Fear: It’s All an Illusion

I learned something huge yesterday, and it has very real implications for your infertility journey.

Here’s the back story:  the host of a TV show came to my house to film an interview.  She wanted to get the story behind Pregnant With Hope.  Why did I write it?  Why do I write this blog?  And what keeps me going?

When she asked me to do the interview, I was honored and excited.  What a great way to reach more couples, and the people constellated around them.  In half an hour, I could deliver messages of help and hope that could alter the trajectory of countless infertility journeys!

I felt nothing but anticipation… until the middle of the night, when fear flooded my heart.

It came out of nowhere and gripped me so tightly I couldn’t sleep.

When the host arrived yesterday, I was a basketcase.  All I could think about was anxiety and failure.  The prayers I’d prayed seemed powerless in the face of such potent fear.  What was my problem?  The host urged me to relax, but my heart was racing.  My mind was already rehearsing thoughts of failure and defeat.

Somehow, I survived the interview.  But all afternoon I was burdened with a feeling of deep despair.  I had wanted so much to trust God and honor Him with this story.  How could I have failed so completely?

I emailed my husband defeatedly, “It’s over.”  He emailed back, “You were obedient.”  I clung to those words as I tried to console myself.  But when we got in bed last night, I couldn’t sleep.  I tossed and turned for hours before finally begging God to lift the burden of failure off me so I could rest.

And that’s when I learned something huge:  it was all an illusion.

God answered my prayer by revealing the enemy’s tactic.  My mind had been filled with lies!  There was nothing to fear.  I spoke my heart and my words honored God.  The interview was great, and when it airs, it will speak hope to those who see it.  It wasn’t a disaster – it was a victory!

Here’s what I’m trying to say….  God cannot be defeated.  When we trust and honor Him, when we are obedient to His call on our lives, there is no power that can stop us.  The only obstacle we must overcome is ourselves and our tendency toward fearfulness.

God’s will for our lives — His perfect plan — can never be overpowered when we say an unconditional “yes.”  So, the only weapon in Satan’s arsenal yesterday was to get me focused on (negative) feelings, rather than the fact that something awesome was underway.

The same holds true for your infertility journey.  God already knows the outcome.  The victory is already written in the Book of Life.  It is done!  But there is a spiritual battle underway over you.

Will you focus on who God is and the seed of hope He has planted in your heart?  Will you trust Him no matter what you see or hear from those who do not know Him?  Or, will you trust feelings of fear and thoughts of failure planted in your heart by God’s enemy?  Will you anticipate defeat, lean into that expectation, and invite it to be so?

Learn from my experience.  Your feelings are not the whole story.  In fact, they’re nothing more than a distraction.  An illusion.  A mirage.  They are confusing and distressing and anxiety-provoking – but they are not the Truth.

Ask God to show you the Truth – to tell you the Truth – and watch your fears fall around you like a house of cards.  It will amaze you!  And it will change the way you see everything.

=====================================================

To see the video that was filmed that day, click this link.  And, for more inspiration, visit PregnantWithHope.com.

Infertility & Stepping Out in Faith

What does the Bible have to say about risk-taking and decision-making when we are called to a future we can’t seem to reach?  And how does that apply to the infertility journey?

I recently re-read the story of Moses leading the newly-freed slaves out of Egypt.  They reach the Red Sea.  There appears to be no way forward.  The Egyptian army is coming hard and fast.  There is no way to turn back.  And then God parts the Sea.  Two walls of water arise to the left and right, and impossibly, a path appears that invites them to cross over to safety and the future God has promised.

You’ve seen the movie, right?

Now, picture yourself as one of the throng following Moses.

You’ve been anticipating joy, but then you reach what looks like an impasse.  There’s no way through, your mind tells you.  This is it – the end of the dream.  After all I’ve come through – the suffering, the struggle to sustain hope, the longing for a future of blessing and joy – and now this.  We’ll have to give up and turn back.

And then, you realize you can’t go back.  This is worse than you knew.  Not only is the future at risk, the present is, too.  Everything’s changed.  Fear floods your heart and panic rises in your chest.  “Help!” your spirit cries.  It looks like the beginning of The End… but then, a path appears.

Freeze that frame.

You have a choice to make.

