Infertility & the Illusion of Control

I just heard from a woman who adopted years ago, and is now watching close friends struggle with infertility.  She wrote:

“They are desperately trying to have a child…even eating tons of rabbit meat…someone told them rabbits are prolific so maybe eating them would help…not joking.”

Okay, what the heck?  Except… we tried all sorts of crazy things, too.  Someone told me I should eat lots of pickles, since that’s what pregnant women crave.  So, for weeks, I choked them down.  Never having been a fan before forced consumption, I learned to hate them in a whole new way when my next cycle started right on time.

It’s laughable now.  But it wasn’t then.  We were dead serious about getting what we wanted, and if pickles were the path to parenthood, so be it.

When we can’t have what we desperately want, our common impulse is  to seize control. That’s human nature.  The behavior can seem ridiculous – eating tons of rabbit meat, choking down jars of pickles.  Or, it can appear rational – buying ovulation predictors by the case, scheduling major life events around doctor’s appointments.  But bottom line, it’s all about the fight for control.

Part of the purpose of this infertility journey is to help us realize we are not in control.  We can’t be, no matter how desperately we want to be.  That unwelcome realization brings every couple to a fork in the road where a choice must be made:  resist the truth, or embrace it.

Resist it, and you doom yourself to a lot of heartache.  Control is an illusion.  A mirage.  An unattainable goal.  If you commit yourself to gaining control of this situation no matter what it costs, you will pay a very high price.  And you still may not have a child.

But, embrace the truth and you make room for God in your story.  You stop investing energy in pretending you know the answers, and recognize the wisdom, power and authority of the only One who truly does.  Instead of worshiping the illusion of control, you worship the One who has it – and you humbly acknowledge your need for His help.

It’s the only choice that makes sense.  And, it’s the path that leads where you want to go.

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Faith’s Effect on Infertility

In a recent study of 200 women, a high correlation was found between those who said they were religious and those with low rates of anxiety/depression during fertility treatment.  Lower rates of depression and anxiety correlate to higher pregnancy rates.  So, it stands to reason that spiritual women should have more pregnancies.

–Newsweek, 3/24/08

In the beginning, when couples walk through the door to the infertility Bible study, the men look apprehensive, and the women, fragile to the point of tears.  But that changes.  Over the course of the study, they come to realize the wisdom of letting go of (the illusion of) control.  They learn the value of being still and listening for God.  And with that understanding comes peace in the midst of uncertainty.

I can literally see the change occur.  Body language goes from self-protective – arms crossed, gazes averted, huddled close to their spouse – to open, relaxed, and receptive.  The real change is occurring in the spirit, but it is reflected in the unspoken language of the body.  That change indicates God’s growing presence, which creates new possibilities.

So, is the study right in its prediction that these increasingly spiritual women have more pregnancies?  I’d have to say, yes.  And no.  Yes, because experience has shown me—again and again and again—that those who see infertility as an invitation to draw nearer to God, and who respond to that invitation, are likely to become parents.  But no, because sometimes the result is not a pregnancy; sometimes, it is an adoption.

Here’s the important thing:  that is no less a miracle.

I don’t say that as a Pollyanna.  I’m not advocating, “be happy about failure,” or “suck it up and compromise.”  I’m saying, make a paradigm shift.  Recognize that, sometimes, God calls couples to steward a soul who comes into their life in a different way than they might have expected.  That’s not defeat; that’s a different plan for victory.  And it is no less a gift.

Are those couples disappointed?  Truthfully?

“Alumni” couples often return to the Bible study to talk to current participants about their experiences.  One entire class is devoted to hearing from adoptive parents.  They speak with conviction about their certainty that their particular child belongs with them:  “God chose him for us,” “We knew as soon as we held her that she was meant to be our daughter.”  In some cases, they also share stories of the effect the adoption had on the birth parent(s).

With loving grace, I suggest to you:  let go of your vision of how this story will unfold, and when.  Give God as much room as possible to work in your story.  He wants to give you His very best.  He wants to create a pinwheel of blessing, and it may touch souls you don’t even know.

Will you make way for that possibility?

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility’s Greatest Hits

I just bought an IPod Shuffle.  I can load any songs I choose, and it will play them randomly — over, and over, and over — until an ISomething that’s newer and better comes along.  I can’t control which song plays, but it’s always something I’ve made part of my personal collection.

It got me thinking about infertility and how we play the same words over and over in our minds.  We choose the playlist, but assume we have no control over what we’re hearing.

