Infertility & the Leap of Faith

Not long ago, I met with a couple going through infertility – and a lot of other struggles.  The husband said his life feels “like riding a flaming motorcycle down a dark highway at 100 mph.”  That’s not a bad metaphor for life feeling totally out-of-control.

I vividly remember the same kind of feeling when we were going through infertility.  My father had just died, my mother was getting a bone marrow transplant, and I was 2,000 miles from home taking care of her.  I was also taking fertility meds, scheduling IUIs, and sneaking bloodwork at the oncology clinic… all while trying to juggle a demanding job, an impatient boss, a frustrated client, and a (temporarily) long-distance marriage.  It was crazy!

I joked with my sister that, sooner or later, I was going to hit a wall and fall in a heap on the ground.  She responded, “Are you kidding?  You’ve broken through the wall.  You’re in totally uncharted territory.”

Does that sound familiar at all?

It’s scary to admit when things feel totally out-of-control.  The bad news keeps coming and coming.  Meanwhile, you are going as hard and fast as humanly possible, knowing this is not sustainable.  You know it’s just a matter of time ‘til you come apart under all the pressure.  But, you also know you can’t let that happen because what would happen next?  It’s too much to consider.  So, you do the only thing you can:  keep struggling.

There is an alternative.  Try taking a leap of faith.

Here are three reasons to consider doing it:

1)      You’re tired of trying to get out ahead of your problems.  You’re tired of trying to do it all alone.  You’re tired of being tired!  A leap of faith means rest.  The “leap” doesn’t actually require much effort at all.  It’s more like an exhale of faith.  A letting go of faith.  A “here, God, you take it” of faith.  Can you imagine a moment like that?  A few hours?  A day?  How might that give you a chance to recover from all you’ve been through?

2)      You’re not in control.  You never have been.  With infertility, it’s just not possible.  Rather than continuing to fight the truth, why not make peace with it?  Admit the obvious, and then turn to the only One who has control.  If you can believe He exists and that He is who He says He is, then the leap of faith only requires you to remember – that He is near you, He cares deeply, and He is insuring “all things work together for good.”  Trust, and leave the details to the One with control.

3)      You can find the kind of strength you truly need.  You’ve shown persistence, determination and resourcefulness already.  But you still haven’t reached your goal.  Take a big leap of faith and build “muscles” like confidence, hope, and even joy.  These are the ones that will sustain you until your hope becomes reality.

“Leap, and the net will appear.”  That’s the advice I was given years ago as I contemplated turning from self-reliance to something more like God-reliance.  It was terrifying advice.  And hugely helpful.

Now, it’s your turn.

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Update:  The husband featured in this post took a leap of faith by electing to have a surgery doctors told him was unlikely to affect his fertility.  He and his wife were told they could schedule IVF six weeks post-surgery.  But, two weeks after the surgery, they conceived naturally.

For more inspiration and cause for hope, click this link…

The Amazing Power of Praise

Some of the best discussion in the infertility Bible study comes in response to what seems like nonsensical advice:  Praise God for what you can’t see happening.  “Why should we, and how could we?” couples ask.  On the surface, the advice sounds ridiculous.  It seems absurdly Pollyanna to believe that seeing the bright side could somehow make it so.

But, it can.

Here’s what I mean.

Our praise releases the power of God into our lives.  When we dwell on the negative, on our feelings of powerlessness and despair, we invite the power of darkness into our spirits.  But, the opposite is also true.  When we concentrate our attention on the goodness of God and our knowledge of His faithfulness, we invite the power of the Holy Spirit to activate the word of God in us.  That changes everything.

“So, what do you thank God for when everything seems to be falling apart?” couples want to know.  “How can we praise Him when nothing is going according to (our) plan?  When the nurse calls with discouraging results… there are no eggs to harvest… the IVF fails… the birth mother changes her mind… our options are limited and the future looks bleak?”

Praise Him for sustaining you, and thank God for hope.  The Bible makes clear that what we see is not all there is.  In fact, it is in walking by faith and not by sight that we can “see” cause for hope.

Still at a loss?  Then speak these words of the psalmist:

But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more… til I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come.