If you choose to focus on all the ways this can turn out badly, you will give in to despair.  None of your options inspires confidence:  face the army, try to outrun them, walk past the walls of water.  Can you handle any of these?  If you focus on what could go wrong, you will feel increasingly helpless, hopeless  and victimized.

Choose this response to your circumstances and you’ll be psychologically paralyzed.  Rather than do anything, you will find yourself seeking people who share your perspective:  “This is bad, isn’t it?  It’s unfair.  God is cruel.  No one cares about our suffering.”  You’ll spend your time and energy seeking pity, awaiting what seems inevitable.  And, you’ll never see the Promise Land.

If you choose to trust only what you can see and understand, you will head for defeat.  If you doubt the “impossible,” you won’t want to trust the path through the Red Sea.  How long will those walls of water hold?  What happens if you’re halfway across when they come crashing down?  How can you be sure that’s a risk worth taking?

Your focus is maintaining the illusion of control in a scary, chaotic situation.  So, your options are limited by your refusal to see beyond what you can manage.  You can’t will yourself out of this situation, and you can’t change your circumstances; you can only get to the Promise Land by risking God-reliance.  If it’s all about control, your only choice is how to face defeat on your own terms.

If you choose to believe that God can do anything, you will step out in faith.  Your only real choice is also your best one.  Why give in to despair when there is cause for hope?  Why accept defeat when there is a path to victory?  There’s no need to give up or turn back.  God has made a way where there was no way.

If you believe that the seed of hope He planted in your heart is there to sustain you through this journey, then get a move on!  Focus on the power and faithfulness of the One who is guiding your steps, who is making the impossible possible, and who already knows the outcome of this journey.  If you do, His plan will be fulfilled and you will reach the Promise Land.

**                                   **                                 **                                   **                                **

Many of the couples who come to the infertility Bible study feel the Bible has nothing relevant to say to infertile couples.  If you think so, I urge you to look again.  Every story speaks to the need to trust God, rely on Him, and believe His promises.

If you will choose to step out in faith — focusing not on the size of your fear or the threats to your dream, but the goodness of the God who loves you — I’m convinced you will reach the future He intends for you.  It’s a risk you’ll never regret.

====================================================

For more inspiration and cause for hope, read Pregnant With Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples.

What’s Luck Got to Do with It?

Why are certain people so lucky, and others not?  Does luck play a role in ending infertility?  If so, how?  Does it affect finding the right doctor?  Choosing the right treatment?  Sustaining a pregnancy?  Having a baby?

When confronted with the challenge of persistent infertility, couples often develop a new fascination with luck.  They can’t help noticing other couples’ luck conceiving effortlessly.  They ask, “what worked for you?” – as if good luck might rub off on them.  They frequently express a desire to change their own luck, and to make it work for them (rather than against them).  They’ll come into the infertility group saying things like, “we don’t want to jinx ourselves…,” or “we’re crossing our fingers…,” or “if we get lucky this time….”

I know they just mean to hedge their bets; it’s a form of psychological self-protection.  But it’s also more than that.  Their behavior reveals an unconscious response to deep fear, rooted in the loss of control.

Fear is a predictable response to not knowing who, or what, is determining the course of events.  When those events are negative, and ongoing, their uncontrollability is frightening and destabilizing.  Is this just bad luck?  Or something worse?  Is God in this?  Playing what role?  Is He for us, against us, or a dispassionate observer?  There is an aspect of randomness to this experience.  Does anyone know what’s happening?  Can anyone do anything about it?

Couples don’t realize that – in the absence of answers to these questions – they’re tempted to default to superstitious, let’s-cover-our-bases thinking:  “If we do everything right and nothing wrong, and we cross our fingers and don’t tell a soul, maybe it will work… if we’re lucky [knock on wood].”

For millenia, God has watched people respond to uncertainty with superstition, worshiping whatever they believe will enable them to control their destiny.  When He sees us turning to luck and superstition — as if they have power — He knows we don’t actually trust Him.  Not His love or His motives.

Maybe we don’t believe He hears us and cares – at least, not about this.  Maybe we don’t feel safe in our relationship with Him, and so we don’t confront Him for fear that bad will get worse.  Maybe we feel lost to Him, or forgotten.  Maybe we feel punished and angry.  Maybe we are afraid.  Maybe all these things.  Maybe more.  Whatever the reason, we have chosen to struggle on in fear and uncertainty, rather than claim His promises and trust His faithfulness.