When test results come back and they’re nothing like what we wanted, it’s as if someone pushes Play and one of our sad songs starts up:  “I’ll Never Have What I Want, Gotta Learn to Love What I Have,” or “It’s That Same Old Song, and It’s Playing Again for Me,” or “She’s Got A Baby, Ain’t Nothin’ Fair About It.”  It’s deeply discouraging.  And, it’s easy to tell ourselves we have no choice but to listen.

That’s a lie.

You know who told us that lie?  It wasn’t the voice of Truth.  All through scripture, God tells us not to be afraid, not to worry, not to doubt.  Over and over, He tells us, “Trust me.  I have a plan and a purpose.”  Jesus reaffirms these promises throughout the New Testament.  So, why isn’t that the voice we hear?  Because we’re busy listening to something else.

“Fear is the false expectation appearing real.”

I saw those words on the sign outside a tiny church not far from my home.  I got thinking… “The false expectation” is the thought that our infertility journey will have a negative outcome.  That when we reach the end of this, it will have been for nothing and there will be no baby for us.  When that thought appears real — when it’s another failed cycle and another round of heartache — we feel fear.  What if it never happens?

When we give in to that fear, we open the door to a cascade of negative thoughts that flood our minds with despair and doubt — leaving little room for God’s truth.  It’s a terrible choice.  It’s one most of us make unconsciously, as if we can’t control the thoughts we think, or the words our minds speak to our hearts.

But we can.

Here’s what we need to do: take these negative thoughts captive, and replace them with hope.  How?  By rejecting the false expectation that our stories will end tragically, and instead, building our hope on a foundation of faith.

How do we do that?  By claiming the promises of scripture as our own.  After all, they are God’s promises to us.  As Joel Osteen’s congregation says every week, “This is my Bible.  I am what it says I am.  I have what it says I have.  I can do what it says I can do.”  By loading these promises onto our mental Shuffle and pushing Play whenever we need to hear the words of our faithful, promise-keeping God, we affirm their truth and power in our lives.

What are the promises of scripture that speak most meaningfully to infertile couples?  Here are my nominees for “Greatest Hits” and I recommend you add every one of them to your mental playlist:

1.  “I have not given you a spirit of fear” [II Timothy 1:7]

2.  “Cast all your cares on me, because I care for you” [I Peter 5:7]

3.  “Count on me to give you wisdom through Christ” [I Corinthians 1:30]

4.  “What is impossible with men is possible with God” [Luke 18:27]

5.  “I will direct your steps” [Proverbs 3:5,6]

6.  “I will give you rest” [Matthew 11:28]

7.  “I will never abandon you” [Hebrews 13:5]

8.  “I will meet all your needs” [Philippians 4:19]

9.  “All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose” [Romans 8:28]

10.  “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours” [Mark 11:24]

When the moment looks hopeless and you’re tempted to call up a collection of self-absorbed, self-pitying songs, choose these verses instead.  Keep them in your mind and heart.  Put them on your fridge, your dashboard, your bedside table and your screen saver.  Write them in your Daytimer, your journal, your emails and your blog.  Ask God to breathe power into them, to infuse you with hope when you speak them aloud, and to fill you with peace when you remember them silently.

Fill your thoughts with the words of the only One who can do anything.  It will change everything.

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Got a favorite verse?  Share it with other infertile couples by leaving a comment.

Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility & the Power of Prayer

Why, if her own infertility journey is over, would a woman choose to work with infertile women?  Not for the money.  She does it for free, despite her own family’s financial needs.  Not for the recognition.  Few people outside the insular world of infertility even know what she does.

Lisa Graham works with infertile women because she has a servant’s heart, and because it is a joy to watch God work in the lives of women who entrust their stories to her.

Seven years ago, after her own journey made her aware of the profound lack of spiritual support for women battling infertility, Lisa was urged to start a prayer group for infertile women.  A friend told her, “You should get women together, share your stories, and pray for one another.”  At first, Lisa felt intimidated by the idea of being the leader.  But another woman, “who knew scripture much better than I did” agreed to partner with her, and the two women launched a unique ministry.

“We meet once a month,” Lisa explained.  “We go around the circle and everyone shares what’s happened to them since we last met:  test results, where they are in their cycle, the next doctor’s appointment….  Sometimes, there are losses to share.  And almost always tears.  Then, we anoint each woman with oil and pray for her.  Every month, we say, ‘Jesus is in the house!’  You can feel his presence in the room.”

