The Ultimate Luxury

After a frantic start this morning, I decided to go to Whole Foods for a late breakfast. I tucked into the corner booth — as far as possible from the noise of checkout registers — and began to read my newspaper. I could feel myself starting to unwind. About 10 minutes later, an employee walked over and said, “Most of the people who come here are on their phones, on their laptops, having a meeting before work…. They all seem so stressed. It’s nice to see someone relax.”

As he walked away, I thought to myself, it’s the ultimate luxury.

I don’t know what you consider a “fair share” of life’s challenges, but I could certainly argue that I’ve had mine. Looking back over the arc of those many experiences, I have to say that each one has taught me to turn to God sooner and sooner. I guess I’ve been a slow learner — because I’ve had lots of chances to practice! — but it’s true: I’ve learned to release everything to Him and His plan, trusting that His ultimate purpose is to bless me and bless others through me. Whatever the details of the outcome, I’ve discovered I can trust Him in the midst of chaotic uncertainty. And so, I can actually relax. Maybe not completely… and maybe not for long… but even for a few minutes….

What.  A.  Gift.

Do people keep telling you to relax? That it’s easier to conceive if you’re not so stressed? Which just makes you more stressed?! Would it seem like an incredible gift to be in the midst of infertility and yet be able to relax? Able to trust that the One who loves you has things under control? Even if you don’t see how that could be possible?

Then consider a different approach. Call it an experiment in trust. How about, for just a day, letting God be vigilant and in control so you can rest. And maybe even, relax a little. Not too much, if that’s too hard. Just for a few minutes…, but long enough to realize that you can let go and He won’t.

My sister used to say to me, “Leap and the net will appear.” Wow, that sounded scary — definitely not relaxing. It was her way of telling me that I couldn’t be sure of God’s faithfulness without testing my reliance on it. To get from my circumstances to peace, I would have to take a leap of faith.

So today, think about taking your own leap. Whether it’s large or small matters less than that you let go long enough to realize that the Lord has got you in the palm of His hand.

“Do not let your heart be troubled, and do not be afraid.”  – John 14:27

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Want more resources, help and hope? Visit www.pregnantwithhope,info.

 

Prayers That Work

What do you do make of the verse “The prayers of the righteous are powerful and effective” when you’re seeing nothing but failure?  Does it mean you’re not in good standing with God?  That you’re unrighteous, and so your prayers are destined to be powerless?

I wrestled with this mightily when we were trying to conceive.  At the time, no one had the courage to confront the question with me, and the result was a lot of suffering and guilt.

I got an email this week from a woman requesting prayer.  She and her husband are about to start IVF – following six failed IUI’s and a miscarriage at 16 weeks.  She has prayed for a baby throughout her journey, but she sees no evidence that God is listening.  What does that mean — especially in the context of the promise, “The prayers of the righteous are powerful and effective”?

The answer is in the first infertility story in scripture, found in Genesis 15.  God promised a very elderly Abram “A son who is your own flesh and blood will be your heir.”  Despite any guarantee that this promise would be kept, the Bible says, “Abram believed the LORD, and He credited it to him as righteousness.”

Even though he knew the fertility statistic — not many wives conceive in their 80’s, Abram chose to believe God.  And God knew it.  The decision to trust God, despite what Abram knew about the present and expected in the future, delighted God – and God declared him righteous, by faith.

Not by action.

Soon afterwards, Abram decided to father a child with his wife’s maidservant.  As best we can tell, it was Sarai’s suggestion – but Abram went along with the plan because he, too, wanted a child.  Impatient to get the show on the road, they took matters into their own hands rather than waiting for God… and they gave birth to a mess of ruined relationships, resentment and hostility.

Not very righteous action.  Pretty profoundly lacking in trust.

But, that’s not the end of the story.  In the end, God’s grace led Him to forgive their impulsive decision to play God.  Once they made peace with the consequences of their actions and humbly accepted their failure to be God, He blessed them with a son – conceived by Sarah, against all odds.

What am I saying?  We’re all tempted to play God when we’re faced with infertility and the urgent need to conceive.  We may not take things into our own hands quite the way Abram and his wife did, but we understand the temptation to hurry things along when we don’t see evidence that God is at work.