Is there any real alternative?  Yes – and Job, the Bible’s poster boy for suffering, shows us the way:

After a horrific series of tragic events, Job had an epiphany.  He realized that his circumstances did not destroy his faith; it was the growing, obsessive focus on his own perspective (rather than God’s) that blinded him to the truth of God’s goodness, rapidly undermining his trust and crippling his faith.

The same is often true of us.  We trust what we see from our perspective:  other people are lucky but I’m not, I’m a tragic victim in a heartbreaking story.  Meanwhile, from God’s perspective,  it looks completely different.  From His vantage point, there is cause for hope because He is at work laying the foundation for the miracle He has planned.  The facts don’t change — only the perspective.  But that changes everything.

We can cling to lucky charms, whisper superstitious phrases and cross our fingers before each set of test results.  Or, we can hand our fears to the only one who knows how the story will end, and give ourselves over to peace.  Our hearts can only have one most trusted source of hope.

Which will it be:  hedge your bets, or trust your God?

=====================================================

More many more resources & cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com

When We Can’t, God Will

Infertility doesn’t strike most of us as a great calling.  In fact, just the opposite.  It is a tremendous burden, an enormous obstacle, a prolonged season of undeserved suffering.  Everything bad and nothing good.  But what if that’s not how God sees it?  Does that matter?  If we could understand God’s purpose, would it change our perspective on infertility?

My husband and I rented “The Ten Commandments” DVD not long ago and watched Charlton Heston’s Moses journey from birth to the moment at the burning bush.  In that moment, when God calls him to confront Pharaoh and free his people, Moses’ first thought is:  I can’t.  But, God doesn’t take “no” for an answer.  As He makes clear, this isn’t about what Moses can do;  it’s about what God can do.  If Moses is willing, God is able.

He has a purpose for making it (appear) impossible for Moses to succeed, which He explains:

“…‘Go to Pharaoh, for I have hardened his heart…so I can perform these miraculous signs of mine… so that you may tell your children and grandchildren… and that you may know that I am the Lord”  [Exodus 10:1-2].

God isn’t interested in humiliating Moses or putting him in danger, despite how it may seem.  This story isn’t just about Moses.  God is setting the stage “for these miraculous signs of mine” which require the appearance of impossibility.  Why?  “So that you may tell your children and grandchildren… and that you may know that I am the Lord.”  All Moses needs to do is trust  God, and obey.

Like Moses, we miss sensing God’s purpose when we’re confronted with what appears impossible.  We’re too busy concentrating on our limitations and our fears.  Infertility focuses our attention on what we can’t do.  That’s all we can see, and all we can think about!  We forget that this isn’t about us; it’s about what God can do in and through us.

When Moses says, I can’t, God repeatedly assures him, I will:  “I will send you,” “I will be with you,” “I will help you,” “I will show you,” “I will teach you.”  Why?  “So that you may tell your children and grandchildren… and that you may know that I am the Lord.”  That’s the reason.  That’s God’s purpose.  This is about the story that will be told to generations.

Now, God wants to step into your story.  He wants to assure you, “I will be with you,” “I will help you,” “I will show you,” “I will teach you.”  Why?  “So that you may tell your children and grandchildren… and that you may know that I am the Lord.”

The same I who knew the outcome of Moses’ story knows the outcome of yours.  Trust Him, and one day, you will be telling your children an incredible story of God’s amazing faithfulness.

===================================================

Find many more resources & cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility vs. Optimism

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams”

– Henry David Thoreau

This is how every infertility journey starts, isn’t it?  Full of confidence, we set off in the direction of the perfect pregnancy.  It will happen effortlessly.  At most, within a few weeks of trying.  We’ll tell everyone the good news, buy lots of maternity clothes, enjoy baby showers with friends and family, have an easy delivery, and poof… have the perfect baby.  What a plan!

Sort of like the perfect wedding, we’ve unconsciously come to desire — and expect — the perfect path to parenthood.  Unrealistic?  Infertility makes that pretty clear.  Unreasonable?  That’s harder to answer.

