Fertile Narcissism

“The faster someone achieves success, the more narcissistic they’ll tend to be.  Slow & steady builds character over the years.”   – Rick Warren

Although I doubt he was tweeting about infertility, I’m convinced Rick Warren’s absolutely right.

We live in a culture that celebrates instant gratification and effortless success.  The gossip media constantly barrage us with breathless coverage of celebrity pregnancies and baby arrivals.  “Look!  Blissful parents!  Gorgeous babies!  Happily-ever-after!”  For couples struggling to conceive, this cultural obsession only makes the burden of infertility harder to bear.

What if it’s not as wonderful as it all looks?  Could there actually be a downside to effortless conception?  And conversely, could the infertility journey be a blessing-in-disguise?  Warren’s tweet certainly suggests the possibility, as do many verses of scripture.

Think about it for a minute…

We’ve all crossed paths with narcissistic pregnant women.  Rather than being thankful for an incredible gift, they seem to take pleasure in complaining about their uncontrollable fertility, or the inconvenience of being pregnant.  Their words and actions reveal a self-absorption that is disturbing, and it does not bode well for the children they’re expecting.

In a Discovery Health documentary, one woman sobbed when her ultrasound revealed she had not conceived a girl.  A healthy 18-week pregnancy was not enough to satisfy her.  Already the mother of four boys, she said she would “always, always be sad” that she was having another.  Apparently, this woman wasn’t as eager to steward a child as she was desperate to fulfill a vision of herself.

She did not consider how wonderful this boy could turn out to be — or how awful a particular girl could have been — because it wasn’t about the child.  It was about her desire to fulfill her plan for her life.

In another story from the same documentary, a fertile mother (also with four boys) elected to use IVF with PGD — three times — in her quest for a girl.  Her first two IVFs yielded only boys, so she had those embryos discarded. Her third IVF yielded one girl and five boys.  The girl was transferred; the remaining embryos were destroyed.

Once again, no thought was given to what had intentionally been created (this time, through IVF).  The unwanted embryos weren’t donated to infertile couples, or even to research.  They were treated like trash — because it wasn’t about anyone else, only about a woman fulfilling her dream of her family on her terms.

That is narcissistic fertility, and it is nothing like what God intends for us as parents.

He wants us to be people of character and of faith who commit ourselves wholeheartedly to stewarding the souls He entrusts to us.  That’s what I see over and over again in infertile couples who become parents — whether by conception or adoption.  They have learned the hard way that instant gratification is not part of God’s character-building formula.  In fact, just the opposite.

The infertility journey has been a sort of spiritual obstacle course for them.  They have become stronger and more mature as they have navigated their way along it.  They’ve learned how to work together to confront problems, deal with difficult emotions, and struggle through heartaches.

As the Bible says, “… we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”  This is the blessing-in-disguise of infertility.  Although we would never wish for suffering, when we put God at the center of our experience (rather than our selves), the hardship of infertility sets off a chain reaction that builds character and produces hope that outlasts any circumstance we will ever face — as infertile couples, or as parents.

Narcissistic fertility sees pregnancy as a means of  self-gratification.  God wants so much more for you — and by extension, for the children He intends to entrust to you.   There’s a purpose to His plan.  Persevere, trust Him, and you’ll see.

======================================================

Don’t want to miss a single post?  Please subscribe — and for more inspiration, visit PregnantWithHope.com.

What’s the Worst Thing?

What’s the worst thing about infertility?  That’s a great conversation starter in a room full of infertile couples.

For many women – and men – it is often the realization that our self-images are tied up in the notion that we can achieve what we want to, when we want to.  It’s worked in the workplace.  Now, we want to switch gears and apply the same success formula to starting a family:  Effort + Intent = Results.

When we can’t succeed on our terms and our timetable, we wonder:  Why not?  What am I doing wrong?  We start to feel anxiety and resentment about the lack of control we have over this situation.  We want something desperately – we’re clear on the goal – but we can’t seem to get there.  It’s stress-inducing.  And crazy-making!

There’s another piece to this, too.

We’re not just successful people who are ready to succeed at baby-making and parenthood.  We’re also part of a culture that celebrates instant gratification and effortless success.  Without even realizing it, we’ve bought into an attitude of entitlement:  If I want it, I should have it.  Like everyone around us, we believe we should be able to chart our own course… set our own timetable… control our own little world….

So, where does God fit into that?

That’s a great conversation stopper in a room full of infertile couples.