Thankfully, God’s ready to forgive us, too.

If we choose to trust Him, then even if our actions sometimes betray our desire to believe, He is full of grace.  He declares us righteous by faith, not by perfect choices.  And, as the Bible promises, “The prayers of the righteous are powerful and effective.”

You’ll see.

Turns Out, You Are Not Alone

You’re not alone.

I discovered that truth in a whole new way when I went to Sitemeter yesterday.  Sitemeter tells me where blog readers come from.  Not who they are (don’t worry, your privacy’s completely protected), but where in the world they are.  And guess what?

There are infertile couples all around you.

Yesterday, readers came to this site from all over the U.S.  They also came from Canada, Australia, Germany, Singapore, India, England, and countries throughout South America.

Why does that matter?  Because infertility can be so profoundly isolating, it’s easy to believe you’ve been singled-out for suffering and no else has.  Or, that there are a small number of couples going to your particular clinic for help, but few others anywhere else.

That’s a lie.  It’s one of many that will fill your mind with doubt about God’s goodness as you struggle to maintain some equilibrium during infertility.

What can you do in response?

Raise Your Hand – Speak up.  Self-identify.  You won’t face the judgment you fear.  You may face some  ignorance, or insensitivity – but you’re also much more likely to find comfort, support, and company.  Of course, you should choose wisely when deciding whom to tell.  But trust me, it’s definitely a risk worth taking.

Find Community – Once you’ve shared your secret, find some community.  Not because misery loves company, but because “where two or more are gathered, I will be in the midst of them.”  Experiencing the presence of God is the first step toward experiencing the peace that comes with knowing and trusting Him.  Find (or create) a community of people who know what you’re facing, and you will have found a powerful source of strength.

Claim God’s Promises – The Bible is full of words of hope and inspiration.  They’re not outdated or theoretical, but powerful and real.  They can and will speak to your experience, if you ask God to bring His word alive in your story.  Set doubts aside long enough to discover God’s promises, invite Him to make them central to your journey, and watch how that changes everything.

Find Hope – Not sure where or how to find God’s promises in scripture?  Not sure whether to find a group or protect your privacy?  Whatever you decide, make it your goal to find hope for the journey.   Pregnant With Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples can help you discover hope in ways that are meaningful and relevant to you and your partner as you make your way.

There are millions of couples around the world making the same journey you are.  Some of them are crossing (virtual) paths with you when you come to this site; like you, they come seeking words of inspiration and hope.  Millions more have already made the journey; some of them – like me – want to share the good news that the journey won’t last forever, and God is good.

So, remember:  No matter how it feels, you are not alone.

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Find more words of encouragement and hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility, Starring….

“I am the star in my own drama.”

Say it out loud, and it sounds self-absorbed.  Narcissistic.  Entitled.  And it is.

Truth be told, it’s also our default setting.

It is human nature to care about others’ impressions of us.  To imagine ourselves as interesting and worth noticing, even fascinating enough to be talked about frequently.  Marketers exploit this tendency to see ourselves reflected in the eyes of others.  They use it against us — and we fall for it, all because we think everyone’s looking.

How does this affect the infertility journey?

It fuels our “need” for secrecy.  It reinforces the irrational fear of exposure.  If infertility is evidence we are failures, then we’ve got to hide it.  If infertility means we are defective, unworthy, and destined for a future no one wants, then we’ve got to change this script — and live a life of denial in the meantime.  We’ve got to invest energy in pretense, so that the truth will never be known — until we reach Happily Ever After.

So, we lie:  “We’re not really trying.”

“We’re not sure we want a family.”

“We ‘re focused on our careers right now.”

“We don’t want to give up our freedom yet.”

We think the only way to end this awful charade is to have a baby.  To make our reality match what we want everyone else to see.  Our desperate urgency, at least in part, is rooted in our deep desire to be who and what (we believe) others think we are:  happy, fortunate, successful, blessed.

Consider this… That may not be God’s priority.  Before you become a parent, He may want you to learn that it’s not all about you.  You’re not the star in life’s most important drama.  He may want you to realize that most people are so fully absorbed in their own stories, they’re not paying much attention to yours.  If they are, it’s likely to be out of People magazine curiosity, rather than a deep desire to judge or reject you.

