would be a different approach – helping more than one couple at a time.  Did I think struggling couples would accept a “fertile” as their leader?  Could she support them in meaningful ways if she hadn’t experienced infertility herself?

We agreed to keep talking and praying about the decision.  In the meantime, she agreed to a second surrogacy in the hope of helping another couple.  The transfer went smoothly, but there was no pregnancy.  She was devastated.

“I was so invested in this,” she told me, “and so sure it was going to work for them.”  Her grief surprised her with its intensity — giving her new insight into the rollercoaster emotions infertile couples experience.  I believe that was the blessing-in-disguise in this failed attempt.

The experience equipped her to empathize more completely, and to talk more comprehensively about the entire infertility journey – its highs and lows.  That will make her a better leader when she launches her group next month.

Andy Stanley advised, “Go deep, not wide.  Go long, not short.  Give effort, not just money.”  Eloise has done that.  More than once.  Her willingness to break racial taboos and respond to people’s suffering with compassionate action has helped bring five babies into the world.

This year, may there be others like her who respond to the growing awareness of infertility by saying, “Yes, I want to help someone.”

Spiritual Support for Infertile Women

Why, if her own infertility journey is over, would a woman choose to work with infertile women?  Lisa Graham does it because she has a servant’s heart, and because it is a joy to watch God work in the lives of women who entrust their stories to her.

Seven years ago, after her own journey made her aware of the profound lack of spiritual support for women battling infertility, Lisa was urged to start a prayer group for infertile women.  A friend told her, “You should get women together, share your stories, and pray for one another.”  At first, Lisa felt intimidated by the idea of being the leader.  But another woman agreed to partner with her, and the two of them launched a unique ministry.

“We meet once a month,” Lisa explained.  “We go around the circle and everyone shares what’s happened to them since we last met:  test results, where they are in their cycle, the next doctor’s appointment….  Sometimes, there are losses to share.  And almost always tears.  Then, we anoint each woman with oil and pray for her.  Every month, we say, ‘Jesus is in the house!’  You can feel his presence in the room.”

Talking about infertility makes many people very uncomfortable.  Unfortunately, that includes those who are expected to embody the love and compassion of Christ during times of struggle and heartache.  According to E.W. Carter of the Regional Council of Churches, “Clergy don’t know how to talk about infertility in the 21^st century.  So, when faced with the unfulfilled longing for a child, they are often silent.”

That silence can make infertile couples – especially women – feel judged, marginalized and neglected.  Lisa Graham’s prayer group models one simple solution to this problem.

“It’s amazing to me that there aren’t more churches doing this, but we are the only group like this in Atlanta.  Every month, Christians, Jews and non-believers gather together to honor God, to share their burdens, and to support one another.  It is a simple ministry, but it’s very powerful.  We see so many miracles – women getting pregnant after their doctors have said they can’t, women conceiving naturally after IVF has failed… we know God is at work.”

Luke tells the story of the Pharisees insisting Jesus rebuke his disciples for calling out praises to God for the miracles they’ve seen.  Jesus’ response is “If they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.”

That is how “alumni” of Lisa’s prayer group — who are now mothers — feel about acknowledging God’s role in their stories.  Many of them return to the group every month to pray with and for other women.  They feel compelled to share the good news of their own experiences with those in desperate need of hope and inspiration.

“We praise God for what He does, and we claim His promises for one another,” said Lisa.  “The rest is up to Him.”

Might you — or someone you know — benefit from a group like Lisa’s?  If so, consider forwarding a link to this blogpost to your ministry team or your doctor.  Let them know there is a simple way to deliver meaningful support.  If you prefer to protect your privacy, feel free to send their contact information to me (susan@pregnantwithhope.com) and I will  send them information information on how and why to start a prayer group.

Remember:  The God who is so generous and faithful that He must be praised or “the stones will cry out” is ready and waiting to help all those who call on Him.  What are you waiting for?

=====================================================

Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertile Couples’ Thoughts on Waiting for God’s Best

“Are you willing to wait for God’s best?”

That question evokes very strong responses among infertile couples.  Many get angry or tearful at the thought of ongoing uncertainty.  Most will say they’re willing to wait – but for how long?  What’s the point of waiting?  Does God have a purpose?  Is His best that much better than “good enough… and now”?  Will there ever be a baby?

Underlying the impatience is rapidly-growing worry over increasingly difficult questions.  What does it mean to be singled-out for suffering?  How long will this grief continue?  Why is everyone else able to have a baby?  Where is God in all this?  And why doesn’t anyone seem to have satisfying  answers?

One of the hardest things about infertility is feeling simultaneously set apart and afraid.  Stigma and fear of failure generate an intense desire for privacy, but the result is often deep loneliness and an unsatisfied hunger for hope.

One of the blessings of the infertility Bible study group is the freedom to express feelings and ask questions within a supportive community.  Everyone understands the struggle.

If you were to join us, here’s what you’d hear.  These are actual quotes from women in the group, used here with permission:

1. “I know God is there, but I don’t understand why it’s taking so long.”
2. “I’m mad at God that He won’t give us a healthy baby.  I can’t understand:  if He has the capability of giving us a healthy baby, why won’t He?”
3. “I’ve been thinking, “A baby is a baby; give it to me now.”  I have no patience  that’s all I can think about.”
4. “You wonder, why God?  And you think, what else can we do?  What have we done that’s so wrong?”
5. “I wonder, ‘Why?  What did I do wrong before marriage, or during marriage?’”
6. “I keep thinking, why doesn’t God think I should be one of the ones to conceive?”

The men in the group share equally strong feelings about the frustration and uncertainty of waiting for God’s best, but they’re more likely to express their feelings in terms of anger.   They say things like these [again actual quotes, used with permission]:

1. “Why isn’t God giving me kids of my own?  That’s what I ask myself.”
2. “I am angry at God.  We sincerely want to be parents.  We feel like we’re ready.  We don’t understand why God isn’t ready for us to be parents.”
3. “I feel abandoned by God.”
4. “We’re going to church and going through the motions, but I’m not getting any traction.”
5. “Sometimes, it’s like, ‘You’re not doing me right, God.  This just isn’t right.  What did we do to deserve this?’”
6. “I sure am close to being angry at God.  I don’t understand at all.  I mean, what is going on here?!”

It is not only healthy and appropriate to share feelings like this with people who understand the infertility journey, it’s essential.

As Trey said, “You can’t take it all on yourself.  But with infertility, it’s very common to keep it private and not open up.  I think it’s critical to have support.  For us, that was huge.  It’s so important to surround yourself with people who understand and can relate.”

Why?  Because you can’t change your feelings about this experience until you see the connection to your thoughts.  Thoughts determine feelings, actions, and even outcomes.  If your thoughts are consistently anxious and self-focused — When will it happen for me?  Why is everyone able to get pregnant but me?  — you will constantly be filled with worry, feeling helpless and hopeless.

If, instead, you choose to dwell on different thoughts — God has promised His best to those who trust Him, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” — you will begin to feel and act differently.  You will find peace in the midst of uncertainty.  And that can transform the journey.

It’s a moment-by-moment battle to take negative thoughts captive, and one worth fighting.  Surround yourself with people who understand… people who are fighting the same fight you are.  Encourage and inspire one another.  And in God’s perfect time, you will emerge victorious.

====================================================

*Every person quoted here is now a parent.  It can happen for you, too.  If you’re not in a group, find one or start one; the PregnantWithHope website tells you how.

====================================================

For more resources and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com.