Clearly, some women do sail through pregnancy and delivery.  Too often, we see them on the cover of People magazine, smiling blissfully as they enjoy their moment in the spotlight.  It’s hard to look at them without wondering, “Why her and not me?  Why is she blessed and I’m…”  What?  Cursed?

Not so fast.  Maybe this detour is for a purpose.

Consider these words from Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church:  “Optimism is psychological; hope is theological.”  This one sentence from his recent sermon got me thinking….

Optimism is what Thoreau advocates:  choose to be confident, and set out.  It’s the favorite advice of all Type A’s:  Go for it!  You can do it!  But that you-can-do-it confidence is rooted in the belief that you can do it.  Infertility teaches each one of us:  No, you can’t.

But God can.  That’s why hope—real theological hope that is God-centered and God-focused—is more than optimism.  It’s more than believing you can if you just try hard enough.  It’s admitting that you can’t, but trusting that God still can.  It’s acknowledging that your limitations are not His, but your dream of becoming a parent… is.

Ground yourself in this kind of confident hope, and wait expectantly.  Trust that this detour is for a purpose—part of which may be teaching you humble God-reliance.  God will honor your trust in His perfect timing with His very best.

Wait and see.

====================================================

Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility & the Great Physician

(Nov. 30, 2009) BioNews, London – The World Health Organization (WHO), in conjunction with the International Committee for Monitoring Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ICMART), has formally recognized infertility as a disease in its new international glossary of Assistive Reproductive Technologies (ART) terminology.

Why does it matter if experts label infertility “a disease”?  What does that change for those of us who are struggling with it?

A disease connotes diagnose-ability.  Treat-ability.  Even, cure-ability.  What if you fall in the 10-20% of couples whose infertility can’t be explained?  For whom treatment doesn’t work?  For whom there is no apparent cure?  Does calling it a disease just rub salt in the wound?

Too often, infertility settles into a couple’s life and spirits like a cancer — with an unnerving sense of permanence.  The misery brings with it a profound sense of isolation. There may be millions of others battling the same “disease,” but they are nowhere to be found. Rarely do they choose to self-identify; the social stigma is too powerful. So, even as our spirits crave companionship, we feel increasingly apart, chosen for suffering we do not understand.

Separated from everything “normal,” we seem to be drifting further and further away from anything familiar. Where to? And why is God allowing this to happen?

When life is unfolding according to plan, most of us prefer to side-step the broad philosophical question of why people suffer, as if suffering—like a disease—could be contagious. But infertility propels the question to the forefront with desperate urgency.

The question becomes much more personal—“why me?”—and insistent when the suffering is our own.

In the beginning, all thoughts and feelings about infertility spring from the big, central question: “WHY?” With time, and without conceiving, the “why?” multiplies and metastasizes. Its offshoots begin to spring up everywhere. Why us? Why me? Why now? Why not? Why them?

Anxiety feeds the questions. Doubt does, too. Jealousy poisons many thoughts with toxic envy. The “why?” spreads to cover all aspects of the struggle to get pregnant, sinking its roots deep into the spirit: Why does everyone else…? Why haven’t we…? Why did they…? Why, if we…? Why, if they…? Why not us?!

This state of constant emotional turbulence is a disease.  A “dis-ease” that makes it impossible to recover a sense of equilibrium.  And this “dis-ease” seems even harder to treat than infertility itself.  What can possibly cure it but having our heart’s desire?

Nothing.

What doctor will take this case?

Only the great physician.  He alone can diagnose, treat, cure… and bless.  He alone.

==================================================

Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility’s “Astonishing” Effect on Fathers

“Men are spending more time with their kids.  Young dads are  now spending more time each day with children than mothers between the ages of 29 and 42 are.  Which is staggering! Astonishingly, married men are now feeling more torn over balancing work and family than their wives are.  Norms have shifted.  Taking care of a child is now part of what it means to be a father.”                                                                                       – Newsweek, 4/19/10

This breathless report on the “astonishing” and “staggering” news that men are becoming involved fathers is most interesting for what it doesn’t mention.  Concurrent with the rise in involved fatherhood, the U.S. is experiencing a steady rise in infertility.  It’s getting harder to get pregnant.  Not for everyone, but for at least 1-in-every-8 couples of childbearing age (possibly, many more).