Maybe one of the reasons you are on this infertility journey is because God wants to show you a better way to live.  He wants to give you an opportunity – and an incentive – to set aside constant thoughts of Self, and replace them with more frequents thoughts of Him.  Why would you make that choice?  Because it’s the path to peace and hope, despite any circumstances.

Look at the other women waiting anxiously at the doctor’s office.  They’re all stars in their own drama.  Everyone’s hiding behind a magazine or an IPhone.  Everyone’s stressing.  Everyone would rather be anywhere but here.  No one wants to talk – except about how worried they are.  And no one wants to listen – unless your story is worse than theirs.

But look to God, and you won’t sense anxiety.  Or fear.  Or desperation.  You won’t feel competitive.  Or threatened.  Or jealous.  You’ll find someone who’s been waiting to listen.  Who hoped you would want to talk.  And who knows how to give comfort that reaches deeper and lasts longer than anything the world can offer.

I say this from experience, and with loving compassion:  putting yourself at the center of the story is the reason for your suffering.  Set your Self aside, put God at the center of the story, trust His purposefulness, and expect this blessing to be fulfilled in your life…

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” [Romans 15:13]

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For more inspiration and  cause for hope, read Pregnant With Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples

Thankfulness Can Impact Fertility

Fertility specialist Dr. Alice Domar has spent years studying the correlation between aspiring mothers’ mindsets and the outcome of their infertility journeys.  Her clinical research has consistently found a high correlation between infertile women’s moods and their ability to conceive.  Study after study has shown that lower rates of depression and anxiety correlate to higher rates of pregnancy.

The implication is obvious:  Cheer up!

But it’s not that easy.

According to Domar and her colleagues, feelings of depression, isolation, anger and hostility — as well as stress-related symptoms (headaches, insomnia, etc.) — are common responses to infertility.  What’s the prescription for curing that?  Domar recommends infertile women “seek to restore a sense of joy, hope and well-being.”

Okay… but how?

How do you will yourself to feel something your heart can hardly comprehend?  How do you find joy in the midst of unending struggle?  Where do you find hope when you’re faced with constant heartache, despair and grief?  It’s not as easy as Domar makes it sound.

But, good news.  There is one thing that works:  the power of a thankful heart.  You cannot change your circumstances, but you can change your perspective on them.  Doing that will begin to turn the psychological tide.

Three days ago, I wrote that God’s will is for us to give thanks in all circumstances.  It’s not His will because He wants to mandate gratitude.  It is His will because thankfulness changes our focus.  It  helps us remember the promise that “all things work together for good.”  It reminds us to trust that God is a promise-keeper.  It helps us remember that what looks bad won’t always be bad; our circumstances can and will change.

Giving thanks reaffirms that nothing happens by accident.  Whether or not we understand God’s purpose, we can be confident of His purposefulness.  He is always in control, and nothing comes into our lives without His permission – and His determination to use it for good.  Abundant blessings are part of His plan “to prosper and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.”

How do you muster gratitude when all you ever get is bad news and failed outcomes?  What can you sincerely thank God for?  See if any of these expressions of gratitude fit your current circumstances:

Thank you that there’s more to my story than today’s bad news.  Thank you that every day moves me one step closer to the blessing that awaits us.  Thank you that you already know the happy ending.  Thank you for other infertile couples; they remind me that we’re not alone.  Thank you for other couple’s good news which reminds me that anything is possible.  Thank you that my trust is not in doctors or statistics, but in the only one who has control over how this story will unfold.

Thank you for those who encourage me; their love and concern comfort me.  Thank you for the resources we have to tackle this problem:  doctors, clinics, medicines, procedures and more.  Thank you for this struggle because it strengthens my commitment to being an amazing parent when I finally get the chance.  And thank you for inspiring messages that empower me — giving me actionable strategies and hope.

Did anything there stir up an inkling of gratitude?  If so, express it frequently;  if not, create your own list.  Whatever you are thankful for, voice it to God and watch your perspective begin to change.

