Do Not Be Afraid

It is a source of great joy for me to work in my yard — planting, trimming, nurturing living things. The challenge is to create something beautiful that thrives without constant maintenance, something that lifts my spirits whenever I look out the window and calls me back outdoors. Because we’ve had so much rain over the past few months, all my plants have exploded with new growth. So, I decided to spend a few hours outside shaping the bushes and pulling weeds.

In the midst of my peaceful productivity, a neighbor suddenly yanked open her blinds and screamed at me, “Get away from that bush! What are you doing cutting it now?! Don’t you know….!?!?!”

I was so shocked by the sight of her — tightly wrapped in her white robe, arms flailing, face beet red — that I didn’t process any more of what she yelled at me. All I experienced was her RAGE!! I dropped the shears and looked down at my hands; they were shaking.

What in the world…?

I walked to her door and knocked. No answer. I knocked again and waited. Still, no answer. One more time, I knocked…. and nothing.

I knew she was in there, but she was not going to engage with me. I walked back home feeling bewildered. I’d been judged — condemned, and blasted! — and I would be given no chance to appeal.

Only this morning did I make the connection between that bizarre experience and the way many young couples have described infertility and the God they don’t understand.

For much of their lives, God has seemed largely silent and invisible — like my neighbor. They trust that He exists, but they have no real relationship with Him, nor do they sense that He wants one. In their minds, He has lived behind closed blinds and a locked door for so long, they don’t expect Him to make a sudden appearance.

They would welcome His assistance with their efforts to grow something wonderful — but they don’t believe He will offer to help because, like my neighbor, He never has.

Their latent fear is that, if He suddenly does materialize, it will be to vent anger. Just as she did, He will yank open the blinds, blast them with His fury, and then refuse to engage or explain. Better, they decide, not to engage Him at all.

Does that sound familiar to you? Do you find yourself avoiding a God you believe may be angry, rather than risking engagement? Have you tried to talk with Him, only to find Him unresponsive? Has He come to seem more like a cause for alarm than a source of hope? Like a condemning judge, rather than an ever-present help in times of trouble?

Then you need to claim this promise:

“… neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  – Romans 8:38-39

Whatever you may have done or not done, it cannot come between you and the One who loves you. Your circumstances may make you feel that His love has been withdrawn and you have been forsaken, but you do not need to be afraid. Scripture says:

“There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ” – Romans 8:1

Begin to see your circumstances as an invitation to knock on the door, initiate a conversation, accept God’s limitless grace, and experience the truth that He makes all things possible. You will NOT have the experience I had with my neighbor. Instead, you will discover the source of all love and hope. Trust me.

Ball up your courage.

Knock on the door.

“Do not be afraid” [Matthew 28:10]

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Want more encouragement and cause for hope? Read Pregnant With Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples

 

Infertility and the Purpose of Pressure

“We were a mess.  Why was God doing this to us?!  I got angrier and angrier. I was definitely in the mode of trying to figure out ways to fix things.  It was so hard for me that I couldn’t fix this — I wanted to!”

These are the words of a twenty-something husband who shared his infertility experience with me as part of the book, Pregnant with Hope. Trey’s honest assessment of his frustration and uncertainty was mirrored in the comments of the other nine men I interviewed – and many others I’ve met in years of working with infertile couples.

Like their wives, these men frequently feel helpless and hopeless.  The anger that results has a profound effect on their relationships – with their spouses, and with the God they thought they knew.  It also undermines their sense of themselves as Doers, Fixers, and Providers.

Our society expects men to be confident, capable, and even stoic in the face of difficulty.  To see a need, and do something.  To identify a problem, and fix it.  Whether genetically or culturally, they’ve internalized the imperative:  Find a solution!  That expectation creates tremendous pressure when a couple is going through infertility.  As James described it:

“The pressure built as we started to find out about possible complications and options.  The more it built, the more I felt like, “What’s happening?!” I sure came close to being angry at God.  I didn’t understand at all.  And you come to that point where you think it can’t get any worse.  I mean, what is going on here?!  When I felt too pressured, I pulled away.  That’s when a lot of stress built up in our marriage.”

Would you believe it if I told you this point in the infertility journey is very common?  And that it’s a well-disguised blessing?

Well-disguised, maybe… but a blessing?  How?

Infertility forces couples to confront the head-on collision between their dream of parenting and their current reality.  In the process, it forces them to make a choice.  They can allow their feelings to drive a wedge into their relationships (with each other, and with God), or they can find a constructive way to deal with those feelings and strengthen those relationships.

The couples who ignore their feelings, and put realizing the dream ahead of strengthening their relationships, pay a high price.  The unrelenting pressure of infertility causes fault lines to crack wide open, increasing the sense of frustration and separation.  Not only are the relationships weakened, but couples get caught in a vicious cycle in which everything seems to be coming apart.

By contrast, those who deal with their emotions and put relationships first uncover many blessings.  They revisit their expectations and realize some were faulty, unhealthy or simply incorrect.  As they make adjustments, they discover passageways to renewed peace, greater trust, and grace-filled compassion.

They come to see that the pressures of infertility can actually serve to “…refine them like silver and test them like gold” [Zech 13:9].  In the process, these pressures can seal a deeper commitment to the future that is coming, and the relationships that will sustain its promise.  Couples begin to see that God can use infertility to forge firmer bonds – between future parents, and between God and His people.  As a result, they can actually find cause for gratitude.

My advice:  Don’t become so obsessed with the outcome of this journey that you lose sight of this well-disguised blessing.  Work through your feelings, nurture your relationships, and trust God’s purposefulness.  It beats the alternative.  Just ask the dads, Trey and James.

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

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