Bitter or Better

Two women wrote recently to tell me about their infertility experience. One is furious: “I think God is very unfair in regards to who is afflicted with infertility and who isn’t! Nothing good can ever come out of the misery we have experienced! I’m fed up with Christians giving God credit for the good but absolving him of all responsibility for the bad!”

Have you ever felt like that? Ever wanted to curse God for putting you through infertility? The stress, the grief, the loneliness, the frustration, the endless heartache…. because “nothing good can ever come out of the misery”?

Actually, scripture promises otherwise. It promise “beauty for ashes” and “that all things work together for good,” but it can be hard to believe that when you don’t see any evidence. All you see is God resisting your pleas, turning a deaf ear to your cries, and ignoring your suffering. So, you’re tempted to slam the door on Him and take charge of the situation. At least you’ll be in control! And that’s what this is really about.

When God doesn’t deliver what we want when we want it, we’re tempted to act like entitled children. We want to indulge the negative emotions we’re so sick of feeling, and take it out on the One who has the power to change things: “Why won’t you?! I hate you!!”

It may feel satisfying in the moment, but it doesn’t change things for the better. Instead, it makes us bitter.

The alternative, as another woman commented, is to see trials as a chance to choose between bitter and better. “Admittedly, losing my only sibling when he was 36 made me a little of both (bitter and better). I deal with it well now, I think, and the good Lord fills in my empty spaces, but the immense loss certainly does color my outlook. That is partly why I spent my successful pregnancy in disbelief. Why would we be parents after 12 years of infertility? But we are! We were honored to welcome our son into the world last year thanks to the generosity of another couple at our clinic who donated one of their embryos to us. God is good… even when our faith has just about run dry!”

It’s the truth. His timing is rarely ours. But it is perfect.

“For we know that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.”  -Romans 8:28

What makes that verse “work” for some people, but not others? I’ve been asked that question many times by couples struggling through infertility — some of them lifelong Christians. How can it be that their suffering is an essential step in becoming parents? Will they ever have a baby? Why can’t it be now?

Their faith is facing a test: Their heart’s desire is not being satisfied by the God who doesn’t appear to care. How do they get Him to “work all things together for good?”

The answer is in the verse itself. All things work together for good when we love God, trust His purpose, and act according to our calling.

Is your calling to be a parent? To steward a soul — or more than one  — through life? To honor God by raising that child to know and trust Him as you do? If so, believe that God placed that desire in your heart, and recognize that, with Him, all things are possible.

The woman whose baby was born from a donated embryo lost her only sibling while battling infertility for a dozen years. She had every reason to be bitter as she struggled and struggled, but as she wrote later in her note, she clung to the promise that “all things work together for good…” — not because she was seeing it unfold in her life, but because she saw that possibility with eyes of faith. Even when her faith “had just about run dry,” she resisted the temptation to give up on God.

And He proved faithful.

When God’s timing isn’t your timing, and His ways aren’t your ways, it can be easy to get impatient, angry and bitter. You can choose to lean into those feelings and find yourself in a very dark place — emotionally, and spiritually. Or, you can lean into believing what you can’t yet see — that God is a promise-keeper who is glorified by our willingness to trust Him when life is hard.

He is at work in your life. Trust and believe. Wait and see.

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Need more encouragement as you make your infertility journey? Read Pregnant with Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples. The stories of ten couples who chose faith over bitterness will inspire you and renew your hope.

Infertility and the Teachable Moment

Yesterday, my friend Stefan told me that someone close to him is struggling through infertility.  Frustrated, he said, “I told her to get in the infertility group at church, but she won’t do it.”

Knowing nothing about this woman, I said, “Let me guess.  She’s a Type A personality.  Very successful at work.  She’s married to an I-Can-Do-It kind of guy.  He hates to ask for help – takes pride in being self-reliant.  He’s a Fixer.  They’re keeping their struggle quiet because they’re going to push through it privately.  They’re just hoping it’ll be behind them soon.”

He almost fell over.  “You’ve described them perfectly!” he said, sounding totally amazed.

How did I know?  I didn’t… but it was a safe guess.  Over time, I’ve noticed a pattern working with infertile couples:  very often, they’re people who are used to success.

It’s the same story with every couple I meet through the infertility Bible study, and with people who contact me about blogposts or chapters in my book.  They’re used to succeeding.  They’re used to solving problems.  They’re used to getting things done – on time, and on budget.  When something is hard, they push harder.  Whatever it takes, they accomplish the objective.

Crazy as it sounds, this is the common denominator in every infertility story I know. I think it is the infertility story:  life was unfolding according to plan – then suddenly, we hit the wall.  What’s happening?!

I believe God is using infertility to create a teachable moment.

Think about it.  We want a baby and are motivated to do whatever it takes to make that happen.  He wants to teach us hugely important lessons that require a humble willingness to learn.  Those aren’t traits He consistently sees in us.  So, cue the infertility.

We try and try to conceive… remain childless… push harder and harder… become increasingly desperate… struggle for peace, hope and sanity… realize we can’t “fix” this… beg God for help… don’t get what we want (on our terms, or our timetable)…feel grief, anger, fear, despair…pass through many more cycles, struggling with the same issues… and finally become ready to end this painful process and completely relinquish control.

I’m convinced that the moment of humbly acknowledging “I can’t do this, God, only You can” is the critical first step toward learning the lesson(s) of this teachable moment.  “I choose to trust You and accept Your will for us, whatever that may be.”  When we can embrace the knowledge that those are not words of defeat – they are simply words of submission – we’re headed for victory.  The worst of the battle is behind us.

Are you ready for your infertility journey to come to an end?  Ask yourself if you are ready to accept whatever God gives you, whatever plan He has in mind for your future.  His best.  If you are ready to say “yes” unconditionally, you are ready to clear your only real hurdle.

Trust me, God will clear the rest.

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Want more encouragement and cause for hope?  Click this link…