If Domar is right, you will not only be following God’s advice.  Your new outlook will directly impact your fertility.   How’s that for worth a try?

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For more inspiration and cause for hope, click this link…

Irrational Advice? It Works

What if someone offered you (seemingly) irrational advice that could alter the course of your infertility journey?  Would you be willing to try it?  What if it didn’t change the time it took you to become a parent, or the number of heartaches you’d experience along the way – but it changed your perspective on the journey.  Would you still consider it useful advice?

Yes?  Then I want to pass on these words and challenge you to live into them for the next two weeks:

“…give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you…”                       [I Thessalonians 5:18].

I can tell you from experience, this is not a challenge for the faint-hearted.  It takes incredible effort and self-discipline.  But it’s worth it.  The results are dramatic.  Instead of feeling stressed, nervous, anxious, sleepless, worried, frantic, irritable, and much more… you will begin to experience peace despite the uncertainty of infertility.  You will find rest in the midst of your struggle.

How?  By resisting the natural impulse to respond to every bit of bad news with fear.  Fear takes our eyes off God and puts them on the things we cannot control.  Giving thanks in all circumstances redirects our attention – away from what we see in the moment, to the One who controls that moment and who has promised us hope and a future.

When your news is negative, expressing gratitude can seem like a completely irrational choice… unless there’s more to the story than the moment’s bad news.  When a long-awaited result isn’t what you hope for, it’s devastating… unless there’s more to the story than the moment’s bad news.  It’s easy to get mired in despair and the grief that accompanies loss… unless there’s more to the story than the moment’s bad news.

There is more to the story!  God is at work.  You are not battling infertility alone.  In the unseen realm, He is creating opportunities, scheduling “coincidences,” sending encouragement and implementing “the plans I have for you – plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

You might have scripted your story differently.  Most infertile couples would.  But God has chosen to let your story unfold this way in order to make “all things work together for good.”  There is a reason for everything that’s happening.  Some of that may become clear in hindsight; some may not.  But you can trust that God is in control.

Giving thanks actively asserts your faith in the goodness and purposefulness of God.  It makes you feel stronger because it replaces fear with confident hope.  It renews the prospect of joy because it anticipates blessings which are in-the-works.  It is a great coping strategy!  But, on the surface, it looks completely irrational.

That’s why I’m encouraging to take the Two-Week Challenge.  Try thanking God for what He’s doing, and lean into believing that it’s all good, and see if that doesn’t change how you experience this journey.  I predict it will.

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For more inspiration and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com

The Value of Boundaries

What if someone offered to give you a gift to help you make your way through infertility?  Would you be interested?  If they offered to share the secret to restoring a fragile relationship, protecting a vulnerable heart, reducing stress and increasing your sense of peace… would you listen?

What if their advice was practical, actionable, and immediately effective?  Tested and proven?  Intuitively obvious, but almost always overlooked?  Would you be interested?

I would have been.

But when we went through infertility, we kept it very quiet.  So, no one knew to talk to us about how to cope.  They didn’t know how stressed we were, how full of grief, how confused and anxious and lonely.  With no one to talk to and nowhere to turn, we did our best to ride it out while our story spun out of control.

It doesn’t have to be that way for you.

Here’s what we learned the hard way.  It’s helped every couple I’ve ever shared it with – and it’s guaranteed to help you, too.  Set boundaries.  Set them and enforce them.  In his book, Speaking the Truth in Love, Kenneth Haugk calls that “God-pleasing self care.”

Are you surprised?

It works.

Here’s an example.  As we moved from ovulation kits to Clomid to IUI to injections, I got increasingly emotional.  Tears were a frequent occurrence.  Like many husbands, mine responded by moving to the other end of the emotional spectrum.  He got angry.  The more I cried, the angrier he got.  The angrier he got, the more I cried.

At the time, it felt like our emotions were directed at each other.  In truth, we were expressing what we both felt about the situation.  But it seemed like there was never a way to rest from the angst and drama, to take a timeout and focus on something else – until we set some boundaries.

We agreed that, once a week, we would set aside an hour to talk only about infertility.  We would give each other our undivided attention and express any thought or feeling with as much intensity as we wanted or need to.  Then, for the rest of the week, we would not talk about it at all.

