Infertility Challenges & Victory

On a walk this afternoon, I passed a tiny church that posts inspirational messages on a signboard outside its front door.  Today, the sign read:  “Expect challenges; Expect victories.”  I started thinking about several couples I know who lost pregnancies just before Christmas.  It’s easy to see the challenges for them – to find peace, to trust God, to let go of their dreams for those babies.

“Where is the victory?” I asked God.

I came home to find Nick’s most recent blog post in my email inbox (Nick’s wife Anna miscarried in early December).  He’d written:  “There are a lot of things I don’t understand, but mostly I don’t understand why I need to understand when faith is so much more liberating.”

That got me thinking….

When we first enter into a relationship with God, our faith is untested.  It’s simply a “yes” to God’s invitation to receive His love and grace.  Our baseline level of trust in Him determines the initial strength of the relationship.

When life unfolds according to a script we never would have chosen, our faith is tested.  We struggle to understand why the God we thought we knew and believed we trusted is allowing this to happen.  “Why, God?  Why are you ignoring my pleas?  Rejecting my prayers?  Taking my story in a direction that makes no sense and brings me only grief?”

The deep desire to understand “why?!” launches us on a search for answers:  Who is this God we thought we knew and understood?  What is His purpose?  Do we want a relationship with Him?  And what is it He wants from us?  We are compelled to grapple with these questions because they consume our thoughts.

Every time an infertile couple loses a pregnancy, these questions clamor for attention.  Each person’s response — refusing to consider questions, answering for God rather than asking Him, or taking the questions to God and listening for His answers — determines whether this will be a season of spiritual growth, or just a season of suffering.

This is how challenges can lead to victory.

The loss of a pregnancy (and the dreams associated with it) creates a gaping chasm between Then and Now.  The faith we had Then may have been sufficient for our needs in the past, but Now we need something more.  We need a deeper, more intimate, more confident relationship with a God whom we can trust at all times, with all things.  We need to enter into an infinitely more meaningful relationship with the God who never fails us.

He welcomes our questions, our uncertainty, our deep doubts and fears.  When we bring them to Him honestly, He reveals more of His goodness and faithfulness to us.  He never withholds compassion.  Our hearts, so deeply wounded and desperate to receive His sustaining love, will always find it.

Deeper, stronger, tested-and-proven faith is liberating.  It is the great blessing of this journey that equips us for all that is still to come.  Our questions and our need to understand are a means of strengthening our faith.   If there is to be victory in the challenge of loss, this is it.

Infertility and the Reasons to “Wait for It”

The most consistently challenging aspect of infertility is not physical.  It’s psychological.  It’s the day-to-day, moment-to-moment struggle to maintain equilibrium in the face of unanswered questions.  Why us?  Why me?  Why not?  Why them?  When, God?  Ever?!  How?  Fear fuels these questions while anxiety generates adrenaline and jealousy stirs up poisonous resentment.  The toxic result churns through our minds, hearts and spirits – again and again and again.

How can we find peace with so many questions?

Centuries ago, a prophet asked, “How long, O Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen?”  God responded, “…I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.”  The prophet begged:  tell me you will send help and hope.  God assured him, “Though it tarries, wait for it.  Because it will surely come” [Habakkuk 1:2, 1:5, 2:3].

How can that exchange help couples find peace in the midst of infertility?  Three ways:

It gives us a strategy.  Knowing that if we call for help, “I [God] am going to do something…,” helps us see our best option: claim that promise.  We already know we can’t control our circumstances, and we struggle to control our thoughts and emotions.  But, we can claim the promise that help is coming, and that gives cause for hope.  Why?  The Bible makes clear, God watches over His word in order to perform it.  When we claim it, we call on His faithfulness to be true to His promise.

It gives us a focal point.  God makes clear that there is an appointed time (known only to Him) when questions will be answered.  Cries for help will cease because tangible, visible, long-awaited help will come.  It is hard to wait patiently because we don’t know when that moment will be.  But God promises, “…it will surely come.”  So, we can choose to trust Him, looking toward that moment in time with hope and confidence.

It gives us God’s instruction. God says, “… wait for it.”  Those three words tell us how to make the transition from fearful to faithful:

1. Be patient – “Wait for it” means believe there is a purpose, and trust God’s perfect timing.  When we are uncertain, our tendency is often to assume the worst.  But if God intends to do something so wonderful “you would not believe it, even if you were told,” then there is a good reason for waiting.  The right egg?  The best sperm?  A new procedure?  A different birth mother?  Be patient; wait for it. 

2. Be still – “Wait for it” means be still enough to sense God’s presence, to sense help coming, and to rest in the knowledge “I am going to do something.”  When we are anxious, our tendency is to go faster – as if speed and urgency could bring us to closure sooner.  They can’t.  In fact, the more frantically we race around, the harder it is for us to be still.  But without stillness, there can be no peace.  Be still; wait for it.

3. Be expectant – “Wait for it” means anticipate God’s goodness, and expect Him to bring you His very best.  When we have to wait, our tendency is to worry that time will run out and we won’t receive the  blessing we desperately want.  God says, “Though it tarries…,” trust me, it’s coming.  My timing is perfect and my desire is to bless you.  Anticipate my goodness.  Be expectant; wait for it.

The path to peace has been laid out for us, and God is faithful.  If you are feeling anxious, “wait for it… [and] it will surely come.”

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

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