Do those words feel relevant?  You want hope.  You’d love to declare God’s goodness to the next generation — your children, who came into your life despite all the struggles of infertility.  Even if it is hard for you to imagine saying these words with conviction, offer them with sincerity.  Pray them with a desire to see God demonstrate that your faith is justified.

“What if I can’t?  How do I praise God when I feel angry, resentful and hurt?”  You acknowledge the truth of your feelings, and then acknowledge a greater, timeless truth:  God is faithful.  How do you do that when you’re awash in powerful feelings?  Voice them, too!  Look again to the words of the psalmist:

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,… I will praise you for your faithfulness.

“Why praise God when I’m the one doing all the work and experiencing all this suffering?”  Because you’re not doing it alone.  You are surrounded by countless provisions every day, sent to you by the God who loves you and will sustain you.

Bottom line:  If you can’t praise God for His sake, then do it for for your own:

1) Praise strengthens you – It focuses your mind on God, helping you be attentive to His presence, His voice and His will.  That attentiveness strengthens your courage; you know you are not alone.  It fortifies your hope; you know your steps are guided by the One who is with you.  And, it reinforces your faith; as you exercise trust, you build your ability to believe in God’s promise-keeping faithfulness.

2) Praise also anticipates victory – It encourages optimism, regardless of the moment’s circumstances.  It leans into believing what can only be seen through eyes of faith — which delights the heart of the Father.  It makes everything different, even as it appears to remain the same, because it rests in the assurance of a powerful truth:  “all things are possible.”

Learning to trust and affirm God’s promises, despite today’s circumstances, is the great test of faith.  When we say, “Lord, despite what I see, I still believe all things are possible,” He stands ready to prove once again, “those who hope in me will not be disappointed.”

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For more inspiration and cause for hope, click this link to visit PregnantWithHope.com

An Adoptive Father’s Story

What if one of the blessings of infertility is that it exposes our infertile faith – and motivates us to draw near and rely on the God we’ve been taking for granted.  Would it be worth the heartache?

Joe thinks so.

When he and his wife joined our infertility bible study, they’d already faced cervical cancer, several failed IUIs, failed IVFs, surgeries (for both of them), and a miscarriage that occurred shortly after they shared news of their pregnancy with a dying parent.

How did they deal with it all?  Prior to these challenges, said Joe, “I was a passive Christian.  I didn’t read the Bible.  We were going to church, but for me, it was at a very superficial level.  I’d go, leave, and put it behind me until the next Sunday.”

Recently, USA Today featured the results of a major survey of young adults.  Among those who consider themselves Christians, 65% said they rarely/never pray with others, read the Bible, or worship.  The article summarized, “They’re mushy, in-name-only Christians.”

Joe embodied the trend of spiritual sleepwalking – mushy, in-name-only faith that’s nothing like a genuine relationship with God.  It’s pointless and largely useless.  But, that didn’t matter to Joe until infertility — and all the challenges that came with it — entered the story.  

“I had this experience that I’d never had before,” he recalled.  “I was in the shower upstairs and I lost it.  I was crying.  I literally could feel God, hear God, and He said, “You have to be strong.”  That’s when I realized I needed God on a more-than-superficial level.”  Soon afterwards, Joe and Nancy joined our infertility Bible study.

When couples seek out our group, they’ve often reached their limit.  Whether that limit is psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual, or some combination of these – their circumstances have become unbearable.  They’ve made as much progress as they can under their own power.  Now, humbled by their lack of success and painfully aware of their human limitations, they realize it’s time to try something new.

What can I possibly offer them?

This promise:  God uses our circumstances as a “spiritual refining process” to prepare us.  Rather than ignoring or punishing us, God  is allowing our experiences to mold us in anticipation of the blessing He has planned.  The gift that is coming.  The child we long for.

It’s human nature to feel desperate when we reach our limits.  But when we stop relying on our own ability to bring our dream to fruition, we open the door to a new kind of hope, based on God’s promise and His faithfulness.  The same promise-keeping God of scripture continues to work today in the lives of couples who invite Him into their story.

I’ve watched Him work miracle after miracle in the lives of couples who’ve joined our group and chosen to proceed in God-honoring ways.  They replaced spiritual sleepwalking with conscious, intentional trust and faith-full decisions.  Did it change anything?  Yes.  It changed everything.