Does that sound crazy?  Impossible?

It was fabulous.

Here’s why.  There’s only so much you can say about battling infertility.  Only so many times you can cover the same ground before you start making it worse for both of you.  Boundaries helped us by insuring we would focus completely on the problem and rest completely from it.

Here’s another example.  We learned to keep insensitive family members at arms length.  After a heartbreaking phone call (when they celebrated realizing theirs would be the first grandchild because I’d just miscarried), we recognized their habit of enjoying success at our expense.  So, we set some boundaries.

We quit answering their questions about the next pregnancy.  We responded to thoughtless remarks with silence.  We side-stepped optional engagements, and protected each other’s fragile hearts during mandatory ones.  We were never ugly, but we were firmly self-protective.

Were they offended?  Maybe.  Was that our primary concern?  No.  We needed more peace, less vulnerability, and a greater sense of control in a situation that was largely out of our control.  Haugk calls that “God-pleasing self care,” and it helped tremendously.

Try it.  It can help you, too.

The Prayers of the Righteous…

What do you do make of the verse “The prayers of the righteous are powerful and effective” when you’re seeing nothing but failure?  Does it mean you’re not in good standing with God?  That you’re unrighteous, and so your prayers are destined to be powerless?

I wrestled with this mightily when we were trying to conceive.  At the time, no one had the courage to confront the question with me, and the result was a lot of suffering and guilt.

I got an email this week from a woman requesting prayer.  She and her husband are about to start IVF – following six failed IUI’s and a miscarriage at 16 weeks.  She has prayed for a baby throughout her journey, but she sees no evidence that God is listening.  What does that mean — especially in the context of the promise, “The prayers of the righteous are powerful and effective”?

The answer is in the first infertility story in scripture, found in Genesis 15.  God promised a very elderly Abram “A son who is your own flesh and blood will be your heir.”  Despite any guarantee that this promise would be kept, the Bible says, “Abram believed the LORD, and He credited it to him as righteousness.”

Even though he knew the fertility statistic — not many wives conceive in their 80’s, Abram chose to believe God.  And God knew it.  The decision to trust God, despite what Abram knew about the present and expected in the future, delighted God – and God declared him righteous, by faith.

Not by action.

Soon afterwards, Abram decided to father a child with his wife’s maidservant.  As best we can tell, it was Sarai’s suggestion – but Abram went along with the plan because he, too, wanted a child.  Impatient to get the show on the road, they took matters into their own hands rather than waiting for God… and they gave birth to a mess of ruined relationships, resentment and hostility.

Not very righteous action.  Pretty profoundly lacking in trust.

But, that’s not the end of the story.  In the end, God’s grace led Him to forgive their impulsive decision to play God.  Once they made peace with the consequences of their actions and humbly accepted their failure to be God, He blessed them with a son – conceived by Sarah, against all odds.

What am I saying?  We’re all tempted to play God when we’re faced with infertility and the urgent need to conceive.  We may not take things into our own hands quite the way Abram and his wife did, but we understand the temptation to hurry things along when we don’t see evidence that God is at work.

Thankfully, God’s ready to forgive us, too.

If we choose to trust Him, then even if our actions sometimes betray our desire to believe, He is full of grace.  He declares us righteous by faith, not by perfect choices.  And, as the Bible promises, “The prayers of the righteous are powerful and effective.”

You’ll see.

Infertility Challenges & Victory

On a walk this afternoon, I passed a tiny church that posts inspirational messages on a signboard outside its front door.  Today, the sign read:  “Expect challenges; Expect victories.”  I started thinking about several couples I know who lost pregnancies just before Christmas.  It’s easy to see the challenges for them – to find peace, to trust God, to let go of their dreams for those babies.

“Where is the victory?” I asked God.

I came home to find Nick’s most recent blog post in my email inbox (Nick’s wife Anna miscarried in early December).  He’d written:  “There are a lot of things I don’t understand, but mostly I don’t understand why I need to understand when faith is so much more liberating.”

That got me thinking….