If we think we’re planning it all and doing it all, then what’s God doing?  Watching us?  Thwarting us?  Focusing on people He cares about more than He does us?  Is He waiting for something?  For us to apologize, or redeem ourselves, or give Him an assignment?  What’s His role in all this – or does He even have one?

Struggling to answer these question leads couples to the realization that infertility brings us face-to-face with unconscious expectations.  What is it that we expect of God when we want something desperately?  How do we think our relationship with Him works – or should work?  And how might our expectations be affecting the trajectory of our journey?

I’m convinced one of the purposes of a season of infertility is to focus our attention on these important questions, and to find answers – from deep in our hearts, from scripture, and from God Himself.

If you’re tired of spinning your wheels and trying to force a solution to your infertility problem, maybe you should take time to step back and consider these difficult questions.  The answers may give you some very good clues about the best Next Steps to take on this journey.

=====================================================

For more insight into the infertility journey — and cause for real hope — read Pregnant With Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples.

Sisters, Infertility & Baby Wars

What is it about sisterhood that can make infertility so much harder to bear?  According to author and therapist Vikki Stark, M.S.W., sister relationships are naturally fraught with competition and conflict.  Regardless of which sister initiated the rivalry – or when, or why – it becomes extremely difficult to set aside feelings of envy and resentment when one conceives, and the other can’t.

“Research has shown that 10 percent of women have high-conflict relationships with a sister,” Stark reports, “and a much larger percentage have mixed feelings.”  Infertility feeds that friction, and it’s not a new problem.  As far back as Genesis, the Bible records the effect of one sister’s fertility on the other (infertile) sister’s mindset.

Jacob married Leah and her sister Rachel.  The marriage to Leah was forced and unwanted.  The marriage to Rachel – just one week later – was much-desired and long-awaited.  This unequal status set the stage for the rivalry.  “When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb….” and the baby wars began.

The names Leah chose for her first three sons revealed her inner turmoil.  They meant:  “The Lord has seen my misery,” “The Lord heard I am not loved,” and “My husband will become attached because I have borne him three sons.”  Every time her husband spoke his boys’ names, he was reminded of his wife’s unhappiness, and her longing for his affection.  So was her jealous sister.

She couldn’t stand watching Leah deliver baby after baby.  “Give me children or I’ll die!” she yelled at Jacob – and then she demanded, “Sleep with my servant.  She can bear children for me, and through her I, too, can build a family.”  No mention of Jacob, or thoughts of We.  It was now baby wars by proxy, and Me, Me, Me.

The servant’s first baby arrived and Rachel named him “Vindication.”  Then, a second son was born and Rachel saddled him with the name, “I have had a great struggle with my sister, and I have won!”  Once again, Jacob couldn’t miss the sisters’ feelings – about themselves, each other, or their ongoing competition.

Not to be outdone, Leah sent her servant as a surrogate to Jacob.  Two boys were born.  Rachel responded by offering Leah an extra night with Jacob in exchange for a fertility-enhancing herb.  Leah agreed… and promptly bore a son, and then another.

The Bible says, “Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb.”  She finally had a son.  “God has taken away my disgrace” she named him, and as quickly as they began, the baby wars were over.

Here’s what I see in all that craziness.  Self.  Self.  Self.  It’s all about me, and how I feel, and what I want, and what she has, and what I don’t.  Neither wife was nurturing her marriage; they were too busy competing.  Neither wife was nurturing her children; they were too busy trying to have more any way they could.  And, neither wife was seeking God’s will; they were just seeking God’s ‘yes’ so they could beat each other.

Why share that story?  Because quite a few of you have confided in me about your own sisters:  “Both my sisters were pregnant at my baby’s funeral,” “My sister was going to be our surrogate, but then she got pregnant with her own baby,” “My sister and I had the same due date, but then I miscarried and she carried to term,” “My sister had the first grandchild the same week I lost my baby,” “My sister announced her baby news at my anniversary party,” “My sister asked — in front of all our extended family — if we were ever going to have a baby.”

And on, and on, and on….

Infertility is already so painful.  It seems almost unbearable to have the suffering compounded by someone who should be loving you through it.  Maybe she wants to, but she doesn’t know how.  Maybe she couldn’t even if she tried her best.  Whatever the story, let Rachel and Leah’s baby wars be a cautionary tale.  Competing with your sister will waste your life time.

So, don’t spend this time focused on her.  Instead, focus on this:  God has a plan and a purpose for your journey, and a child He intends to entrust to you.  Invest this time in being a woman worthy of such an incredible stewardship responsibility.  That is the path to peace.