Was it worth the effort?

When I interviewed Joe, now the father of a two-year-old son, for Pregnant with Hope, he summarized his experience this way:  “At the end of it, if all that happens is that you become closer to God, it’s worth it.”

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Update: In March, Joe & Nancy adopted their second son. They sent an email describing their oldest son’s response to the new baby:  “His eyes lit up and he smiled from ear to ear as he asked, ‘Is this my brother?'”  They continue to be amazed at the way God has created a uniquely wonderful family to bless the four of them.

Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

At Last, Good News

I met Brent & Cathi the first time they came to the infertility Bible study group.   At that point, Cathi was so exhausted by the emotional toll of infertility, it took enormous effort to hold herself together.   Tears were very close to the surface.  Several times they spilled over and poured down her cheeks.  Brent was doing his best to be stoic-yet-supportive.  It was clear they were struggling mightily.

A year later, when I interviewed the two of them for Pregnant with Hope, they spoke candidly about the challenge of being surrounded by countless fertile friends, all of whom seemed to conceive effortlessly.  They acknowledged having wrestled many times with feelings of anger, resentment, jealousy, self-pity, confusion, heartache and more as they struggled.  They also spoke of the deep desire to join the ranks of the “alumni” (couples who’d completed the infertility course and gone on to become parents), and the fear that made that seem impossible whenever bad news overwhelmed them.

So, it was with great joy that I read the article, “Couple Realize Dream of Being Parents.”  Take a minute to enjoy the story, and then remind yourself that the Bible says, “No one who trusts God like this — heart and soul — will ever regret it.  It’s exactly the same no matter what a person’s religious background may be:  the same God for all of us, acting in the same incredibly generous way to everyone who calls out for help.  Everyone who calls, ‘Help, God!’ gets help.”

Here’s the story as it appeared….

“When it came to having children, Cathi Hilpert never thought she’d have a problem.  The freelance writer married her husband, Brent, in 2000 and wasn’t in any hurry to start a family.  ‘We were married for some time before we started trying,’ she said.  ‘I always thought I’d pop one out right away, so we took our time.’  But, it wasn’t long before Hilpert realized that having a baby was not going to be as easy as she’d assumed.  After consulting doctors and specialists, she began a rigorous treatment that included test, drugs and needles.  ‘It was pretty intense,’ she recalled.

She and her husband soon found that being infertile absorbed their private lives and spilled into their social circle.  It became increasingly difficult to be around children or to discuss their feelings with friends.  ‘When you’re going through it, you often don’t have friends who understand,’ she said.  ‘It was even hard to go to church — a very hard place to be infertile.  You’re surrounded by children, and there’s a lot of talk about children being blessings.  You start to wonder, ‘Have I done something wrong that I’m not blessed?’

After a year of dealing with the anguish on their own, the couple discovered a class led by author Susan Radulovacki and based on her book, Pregnant with Hope.  Hilpert and her husband began attending regular sessions for infertile couples.  ‘We really wanted to meet other people going through it,’ Hilpert said.  ‘This class was a safe place to share our feelings.  That’s probably the biggest challenge of infertility:  as much as friends and family empathize, it’s really difficult for them to understand.’

Brent Hilpert, a 34-year-old chemistry teacher, described the couple’s two-year struggle as ‘isolating.’  He said, ‘My wife and I looked for any resource we could find and there was very little out there.  The class was especially  helpful because it gave me a place to talk about all of these issues with other men.’

Last November, after nine months of an uncomplicated pregnancy resulting from IVF, Cathi Hilpert, 32, fulfilled her dream of becoming a mother when her daughter Molly was born.  But, she and her husband still attend the class to share their story with other couples.  ‘There are so many people who go through hell to build a family,’ she said.  ‘We want to be supportive of others as they go through the process.’

Hilpert said she knows ‘the whole experience made us different parents than if we hadn’t gone through the infertility journey.  I have a little more patience than I may have had.  I love being a mom and can’t imagine my life any other way than with kids.'”