At the risk of sounding Pollyanna, if infertility results in fathers with a deeper gratitude for the opportunity to parent, I think it’s a blessing.  Not to pick on the guys; I’d say the same thing about us becoming mothers.  A thankful heart is an appropriate response to receiving a much-desired gift from God.  If He converts our gratitude into motivation to be “astonishingly” committed parents, even better.

I’ve seen this happen repeatedly in the infertility groups I’ve led.

“Does infertility teach you something?” asked Mike, formerly a member of the group and now the father of two boys.  “Yeah.  If it takes this much effort to have a child, you cherish them more.  If it takes longer to get pregnant, you appreciate it more than if you had a baby the first time you tried.”

Brent,  a father for three months, agrees.  “I had a life plan.  But now, I don’t feel the rush on the career side.  It doesn’t bother me.  If it happens, it happens.  I’m not going to force it.  I’m focused on being a father.”

In my experience, infertile couples go on to become incredible parents — whether by conception or adoption.  Not only are they deeply grateful for their child(ren), they are also deeply committed to stewarding them in the best possible way.  I believe that commitment is what God’s after.

Sometimes, the commitment is tested.

James, the father of twin girls, says, “Not having children seemed like the hardest thing.  But then, we had one kid who needed heart surgery and they  thought the other kid might have Down’s Syndrome….”  Difficult as it was — “We only had five minutes to enjoy becoming parents!” — James and his wife faced their new challenges head-on, and they continue to work as full partners raising their incredible girls.

That was our experience, too.  Our daughter required open heart surgery when she was just four-weeks-old.  Our son was born prematurely a week before I was (mis)diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and began chemo.  Of course, we recoiled at the thought of more suffering, hard on the heels of infertility.  But my husband had that “astonishing, staggering” commitment Newsweek talks about — so did I — to our children, and to each other.

Not that we would have wished for it, but the challenges of infertility prepared us — individually, and as a couple — for what would follow.  With faith in each other and trust in God’s purposefulness, we got through it all.

That’s one of the great blessings of the infertility journey:  You and your spouse discover strength, passion and a depth of commitment you never knew you had.  And, as best I can tell, they last a lifetime.  As does the desire to continue to grow in the faith that sustained you.

That may be part of how God’s setting the stage for your future — as a parent, as part of a forged-solid relationship, and as a believer whose faith has been tested, renewed, and proven.  May it be so.

=====================================================

For more resources and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com

Adoption’s Pinwheel of Blessings

For some couples, infertility is simply the product of timing.  Initially, that can feel like a huge disappointment.  But, it can prove to be a great blessing.

Robin and Don met in their early 40’s and married just before Robin turned 45.  Statistically, they had an 87% chance of being infertile.  Robin actually conceived naturally – twice – but both times, she miscarried soon afterwards.  Said Don, “I thought, realistically, that chances of me becoming a father were slim.  I remember telling some friends one time that that would be my biggest disappointment in life….”

“ It was hard to think that we had passed the point of being able to have our own genetic children,” Robin agreed.  They talked to fertility specialists, but somehow weren’t at peace with IVF.  So, they began to consider adoption.  Here’s how Don described their decision process:

“I’m one who believes you’ve got to exert immense patience to understand – and wait for – what God’s doing in your life.  If you jump to a conclusion, you may miss the message.  At the time, I wondered:  We haven’t been able to get pregnant — is there a message there?  I was listening and thinking:  Is God saying, ‘You shouldn’t be parents?’ or ‘Take another approach’?  I knew God had messages for us, but we had to be listening.”

Psalm 37 teaches, “Delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desires.  Commit everything you do to the Lord.  Trust Him, and He will help you.”  Don and Robin did that:

1) They entered the adoption process focused intently on God’s love, His purposefulness, and His deep desire to bless them, 2) They sought His guidance and trusted Him to direct their steps, and 3) They chose to believe that He had a plan worth waiting for – one that would be better than anything they could accomplish without Him.

What happened?  Did God help them?  “We were told to expect a 12-18 month wait,” Robin said.  So, they trusted and waited.  Ten days later, they got a phone call.

“Our social worker said, ‘Are you ready to be blown away?’ There is a mom who has 5-month-old twins.  She has been wanting to make an adoption plan since she was pregnant, but she’s had a lot of false starts and nothing’s come through.  She’s ready to go through with it.  She chose you.’”