When we first enter into a relationship with God, our faith is untested.  It’s simply a “yes” to God’s invitation to receive His love and grace.  Our baseline level of trust in Him determines the initial strength of the relationship.

When life unfolds according to a script we never would have chosen, our faith is tested.  We struggle to understand why the God we thought we knew and believed we trusted is allowing this to happen.  “Why, God?  Why are you ignoring my pleas?  Rejecting my prayers?  Taking my story in a direction that makes no sense and brings me only grief?”

The deep desire to understand “why?!” launches us on a search for answers:  Who is this God we thought we knew and understood?  What is His purpose?  Do we want a relationship with Him?  And what is it He wants from us?  We are compelled to grapple with these questions because they consume our thoughts.

Every time an infertile couple loses a pregnancy, these questions clamor for attention.  Each person’s response — refusing to consider questions, answering for God rather than asking Him, or taking the questions to God and listening for His answers — determines whether this will be a season of spiritual growth, or just a season of suffering.

This is how challenges can lead to victory.

The loss of a pregnancy (and the dreams associated with it) creates a gaping chasm between Then and Now.  The faith we had Then may have been sufficient for our needs in the past, but Now we need something more.  We need a deeper, more intimate, more confident relationship with a God whom we can trust at all times, with all things.  We need to enter into an infinitely more meaningful relationship with the God who never fails us.

He welcomes our questions, our uncertainty, our deep doubts and fears.  When we bring them to Him honestly, He reveals more of His goodness and faithfulness to us.  He never withholds compassion.  Our hearts, so deeply wounded and desperate to receive His sustaining love, will always find it.

Deeper, stronger, tested-and-proven faith is liberating.  It is the great blessing of this journey that equips us for all that is still to come.  Our questions and our need to understand are a means of strengthening our faith.   If there is to be victory in the challenge of loss, this is it.

Infertile? You Are Not Alone

You’re not alone.

I discovered that truth in a whole new way when I went to Sitemeter yesterday.  Sitemeter tells me where blog readers come from.  Not who they are (don’t worry, your privacy’s protected), but where in the world they are. And guess what?

There are infertile couples all around you.

Yesterday, readers came to this site from all over the U.S.  They also came from Canada, Australia, Germany, Singapore, India, England, and countries throughout South America.

Why does that matter?  Because infertility can be so profoundly isolating, it’s easy to believe you’ve been singled-out for suffering and no else has.  Or, that there are a small number of couples going to your particular clinic for help, but few others anywhere else.

That’s a lie.  It’s one of many that will fill your mind with doubt about God’s goodness as you struggle to maintain some equilibrium during infertility.

What can you do in response?

Raise Your Hand – Speak up.  Self-identify.  You won’t face the judgment you fear.  You may face some  ignorance, or insensitivity – but you’re also much more likely to find comfort, support, and company.  Of course, you should choose wisely when deciding whom to tell.  But trust me, it’s definitely a risk worth taking.

Find Community – Once you’ve shared your secret, find some community.  Not because misery loves company, but because “where two or more are gathered, I will be in the midst of them.”  Experiencing the presence of God is the first step toward experiencing the peace that comes with knowing and trusting Him.  Find (or create) a community of people who know what you’re facing, and you will have found a powerful source of strength.

Claim God’s Promises – The Bible is full of words of hope and inspiration.  They’re not outdated or theoretical, but powerful and real.  They can and will speak to your experience, if you ask God to bring His word alive in your story.  Set doubts aside long enough to discover God’s promises, invite Him to make them central to your journey, and watch how that changes everything.

Find Hope – Not sure where or how to find God’s promises in scripture?  Not sure whether to find a group or protect your privacy?  Whatever you decide, make it your goal to find hope for the journey.   Pregnant With Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples can help you discover hope in ways that are meaningful and relevant to you and your partner as you make your way.

There are millions of couples around the world making the same journey you are.  Some of them are crossing (virtual) paths with you when you come to this site; like you, they come seeking words of inspiration and hope.  Millions more have already made the journey; some of them – like me – want to share the good news that the journey won’t last forever, and God is good.

So, remember:  No matter how it feels, you are not alone.

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Find more words of encouragement and hope in Pregnant With Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples and at PregnantWithHope.com