The same faithful God who brought Brent and Cathi to the moment they longed for, and placed Molly safely in their arms, has a plan that will lead your life to intersect with the life of a particular child who needs you.  That is why He placed the seed of hope in your heart.  That is why He has nurtured and protected it, even as you have suffered through loss after grief after heartache.  He will execute His plan perfectly (if you do not willfully alter its course), as soon as all the pieces are in place.

Until then, trust Him… and visualize that reporter calling you to say, “So, how did your story begin?”

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For more resources and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com

Content, Despite Infertility? It’s Possible

“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation….”

How many people experiencing infertility can make that claim:  “content in any and every situation”?  When the end of a two week wait comes suddenly… still content?  When there are no eggs to harvest, or when IVF doesn’t work – again… still content?  When everyone  – everywhere! – seems to be getting pregnant.  When it’s time to attend another baby shower, and once again, it’s someone else’s.  When money’s running low and emotions are running high… still content?  Really?

Okay… what’s the secret?

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me” [Philippians 4:13].  What does that mean?  How does this verse give help and hope to couples struggling through infertility?  How can we lay claim to this strength?  And how might it transform our infertility experience?

Mike discovered the answer when he and his wife lost their baby at 20 weeks.  He described his experience  in Pregnant with Hope.  “I remember standing out in the hallway feeling very dizzy.  One of the nurses got a chair for me.  I didn’t think I was going to recover.  But somehow, a feeling of calm came over me and I heard a voice in my head saying, ‘Go to Kirsten.’  One moment I was dizzy… but then one second later, I was clear-headed and able to function.  I tell you, that’ll make you believe in divine grace.”

That divine grace is available to everyone; there are only two requirements.  First, we must acknowledge our need for help.  The voice of pride tells us to be self-reliant, but as Mike said, “When a nurse grabs you and puts you in a chair, it’s because she doesn’t think you can stand.  I was spiraling out of control.”  In that moment, there was no energy for pride or pretense.  Mike was literally knocked off his feet by their loss.  His spirit cried out as his body failed him, and God answered.

The second requirement is simply that we recognize who is helping us, and trust the source.  “We had so many God-works-in-mysterious-ways moments,” Mike remembered.  “Like, I had a ‘eureka’ moment realizing I could love a girl from China as my daughter, and I felt calm.  Or another time, Kirsten began spotting and someone said to me, ‘Everything’s fine,’ and it was like a prophet telling me.  I was inspired by God.”

Was Mike content in every situation, as the Bible verse says is possible?  Not even close.  “Those were the worst two years of my life,” he said.  “It took every bit of emotional strength to get through it.”

Does that mean the verse isn’t true?  No.  “I have learned the secret of contentment…” means experience has taught me.  Mike learned through his experience that peace can be found amidst anguish, calm can be experienced despite uncertainty, and faith can be renewed by messages God sends to those He loves.

The hardest parts of the journey are what led to Mike’s confidence in the promise, “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”  The secret of contentment?  Mike has learned:  It’s God-reliance.

Trust him… You’ll see.

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Devastated by Loss?

The loss of a pregnancy or a newborn is surely the most devastating part of infertility – and it is often the time when couples feel most alone.  Despite being surrounded by family or friends, caring co-workers or fellow congregants, there is a sense of being singled-out for the worst possible kind of suffering.  The loss is so great – not just the loss of a life, but also the loss of all the dreams that went with it, all the hopes it represented, and all the anticipated joy that is gone in an instant… and seems lost forever.

What does a couple need in a time of such profound heartache?

Tenderness.

Compassion.

Grace.

And wisdom.

Aimee Alexander works at Northside Hospital’s Perinatal Loss unit.  Her hospital delivers 19,000 babies a year.  On average, there is one loss per day.  Even though, statistically, it’s a small number, it is still utterly incomprehensible to every couple crossing Aimee’s path.

How does she comfort them all?   “We can’t change the outcome,” she acknowledged.  “We can’t make babies come back alive – or make people feel better when they don’t, and aren’t ready to.  But, we can try to provide outlets for grief, a sense of hope that they will survive this, and the assurance that they are not alone.”

One of the couples I interviewed for Pregnant with Hope, Amy & Trey, experienced a devastating loss midway through a pregnancy.  “I was put on bedrest, and it was a very rough pregnancy with lots of scares and bleeding along the way,” Amy recalled.  “At 19½ weeks, my water broke and we were forced to deliver the baby, knowing that it would not survive.  We went to the hospital and delivered a little baby boy.”