Talking about infertility makes many people very uncomfortable.  Unfortunately, that includes those who are expected to minister to us during times of struggle and heartache.  E.W. Carter of the Regional Council of Churches said, “Clergy don’t know how to talk about infertility in the 21^st century, so, when faced with the unfulfilled longing for a child, they are often silent.”  That silence can make infertile couples – especially women – feel judged, neglected, and marginalized.  Lisa Graham’s prayer group models one simple solution to this problem.

“It’s amazing to me that there aren’t more churches doing this, but we are the only group like this in Atlanta.  Every month, Christians, Jews and non-believers gather together to honor God, to share their burdens, and to support one another.  It is a simple ministry, but it’s very powerful.  We see so many miracles – women getting pregnant after their doctors have said they can’t, women conceiving naturally after IVF has failed… we know God is at work.”

Luke tells the story of the Pharisees insisting Jesus rebuke his disciples for calling out praises to God for the miracles they’ve seen.  Jesus’ response is “If they keep quiet, the stones will cry out” [Luke 19:40].

That is how “alumni” of Lisa’s prayer group — who are now mothers — feel about acknowledging God’s role in their stories.  Many of them return to the group every month to pray with and for other women.  They feel compelled to share the good news of their own experiences with those in desperate need of hope and inspiration.  “We praise God for what He does, and we claim His promises for one another,” said Lisa.  “The rest is up to Him.”

As National Infertility Awareness Week approaches (Apr 24-May1), consider whether you — or someone you know — might benefit from a group like Lisa’s.  If so, forward a link to this blogpost to your ministry team or your doctor and let them know there is a simple way to deliver meaningful support.  If you prefer to protect your privacy, feel free to send their contact information to me (susan@pregnantwithhope.com) and I will  forward information on how and why to start a prayer group.

Remember:  The God who is so generous and faithful that He must be praised or “the stones will cry out” is ready and waiting to help all those who call on Him.  What are you waiting for?

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility & Finding What We Need

Too often, the resources available to infertile couples segment the infertility experience into categories:  practical/medical, philosophical/spiritual, and personal/individual.  Despite the fact that all these component pieces are parts of the experience, no one seems able to present a comprehensive picture:  here’s what it will be like, and here’s how you get through it.  Not the “experts,” not the church, not family or friends.

As a result, we’re forced to compartmentalize our search for understanding, gathering whatever information we can from whatever source seems appropriate.  Most of us respond by talking to every authority, researching every possibility, investigating every option, exploring every theory, considering every alternative, looking for every possible answer… all while trying to meet the needs of our bodies, minds and spirits, and trying to be good partners to our spouses, and trying to keep from losing our minds.

It’s exhausting, stressful work.  But the alternative, we fear, is to miss a critical piece of information that could have been THE answer.  The one piece of the puzzle that could have made the whole picture clear to us, gotten us through this, and moved us closer to our dream of becoming parents.  So, we gather every scrap of information that could possibly be relevant, evaluate and synthesize it all, and try to figure out how it applies to our particular story.

It’s the only way to get through this… isn’t it?

Thankfully, no.  It’s actually possible to identify an area of overlap where  all these categories intersect, and where the most meaningful questions are answered.  It is where our infertility struggles encounter God’s promises in a powerful, life-changing way.

How – and where – do we find that area of overlap?  Not by looking where we’ve been looking.  As Albert Einstein said, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”  If we want to change our experience, we will need to change what we’ve been doing.  We will need to stop chasing information as if that, alone, could transform our experience.  It can’t, nor can it guarantee control.  And that’s what we’ve really been chasing.

Without realizing it, we’ve been pursuing a mirage – a vision of ourselves as sufficiently informed to have control over this situation.  No matter how hard or fast we chase after this image of ourselves, we will never catch it.  It is an illusion.  Our inability to do the impossible is the source of our frustration and hopelessness.

Instead, we need to follow the advice, “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him” [Psalm 62:5]. 

How do we follow that advice?  What does that mean we do?  The answer is found where God’s promises  speak to our struggles.  When we find those places, and claim His promises, we  can  find rest and hope that are not dependent on our circumstances.

We find rest in God when we stop chasing control, come to a stand-still, and shift attention from the obsessive quest for answers to His trustworthy omniscience.  He, alone, knows how to make all things possible.  He, alone, knows how to produce a miracle that defies all odds and confounds all experts.  He, alone, knows how this story will end and why this journey will have been a blessing-in-disguise.

How does that relate to finding hope?  It transcends what we can know or understand.  It makes room for what we cannot explain or control.  It invites the miraculous into our story – and that possibility is great cause for hope.  It is bigger, better, and more powerful than any information we can find or any moment we might want to control.