“I look back on it now,” said Don, “and here’s the miracle: if we’d been ready 6 months earlier, this mom wouldn’t have been ready.  If we had been ready 6 months later, we might have missed adopting our boys.  God has a way of moving things around so that it’s a win-win for everybody.  This mom needed relief, these boys needed a home – they needed our home, Robin and I wanted children… and God worked it all out perfectly.”

Is their story an extraordinary rarity?  I don’t think so.  After spending five years struggling with infertility, Owen and Kelly had a similar experience.  They felt led by God to move onto a path toward adoption and they, too, are now the joyful parents of twins.

Want another example?  How about Bill Haslet, who emailed me yesterday about adopting his twins more than 30 years ago.  He wrote, “We received a call on a Friday evening and picked them up on the following Tuesday. Talk about instant family!! Today, they are 33 years old, both married, both fathers, and two of the finest young Christian men I know.  Our lives don’t always turn out the way WE might plan them, but God’s plan and his blessings are more than we can even comprehend!!”

Sometimes, infertility is the first step on the path designed to lead us toward  adoption.  Rather than a curse, it serves as the signpost that says, “Adoption’s pinwheel of blessings:  this way.”

Don’t be afraid to follow the signs.

=================================================

For more resources and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility and (Finally!) Good News

I met Brent & Cathi the first time they came to the infertility Bible study group.   At that point, Cathi was so exhausted by the emotional toll of infertility, it took enormous effort to hold herself together.   Tears were very close to the surface.  Several times they spilled over and poured down her cheeks.  Brent was doing his best to be stoic-yet-supportive.  It was clear they were struggling mightily.

A year later, when I interviewed the two of them for Pregnant with Hope, they spoke candidly about the challenge of being surrounded by countless fertile friends, all of whom seemed to conceive effortlessly.  They acknowledged having wrestled many times with feelings of anger, resentment, jealousy, self-pity, confusion, heartache and more as they struggled.  They also spoke of the deep desire to join the ranks of the “alumni” (couples who’d completed the infertility course and gone on to become parents), and the fear that made that seem impossible whenever bad news overwhelmed them.

So, it was with great joy that I read the article, “Couple Realize Dream of Being Parents” in the newspaper a few days ago.  Take a minute to enjoy the story, and then remind yourself that the Bible says, “No one who trusts God like this — heart and soul — will ever regret it.  It’s exactly the same no matter what a person’s religious background may be:  the same God for all of us, acting in the same incredibly generous way to everyone who calls out for help.  Everyone who calls, ‘Help, God!’ gets help” [Romans 10:12, the Message].

Here’s the story as it appeared 3/28/10….

“When it came to having children, Cathi Hilpert never thought she’d have a problem.  The freelance writer married her husband, Brent, in 2000 and wasn’t in any hurry to start a family.  ‘We were married for some time before we started trying,’ she said.  ‘I always thought I’d pop one out right away, so we took our time.’  But, it wasn’t long before Hilpert realized that having a baby was not going to be as easy as she’d assumed.  After consulting doctors and specialists, she began a rigorous treatment that included test, drugs and needles.  ‘It was pretty intense,’ she recalled.

She and her husband soon found that being infertile absorbed their private lives and spilled into their social circle.  It became increasingly difficult to be around children or to discuss their feelings with friends.  ‘When you’re going through it, you often don’t have friends who understand,’ she said.  ‘It was even hard to go to church — a very hard place to be infertile.  You’re surrounded by children, and there’s a lot of talk about children being blessings.  You start to wonder, ‘Have I done something wrong that I’m not blessed?’

After a year of dealing with the anguish on their own, the couple discovered a class led by author Susan Radulovacki and based on her book, Pregnant with Hope.  In the fall of 2008, Hilpert and her husband began attending regular sessions for infertile couples.  ‘We really wanted to meet other people going through it,’ Hilpert said.  ‘This class was a safe place to share our feelings.  That’s probably the biggest challenge of infertility:  as much as friends and family empathize, it’s really difficult for them to understand.’