As Aimee said so often happens, they needed an outlet for grief, a sense of hope that they could survive their loss, and an assurance that they were not alone.  They found all those things through the infertility Bible study that forms the basis for Pregnant with Hope.  Amy said one of the most helpful things they learned was that “when bad things happen, God cries with you.  He doesn’t do bad things to you.  That realization helped me because – when we were angry or I was so hurt, I didn’t necessarily think He was doing bad things to us, but I wondered where He was!  It made me feel better to know that God was hurting with me.”

God does grieve with us when our hearts are broken.  He has tremendous compassion for our suffering.  At the same time, He is able to see beyond the moment of grief to the joy that awaits in the future.  The joy that He knows is coming.  We cannot see it, and so we must trust in – cling to! – His faithfulness.  Even when we don’t understand why something has happened, or how we will ever recover, we can lean into believing that He is a promise-keeping God who longs to give us His very best… and intends to.  Our trust will enable our hearts to heal and our hope to be renewed.

Very few people are willing to attempt what Aimee Alexander does every day – to stand with someone who is overwhelmed with grief, pour love into their heart for as long as it takes, and wait patiently for them to realize:  I’ll be okay.  Very few. But God is always willing, and always able.

He alone has the compassion, love and grace to carry you through grief, the patience to walk alongside you toward the future, and the power to make that future full of joy.

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Find cause for hope & many more resources at PregnantWithHope.com

At Peace Despite Unanswered Prayer

I got a bittersweet email from a reader this morning. She had written to me in early January asking for prayer as she and her husband tried IVF after five failed IUI’s and a miscarriage. She told me she’d already read Pregnant with Hope once, and she would be re-reading it as they made their way toward Transfer Day because it filled her with confident hope.

Her note this morning said, “None of our embryos made it to Day 3, but I’ve had peace throughout the process.”

How did she do that? How did she sustain a sense of peace despite all the uncertainty? How did she step into the moment of disappointment when she heard none of the embryos made it… and through it?

She chose to trust that God’s best sometimes begins with “No.”

Years ago, Garth Brooks released a country song about unanswered prayer. I heard it so many times that, despite my limited affection for country music, I knew the words by heart – among them: “Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” It took me years to realize that song was popular, in part, because it’s so true.

For much of my life, I prayed for specific requests to be fulfilled and equated that with answered prayer.  When I didn’t get what I wanted, I took it as an indication that God either didn’t care much about me, or that He wasn’t listening very carefully.

I was wrong.

In hindsight, I can see that the prayers I thought were not being answered were actually answered very clearly:  “No, because I have something better planned.”  “No, because there are things you don’t understand.” “No, because I can see what you cannot see, and I know what you cannot know about the future.” “No, because I love you too much to say ‘yes.’”

The early part of my life was a cake walk. It was easy to love God and trust Him – because I was perpetually blessed. Only when everything possible began to go wrong did I realize that trusting God meant thanking Him for what I didn’t think I wanted. It meant finding peace in the midst of complete chaos and total uncer- tainty, by faith.

When I found that peace and learned how to live into it – despite the stressful circumstances that threatened to hijack every aspect of my life – I stepped into a new relationship with God.  And I started becoming the person He wanted me to be as a parent.

Now, I know better than to tell God what to do. I recognize and respect the fact that His wisdom far surpasses my own. And, equally important, I trust His love for me. I trust that He wants the very best for me – and all those whom I love. So, I pray for His best — whatever, and whenever that may be.

The woman who wrote to me this morning has chosen that same perspective. She trusts this “no” is one step on the journey to the child who’s waiting in her future. The one who is nothing less than God’s best. Imagine God’s delight when it will finally be time to tell her, “Yes.”

 

Victory on God’s Terms

I’ve just finished reading the biography of Rees Howells, a Welsh minister from the early 20^th century.  It arrived in my mailbox months ago, tattered and disintegrating, held together by a rubber band.  A gift from a reader of this blog.

I don’t remember exactly why the woman said she sent it.  I tucked it on a shelf thinking I might get to it someday.  When a snowstorm iced us into the house indefinitely, the book jumped off the shelf into my hand and I began to read.

What a story.

The book narrates Rees Howells’ decision to say ‘yes’ to every leading from the Holy Spirit – no matter how difficult, unnerving, or humbling – and the amazing life journey that resulted.  One particular story captured my imagination.  It was the only story of (apparent) failure….

Howells had been praying for weeks for a woman in a nearby village who was dying.  It was the first time he’d ever prayed so passionately for God to save a life.  Suddenly, he felt in his spirit that she would be healed completely. He joyfully shared this news with her, and they were both confident of victory.  But then, to his great surprise, she died suddenly.  It was devastating for him.  How could God have promised life, and yet she died?

According to Howells, the Holy Spirit revealed to him that God had responded to his prayers by healing the woman’s body just before she died.   And the woman knew it.  “She was shaking hands vigorously and saying ‘goodbye’ [to friends and family] with such excitement, as if she was going on a wonderful adventure.”  She knew she’d been fully healed; she also knew that she was going to be with God.  It was complete victory, and she was exuberant.

But Howells’ wasn’t.  When he heard she’d died, he felt true spiritual distress.  Why, if she had regained her health, did the woman have to die?  What was God’s purpose in this outcome?

The Holy Spirit revealed that if the woman had lived, Howells would have been tempted to bask in the glory – as if he had saved her himself.  Everyone in the village had known about his prayer campaign.  He would’ve received the glory; not God.  But he hadn’t cured her.  He couldn’t.  Only God could.  And He did.

By curing her just before taking her to be with Him, God received the full measure of glory (in both the woman’s gratitude, and her demonstrated eagerness to be with Him), and Howells received the assurance that his prayers were powerful and effective.

The world just couldn’t see the victory.

When I read that story, I got a text-to-self jolt of adrenaline.  That epiphany feeling that told me God was showing me something important.  Victory sometimes looks like failure …. The world can’t see or understand it….  There is temptation to bask in the glory of a desired outcome….  A promise can come from God and be fulfilled, yet not save the life that was prayed for….

I realized that I had felt like Howells – as if God had made a promise to my spirit, and yet what I saw was not life, but death.  It happened with our twins – the first children we conceived after a long battle with infertility.

Like Howells, we’d shared the good news when we’d received God’s promise (in our case, in the form of two beating hearts).  And, like Howells, we’d assumed we knew exactly how the story would unfold:  good news would be followed by good health, and good health by long life.

At the time, we didn’t think much about giving God glory.  We were too caught up in the excitement, and the anticipation of something amazing.  Were we tempted to bask in the glory of bringing the first grandchildren into the world?  Maybe a little.  But we would’ve said at the time that that was harmless.

When their hearts stopped beating – first Baby A’s, and then several weeks later, Baby B’s – we were consumed with grief and a spiritual distress much like Howells’.  We had succeeded, and yet we had failed.  A vision of the future as a family had come from God and been fulfilled (to a point), and yet the lives that were prayed for had ended suddenly.

Like Howells, we could see the failure… but not the victory.  Until years later, when our two children were born.  Despite being 22 months apart, people often ask us, “Are they twins?”  I don’t think that’s a coincidence.  I think that is victory… on God’s timetable, and on God’s terms.

To God be the glory. 

 

 

Infertility Challenges & Victory

On a walk this afternoon, I passed a tiny church that posts inspirational messages on a signboard outside its front door.  Today, the sign read:  “Expect challenges; Expect victories.”  I started thinking about several couples I know who lost pregnancies just before Christmas.  It’s easy to see the challenges for them – to find peace, to trust God, to let go of their dreams for those babies.

“Where is the victory?” I asked God.

I came home to find Nick’s most recent blog post in my email inbox (Nick’s wife Anna miscarried in early December).  He’d written:  “There are a lot of things I don’t understand, but mostly I don’t understand why I need to understand when faith is so much more liberating.”

That got me thinking….

When we first enter into a relationship with God, our faith is untested.  It’s simply a “yes” to God’s invitation to receive His love and grace.  Our baseline level of trust in Him determines the initial strength of the relationship.

When life unfolds according to a script we never would have chosen, our faith is tested.  We struggle to understand why the God we thought we knew and believed we trusted is allowing this to happen.  “Why, God?  Why are you ignoring my pleas?  Rejecting my prayers?  Taking my story in a direction that makes no sense and brings me only grief?”

The deep desire to understand “why?!” launches us on a search for answers:  Who is this God we thought we knew and understood?  What is His purpose?  Do we want a relationship with Him?  And what is it He wants from us?  We are compelled to grapple with these questions because they consume our thoughts.

Every time an infertile couple loses a pregnancy, these questions clamor for attention.  Each person’s response — refusing to consider questions, answering for God rather than asking Him, or taking the questions to God and listening for His answers — determines whether this will be a season of spiritual growth, or just a season of suffering.

This is how challenges can lead to victory.

The loss of a pregnancy (and the dreams associated with it) creates a gaping chasm between Then and Now.  The faith we had Then may have been sufficient for our needs in the past, but Now we need something more.  We need a deeper, more intimate, more confident relationship with a God whom we can trust at all times, with all things.  We need to enter into an infinitely more meaningful relationship with the God who never fails us.

He welcomes our questions, our uncertainty, our deep doubts and fears.  When we bring them to Him honestly, He reveals more of His goodness and faithfulness to us.  He never withholds compassion.  Our hearts, so deeply wounded and desperate to receive His sustaining love, will always find it.

Deeper, stronger, tested-and-proven faith is liberating.  It is the great blessing of this journey that equips us for all that is still to come.  Our questions and our need to understand are a means of strengthening our faith.   If there is to be victory in the challenge of loss, this is it.

Sow in Tears, Reap with Joy

It can be very disheartening to hear other couples’ success stories.  We listen thinking they may spark our own hope or offer some inspiration.  But more often than not, someone else’s success just reinforces our own sense of having been singled-out for suffering – compounding a growing sense of isolation and despair.

I had no intention of including infertile couples’ success stories when I wrote Pregnant With Hope – in  part, because I’d already worked for nearly a year to transcribe the messages from the infertility Bible study.  But also, I anticipated a negative response from the still-struggling couples who’d be reading the book.

God knew better.

During a long walk, He made very clear that I was not done writing.  I needed to find ten couples to share their stories – in their own words, using their real names.  “That’ll never happen!” I argued.  “No one will agree to that.”

God pushed me to try.

Amazingly, ten of the twelve couples I asked said, “Yes.”

Why was it so important to include their stories?  Because they fulfill a promise of scripture  — one  which God intends to fulfill in your life, too:  “Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.”

That promise is at the heart of Pregnant With Hope.  It is the common element in all ten of the stories told by the couples featured in the book.

All of them came to our group barely clinging to anything resembling hope.  Most had experienced multiple miscarriages, numerous failed IVFs, and countless trips to doctors’ offices.  Some had also undergone major surgeries, lost family members, battled cancer….  They were completely exhausted by the journey.

Experience had taught them to expect only failure and heartache.  Increasingly, the “experts” agreed:  the odds were not good, and getting worse.  So, they sowed in tears – grieving their losses while continuing to cast seeds of hope.  Some sought new doctors, new tests or new protocols.  Others felt led to plow effort into creating profiles, finding adoption lawyers and scheduling home studies.  All of them chose to trust the God of miracles.

And all ten couples reaped incredible blessings.

They’re all parents now, as are many, many couples who’ve come after them.  Whether by conception or adoption, egg donation or surrogacy, they will tell you with absolute conviction:  this is the baby who was always meant for us.

Why are their stories so inspiring?  Because all ten couples, each in their own way and in the context of their unique story, dramatically demonstrate the power of the prayer:  Thy will be done.  All of them discovered the power of letting go, of trusting God’s timing, and of believing that their infertility was not the end of the story.

On the surface, each journey may have seemed doomed and hopeless.  In the natural, there was no reason to believe joy was coming.  But in the spiritual realm, God was blessing the seeds of hope they’d sown in tears.  He was honoring their faith with His faithfulness.  And they all “reap(ed) with songs of joy.”

Live into God’s promise and you will, too.

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Are you sowing in tears with no sense of hope?  Please let me  pray for you.  Email me:  susan@pregnantwithhope.com.