What we need is not more information, but a hope that will not disappoint us. That is the very thing God promises to give us [Romans 5:5].  Claim His promise, lean into it, and find what you really need.

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Luck and Infertility

Today’s playful devotion to all things Irish raises the topic of luck.  Who’s lucky – and why?  We jokingly say it’s the Irish, thanks to four-leaf clovers and leprechauns.  But in all seriousness… why are certain people so lucky, and others not?  Does luck play a role in ending infertility?  If so, how?  Does it affect finding the right doctor?  Choosing the right treatment?  Sustaining a pregnancy?  Having a baby?

When confronted with the challenge of persistent infertility, couples often develop a new fascination with luck.  They can’t help noticing other couples’ luck conceiving effortlessly.  They ask, “what worked for you?” – as if the good luck might rub off on them.  They frequently express a desire to change their own luck, and to make it work for them (rather than against them).  They’ll come into the infertility group saying things like, “we don’t want to jinx ourselves…,” or “we’re crossing our fingers…,” or “if we get lucky this time….”

I know they just mean to hedge their bets; it’s a form of psychological self-protection.  But it’s also more than that.  Their behavior reveals an unconscious response to deep fear, rooted in the loss of control.

Fear is a predictable response to not knowing who, or what, is determining the course of events.  When those events are negative, and ongoing, their uncontrollability is frightening and destabilizing.  Is this just bad luck?  Or something worse?  Is God in this?  Playing what role?  Is He for us, against us, or a dispassionate observer?  There is an aspect of randomness to this experience.  Does anyone know what’s happening?  Can anyone do anything about it?

Couples don’t realize that – in the absence of answers to these questions – they’re tempted to default to superstitious, let’s-cover-our-bases thinking:  “If we do everything right and nothing wrong, and we cross our fingers and don’t tell a soul, maybe it will work… if we’re lucky [knock on wood].”

For millenia, God has watched people respond to uncertainty with superstition, worshiping whatever they believe will enable them to control their destiny.  When He sees us turning to luck and superstition as if they have power, He knows we don’t actually trust Him.  Not His love or His motives.

Maybe we don’t believe He hears us and cares – at least, not about this.  Maybe we don’t feel safe in our relationship with Him, and so we don’t confront Him for fear that bad will get worse.  Maybe we feel lost to Him, or forgotten.  Maybe we feel punished and angry.  Maybe we are afraid.  Maybe all these things.  Maybe more.  Whatever the reason, we have chosen to struggle on in fear and uncertainty, rather than claim His promises and trust His faithfulness.

Is there any real alternative?  Yes – and Job, the Bible’s poster boy for suffering, shows us the way.

After a horrific series of tragic events, Job had an epiphany.  He realized that his circumstances did not destroy his faith; it was the growing, obsessive focus on his own perspective (rather than God’s) that blinded him to the truth of God’s goodness, rapidly undermining his trust and crippling his faith.

The same is often true of us.  We trust what we see from our perspective:  other people are lucky but I’m not, I’m a tragic victim in a heartbreaking story.  Meanwhile, from God’s perspective,  it looks completely different.  From His vantage point, there is cause for hope because He is at work laying the foundation for the miracle He has planned.  The facts don’t change — only the perspective.  But that changes everything.

We can cling to lucky charms, whisper superstitious phrases and cross our fingers before each set of test results.  Or, we can hand our fears to the only one who knows how the story will end, and give ourselves over to peace.  Our hearts can only have one most trusted source of hope.

Which will it be:  hedge your bets, or trust your God?

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility and Humility Hill

To all who are struggling with infertility,

I thought about you as I hiked up Humility Hill today.  That may sound strange, but it’s true.  As I climbed, I realized that sharing this story might prevent you from making the same mistake I did.  So, here goes….

Two years ago, there was something I desperately wanted.  It wasn’t material “stuff,” it was a blessing – and one I was convinced was absolutely essential to the future I envisioned.  I’d done what I could to influence events in my favor, but the outcome was completely out of my hands.  So, I turned my attention to God and began to pray like crazy.

I would set off on long walks and pray about all the ways that saying “yes” to my desire would be wise on God’s part.  Like a persistent salesman, I showed up at every turn, relentlessly doing my best to show God the wisdom of agreeing with my extensive research, my wise judgment, my logic and reason.  I wanted Him to realize He didn’t need to think this through – because I already had!

All the traits and skills that had made me a successful advertising executive were brought to bear:  positioning, strategic thinking, timing the pitch, compelling arguments, downside risk assessment.  You name it, I covered it.  My prayers were 100% transmission, 0% reception because there was only one thing I wanted to hear from God.  YES.  Until I heard it, I’d keep at it.

So, did I convince Him?

No.

That’s why I call it Humility Hill.

I was hiking up the hill one day on one of my long walks, giving God an earful, when I reached my conclusion:  “… and that’s why I want you to do what I will.”  Those were the words my mind prayed – and they froze me on the spot.  I have no idea what really happened, but it seemed as if I turned to stone the minute I heard myself say, “…do what I will.”  It was if I’d said, “Obey me, God.”  I realized, that’s what I was really praying.  I was telling the God of the universe:  do what I say.  My will, not Thine.

That realization left me breathless.  I don’t know how long I stood there, not breathing.  Not thinking.  Not moving.  Just staring my hubris in the face.  I had spent months pestering God to bend to my will.  Begging Him, pleading with Him, browbeating and reasoning with Him.  I was horrified… and very ashamed.  I stood atop the hill for a long time, having no idea what to say or do.  I wanted to look away from the truth, but I couldn’t.  Then, I realized there was only one thing to say… the words of Jesus:  “Not my will, but thine.”

In that moment, I let go.  I released my grip on the circumstances I desperately wanted to control.  God had shown me my arrogant self-absorption, and I chose to face it.  To humble myself and change it.  I chose – in that moment – to give up the fight for control.

A few months later, I got my answer.  It was as close to “yes” as it could be, but still be “no.”  It seemed clear that God was saying, “I want you to know I heard you – but I have a better plan.”  Not long afterwards, that better plan manifested itself.  It was, and continues to be, so much better than what I prayed for.

Because of that experience, I’ve learned to pray for God’s best in every situation.  I don’t try to tell Him what that is; He already knows.  And I’ve realized, I don’t always.  The Bible says He “withholds no good thing,” and I’ve come to believe it’s true for those who trust and honor Him.  As a result, I find myself at peace – even in the midst of uncertainty.

If you’re ready to take God at His word, stop praying for your will to be done.  Instead, pray for His best – and then, watch Him delight in giving you more than you imagined possible.

He will.

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For more resources and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility and the Reasons to “Wait for It”

The most consistently challenging aspect of infertility is not physical.  It’s psychological.  It’s the day-to-day, moment-to-moment struggle to maintain equilibrium in the face of unanswered questions.  Why us?  Why me?  Why not?  Why them?  When, God?  Ever?!  How?  Fear fuels these questions while anxiety generates adrenaline and jealousy stirs up poisonous resentment.  The toxic result churns through our minds, hearts and spirits – again and again and again.

How can we find peace with so many questions?

Centuries ago, a prophet asked, “How long, O Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen?”  God responded, “…I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.”  The prophet begged:  tell me you will send help and hope.  God assured him, “Though it tarries, wait for it.  Because it will surely come” [Habakkuk 1:2, 1:5, 2:3].

How can that exchange help couples find peace in the midst of infertility?  Three ways:

It gives us a strategy.  Knowing that if we call for help, “I [God] am going to do something…,” helps us see our best option: claim that promise.  We already know we can’t control our circumstances, and we struggle to control our thoughts and emotions.  But, we can claim the promise that help is coming, and that gives cause for hope.  Why?  The Bible makes clear, God watches over His word in order to perform it.  When we claim it, we call on His faithfulness to be true to His promise.

It gives us a focal point.  God makes clear that there is an appointed time (known only to Him) when questions will be answered.  Cries for help will cease because tangible, visible, long-awaited help will come.  It is hard to wait patiently because we don’t know when that moment will be.  But God promises, “…it will surely come.”  So, we can choose to trust Him, looking toward that moment in time with hope and confidence.

It gives us God’s instruction. God says, “… wait for it.”  Those three words tell us how to make the transition from fearful to faithful:

1. Be patient – “Wait for it” means believe there is a purpose, and trust God’s perfect timing.  When we are uncertain, our tendency is often to assume the worst.  But if God intends to do something so wonderful “you would not believe it, even if you were told,” then there is a good reason for waiting.  The right egg?  The best sperm?  A new procedure?  A different birth mother?  Be patient; wait for it. 

2. Be still – “Wait for it” means be still enough to sense God’s presence, to sense help coming, and to rest in the knowledge “I am going to do something.”  When we are anxious, our tendency is to go faster – as if speed and urgency could bring us to closure sooner.  They can’t.  In fact, the more frantically we race around, the harder it is for us to be still.  But without stillness, there can be no peace.  Be still; wait for it.