Infertile Sisters and Baby Wars

What is it about sisterhood that can make infertility so much harder to bear?  According to author and therapist Vikki Stark, M.S.W., sister relationships are naturally fraught with competition and conflict.  Regardless of which sister initiated the rivalry – or when, or why – it becomes extremely difficult to set aside feelings of envy and resentment when one conceives, and the other can’t.

“Research has shown that 10 percent of women have high-conflict relationships with a sister,” Stark reports, “and a much larger percentage have mixed feelings.”  Infertility feeds that friction, and it’s not a new problem.  As far back as Genesis, the Bible records the effect of one sister’s fertility on the other (infertile) sister’s mindset.

Jacob married Leah and her sister Rachel.  The marriage to Leah was forced and unwanted.  The marriage to Rachel – just one week later – was much-desired and long-awaited.  This unequal status set the stage for the rivalry.  “When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb….” and the baby wars began.

The names Leah chose for her first three sons revealed her inner turmoil.  They meant:  “The Lord has seen my misery,” “The Lord heard I am not loved,” and “My husband will become attached because I have borne him three sons.”  Every time her husband spoke his boys’ names, he was reminded of his wife’s unhappiness, and her longing for his affection.  So was her jealous sister.

She couldn’t stand watching Leah deliver baby after baby.  “Give me children or I’ll die!” she yelled at Jacob – and then she demanded, “Sleep with my servant.  She can bear children for me, and through her I, too, can build a family.”  No mention of Jacob, or thoughts of We.  It was now baby wars by proxy, and Me, Me, Me.

The servant’s first baby arrived and Rachel named him “Vindication.”  Then, a second son was born and Rachel saddled him with the name, “I have had a great struggle with my sister, and I have won!”  Once again, Jacob couldn’t miss the sisters’ feelings – about themselves, each other, or their ongoing competition.

Not to be outdone, Leah sent her servant as a surrogate to Jacob.  Two boys were born.  Rachel responded by offering Leah an extra night with Jacob in exchange for a fertility-enhancing herb.  Leah agreed… and promptly bore a son, and then another.

The Bible says, “Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb.”  She finally had a son.  “God has taken away my disgrace” she named him, and as quickly as they began, the baby wars were over.

Here’s what I see in all that craziness.  Self.  Self.  Self.  It’s all about me, and how I feel, and what I want, and what she has, and what I don’t.  Neither wife was nurturing her marriage; they were too busy competing.  Neither wife was nurturing her children; they were too busy trying to have more any way they could.  And, neither wife was seeking God’s will; they were just seeking God’s ‘yes’ so they could beat each other.

Why share that story?  Because quite a few of you have confided in me about your own sisters:  “Both my sisters were pregnant at my baby’s funeral,” “My sister was going to be our surrogate, but then she got pregnant with her own baby,” “My sister and I had the same due date, but then I miscarried and she carried to term,” “My sister had the first grandchild the same week I lost my baby,” “My sister announced her baby news at my anniversary party,” “My sister asked — in front of all our extended family — if we were ever going to have a baby.”

And on, and on, and on….

Infertility is already so painful.  It seems almost unbearable to have the suffering compounded by someone who should be loving you through it.  Maybe she wants to, but she doesn’t know how.  Maybe she couldn’t even if she tried her best.  Whatever the story, let Rachel and Leah’s baby wars be a cautionary tale.  Competing with your sister will waste your life time.

So, don’t spend this time focused on her.  Instead, focus on this:  God has a plan and a purpose for your journey, and a child He intends to entrust to you.  Invest this time in being a woman worthy of such an incredible stewardship responsibility.  That is the path to peace.

Narcissistic Fertility

“The faster someone achieves success, the more narcissistic they’ll tend to be.  Slow & steady builds character over the years.”   – Rick Warren

Although I doubt he was tweeting about infertility, I’m convinced Rick Warren’s absolutely right.

We live in a culture that celebrates instant gratification and effortless success.  The gossip media constantly barrage us with breathless coverage of celebrity pregnancies and baby arrivals.  “Look!  Blissful parents!  Gorgeous babies!  Happily-ever-after!”  For couples struggling to conceive, this cultural obsession only makes the burden of infertility harder to bear.

What if it’s not as wonderful as it all looks?  Could there actually be a downside to effortless conception?  And conversely, could the infertility journey be a blessing-in-disguise?  Warren’s tweet certainly suggests the possibility, as do many verses of scripture.