Brent Hilpert, a 34-year-old chemistry teacher, described the couple’s two-year struggle as ‘isolating.’  He said, ‘My wife and I looked for any resource we could find and there was very little out there.  The class was especially  helpful because it gave me a place to talk about all of these issues with other men.’

Last November, after nine months of an uncomplicated pregnancy resulting from IVF, Cathi Hilpert, 32, fulfilled her dream of becoming a mother when her daughter Molly was born.  But, she and her husband still attend the class to share their story with other couples.  ‘There are so many people who go through hell to build a family,’ she said.  ‘We want to be supportive of others as they go through the process.’

Hilpert said she knows ‘the whole experience made us different parents than if we hadn’t gone through the infertility journey.  I have a little more patience than I may have had.  I love being a mom and can’t imagine my life any other way than with kids.'”

The same faithful God who brought Brent and Cathi to the moment they longed for, and placed Molly safely in their arms, has a plan that will lead your life to intersect with the life of a particular child who needs you.  That is why He placed the seed of hope in your heart.  That is why He has nurtured and protected it, even as you have suffered through loss after grief after heartache.  He will execute His plan perfectly (if you do not willfully alter its course), as soon as all the pieces are in place.

Until then, trust Him… and visualize that reporter calling you to say, “So, how did your story begin?”

==========================================================================

For more resources and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility: Hurry Up and Wait

Years ago, on a vacation to New Mexico, my husband and I decided to take a short hike in the Sandia Mountains.  We were told that the popular trail was well-marked, and so we set off feeling confident.  Several hours later, as the sun began to set, we realized we’d made a serious mistake.  We’d lost sight of the trail, but kept going — certain we could find it again.  Instead, we were now miles from the trailhead with no food or water.

No one knew where we were.  It was getting cold, and we were getting scared.  So, we began to walk faster.  Soon, we were almost running through the darkening woods.  I suggested, half-seriously, that we could spell out a rescue message with rocks.  My husband pointed out that no one was looking for us, so we’d be wasting precious daylight.  We were struggling mightily  to control a rising tide of panic.

Not a bad metaphor for the infertility journey.

We set out on what we believe will be a short, safe and enjoyable journey to parenthood.  We’re with the one we love, and we trust this is going to be simple, so enthusiasm is high.  We’re going to have a baby!  But then, we discover we’re off the beaten path.  The route everyone else finds so easy to follow has somehow taken us somewhere else entirely.  How did we get so lost?  We realize we’re ill-equipped for what we’re suddenly facing.  What do we do now?  Can anyone help us?  No one knows exactly where we are – us included.  So, how do we find our way out of here?  The instinctive response to all this uncertainty is a rising tide of panic.  And with panic, comes irrational acceleration.

Peter Block, in his book The Answer to How is Yes, writes that “We treat urgency like a performance-enhancing drug, as if speed will hasten change….”  We want to change our circumstances, escape suffering and reach our desired destination, so we accelerate, thinking, “Go faster – it’ll be over sooner!”  That impulse led my husband and me to make some reckless choices as we tried to race through infertility.  We were rushing, half-blind, through darkness – so intent on escaping the wilderness of infertility, we hardly stopped to think.

“Wait,” the Bible says.  “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord” [Psalm 27:14].  That’s the answer… the solution… the way through this wilderness to the desired destination.  We need to realize, the voice saying “Hurry, hurry!” is not God’s.  And if it’s the only voice we hear, we’re definitely lost.  But, we are not lost to God.

We are never alone or abandoned in the wilderness of infertility.  We are constantly under the loving protection and guidance of the Trinity – Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  Jesus counsels us, “Do not let your hearts be troubled” [John 14:1].  This is the greatest challenge, and the great invitation, of the wilderness journey.

God already knows the precise day and moment when the journey will end.  He knows what will happen, and why this experience will have been a blessing-in-disguise.  The outcome is assured.  Seen from this perspective, we realize the journey is an opportunity for Him to mold us – making  us more like the people He longs for us to be by the time we reach our destination:  trusting, grateful, God-reliant people.

Can we trust Him?  Can we be still and wait with confident hope – focused not on the depth of our fear, but the goodness of our God?  The first step to saying “yes” is slowing down and waiting.  Only then can we hear the voice that whispers, “…This is the way; walk in it” [Isaiah 30:21]

=======================================================

For more resources and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com