3. Be expectant – “Wait for it” means anticipate God’s goodness, and expect Him to bring you His very best.  When we have to wait, our tendency is to worry that time will run out and we won’t receive the  blessing we desperately want.  God says, “Though it tarries…,” trust me, it’s coming.  My timing is perfect and my desire is to bless you.  Anticipate my goodness.  Be expectant; wait for it.

The path to peace has been laid out for us, and God is faithful.  If you are feeling anxious, “wait for it… [and] it will surely come.”

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

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Exceedingly, abundantly… Despite Infertility

I met Kirsten and Mike when they were well into their infertility journey.  They’d had a spontaneous miscarriage at 18 weeks.  “When you go through a miscarriage that’s further along in a pregnancy,” Kirsten said, “a big, huge hole opens up in your life.  You feel like you’re completely isolated.  You know in your mind that other people have gone through this, but you never expect it to happen to you.”

When they felt ready to try again, they had four unsuccessful IUIs and an IVF cycle that resulted in no embryos.  Their doctor, a well-known infertility expert, told them they had infertility “of unknown origin” – and then dropped a bomb.  As Mike recalled, “The doctor actually said to us, ‘You will never have kids.’  It took every bit of emotional strength to try to get through it.  Kirsten was nuts.  She was hitting herself and saying, ‘I’m worthless!’  It was really tough.”

Their doctor pushed them toward egg donation.  Mike was willing to think seriously about international adoption.  But Kirsten felt a need to try IVF one last time.  “I needed a period at the end of the sentence that said, ‘It will not work.’”  They found a doctor at Cornell who was trying a new IVF protocol.

When Kirsten woke up from the retrieval, they’d recovered ten eggs.  “Now, there was hope,” Mike remembered.  A couple days later, there were five embryos.   After the transfer, they flew home and waited for test results.  The call came.  She was pregnant.   “I didn’t relax the entire pregnancy,” said Mike.  “It was horrible – I was so anxious something would happen.  I didn’t exhale until the babies came.”

Two of them.  A boy and a girl.

“God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! [Eph 3:20]”

Their dismal track record indicated no chance.  Their doctor said, not possible.  Their common sense told them, not realistic.  Their fear repeated, not happening.  But their faith affirmed, I still believe.  And God breathed life into their hope.

The story doesn’t end there.

They brought their twins by to visit me recently.  Laughing as they shared the news, they told me, “We’re pregnant again.”  This time, it’s completely natural.  Unplanned.  Definitely unexpected.  A total gift from God.

He can do anything.

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

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Rabbits, Pickles and the Fight to Control Infertility

I just heard from a woman who adopted years ago, and is now watching close friends struggle with infertility.  She wrote:

“They are desperately trying to have a child…even eating tons of rabbit meat…someone told them rabbits are prolific so maybe eating them would help…not joking.”

Okay, what the heck?  Except… we tried all sorts of crazy things, too.  Someone told me I should eat lots of pickles, since that’s what pregnant women crave.  So, for weeks, I choked them down.  Never having been a fan before forced consumption, I learned to hate them in a whole new way when my next cycle started right on time.

It’s laughable now.  But it wasn’t then.  We were dead serious about getting what we wanted, and if pickles were the path to parenthood, so be it.

When we can’t have what we desperately want, our common impulse it seize control. That’s human nature.  The behavior can seem ridiculous – eating tons of rabbit meat, choking down jars of pickles.  Or, it can appear rational – buying ovulation predictors by the case, scheduling major life events around doctor’s appointments.  But bottom line, it’s all about the fight for control.

Part of the purpose of this infertility journey is to help us realize we are not in control.  We can’t be, no matter how desperately we want to be.  That unwelcome realization brings every couple to a fork in the road where a choice must be made:  resist the truth, or embrace it.

Resist it, and you doom yourself to a lot of heartache.  Control is an illusion.  A mirage.  An unattainable goal.  If you commit yourself to gaining control of this situation no matter what it costs, you will pay a very high price.  And you still may not have a child.

But, embrace the truth and you make room for God in your story.  You stop investing energy in pretending you know the answers, and recognize the wisdom, power and authority of the only one who truly does.  Instead of worshipping the illusion of control, you worship the one who has it – and you humbly acknowledge your need for his help.

It’s the only choice that makes sense.  And it’s the path that leads where you want to go.

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

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