Think about it for a minute…

We’ve all crossed paths with narcissistic pregnant women.  Rather than being thankful for an incredible gift, they seem to take pleasure in complaining about their uncontrollable fertility, or the inconvenience of being pregnant.  Their words and actions reveal a self-absorption that is disturbing, and it does not bode well for the children they’re expecting.

In a recent Discovery Health documentary, one woman sobbed when her ultrasound revealed she had not conceived a girl.  A healthy 18-week pregnancy was not enough to satisfy her.  Already the mother of four boys, she said she would “always, always be sad” that she was having another.  Apparently, this woman wasn’t as eager to steward a child as she was desperate to fulfill a vision of herself.

She did not consider how wonderful this boy could turn out to be — or how awful a particular girl could have been — because it wasn’t about the child.  It was about her desire to fulfill her plan for her life.

In another story from the same documentary, a fertile mother (also with four boys) elected to use IVF with PGD — three times — in her quest for a girl.  Her first two IVFs yielded only boys, so she had those embryos discarded. Her third IVF yielded one girl and five boys.  The girl was transferred; the remaining embryos were destroyed.

Once again, no thought was given to what had intentionally been created (this time, through IVF).  The unwanted embryos weren’t donated to infertile couples, or even to research.  They were treated like trash — because it wasn’t about anyone else, only about a woman fulfilling her dream of her family on her terms.

That is narcissistic fertility, and it is nothing like what God intends for us as parents.

He wants us to be people of character and of faith who commit ourselves wholeheartedly to stewarding the souls He entrusts to us.  That’s what I see over and over again in infertile couples who become parents — whether by conception or adoption.  They have learned the hard way that instant gratification is not part of God’s character-building formula.  In fact, just the opposite.

The infertility journey has been a sort of spiritual obstacle course for them.  They have become stronger and more mature as they have navigated their way along it.  They’ve learned how to work together to confront problems, deal with difficult emotions, and struggle through heartaches.

As the Bible says, “… we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”  This is the blessing-in-disguise of infertility.  Although we would never wish for suffering, when we put God at the center of our experience (rather than our selves), the hardship of infertility sets off a chain reaction that builds character and produces hope that outlasts any circumstance we will ever face — as infertile couples, or as parents.

Narcissistic fertility sees pregnancy as a means of  self-gratification.  God wants so much more for you — and by extension, for the children He intends to entrust to you.   There’s a purpose to His plan.  Persevere, trust Him, and you’ll see.

======================================================

Don’t want to miss a single post?  Please subscribe — and for more inspiration, visit PregnantWithHope.com.

The Worst Thing About Infertility

What’s the worst thing about infertility?  That’s a great conversation starter in a room full of infertile couples.

For many women – and men – it is often the realization that our self-images are tied up in the notion that we can achieve what we want to, when we want to.  It’s worked in the workplace.  Now, we want to switch gears and apply the same success formula to starting a family:  Effort + Intent = Results.

When we can’t succeed on our terms and our timetable, we wonder:  Why not?  What am I doing wrong?  We start to feel anxiety and resentment about the lack of control we have over this situation.  We want something desperately – we’re clear on the goal – but we can’t seem to get there.  It’s stress-inducing.  And crazy-making!

There’s another piece to this, too.

We’re not just successful people who are ready to succeed at baby-making and parenthood.  We’re also part of a culture that celebrates instant gratification and effortless success.  Without even realizing it, we’ve bought into an attitude of entitlement:  If I want it, I should have it.  Like everyone around us, we believe we should be able to chart our own course… set our own timetable… control our own little world….

So, where does God fit into that?

That’s a great conversation stopper in a room full of infertile couples.

If we think we’re planning it all and doing it all, then what’s God doing?  Watching us?  Thwarting us?  Focusing on people He cares about more than He does us?  Is He waiting for something?  For us to apologize, or redeem ourselves, or give Him an assignment?  What’s His role in all this – or does He even have one?

Struggling to answer these question leads couples to the realization that infertility brings us face-to-face with unconscious expectations.  What is it that we expect of God when we want something desperately?  How do we think our relationship with Him works – or should work?  And how might our expectations be affecting the trajectory of our journey?

I’m convinced one of the purposes of a season of infertility is to focus our attention on these important questions, and to find answers – from deep in our hearts, from scripture, and from God Himself.

If you’re tired of spinning your wheels and trying to force a solution to your infertility problem, maybe you should take time to step back and consider these difficult questions.  The answers may give you some very good clues about the best Next Steps to take on this journey.

=====================================================

For more insight into the infertility journey — and cause for real hope — read Pregnant With Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples.