Barren and Blessed

These words leaped off the page at me when I read them the other day:

“Praise the Lord.  He settles the barren woman in her home as the happy mother of children” [Psalm 113:9].

How often do you hear those words spoken from a pulpit?  Never.  Read to you as part of a scripture reading?  Never.  But what an incredible message this is for infertile women!  Read it again:

“Praise the Lord.  He settles the barren woman in her home as the happy mother of children” [Psalm 113:9].

First, think about what it doesn’t say.  It doesn’t say God condemns the woman and punishes her by making her barren.  It doesn’t say, aware of her infertility, God ignores her pleas for a child; He does not care about her heartache or suffering.

It doesn’t say He intends for the woman to accept her childlessness as permanent because that is the future He has planned for her.  And, it doesn’t say, He may occasionally bless a barren woman, but He’d never do it for you.

It doesn’t say any of that.

What it does say is “He settles the barren woman….”  Not just sometimes; this is what God consistently does.  He “settles” her.  He is not a dispassionate observer of an infertile woman’s struggle, or an unresponsive witness to her deep longing.  He is present and active in her story.

In the natural, she may believe she is the one battling to stay settled in the midst of uncertainty.  Will she ever be a mother?!  But in the spiritual realm, it is God who is actively working to bring her what will settle her:  comfort, peace, hope and a future.

“He settles the barren woman in her home….”  Picture a bird making a nest, preparing to lay the eggs that will hatch at the perfect time.  God is settling the barren woman – nesting her – preparing her for the future she deeply desires.  He intends to realize her dream, and to do so  in what will be her child’s most nurturing environment:  the home.

“… as the happy mother of children.”  I love every word here!  God transforms the barren woman into a happy mother (we all know how unhappy she was when she believed children were not in her future).  Lifelong childlessness was not her dream – nor was it God’s.  His vision is for her to be a mother, and a happy one.  And not of “a child,” but “of children.”

Notice that the verse does not specify that the infertile woman will become a mother by conception.  Does that matter?  Yes, I believe it does.  God’s plan is not for every future mother to conceive.

God’s desire is that some families will be created through adoption.  Others may be created with the consenting involvement of a third party:  a surrogate, an egg donor, a sperm donor… or all three.  Some may be formed through fostering, caring for an extended family member, or a child neglected by its birth parents.

But notice:  these details, though important, will not devalue the fulfillment of the dream.  At the end of this journey, they will not reduce  the woman’s happiness, nor will they make these children any less truly hers.  In fact, these children will be uniquely and unquestionably the loves of her life — brought into it according to God’s perfect plan.

No matter how stymied we may be by our bodies’ apparent inability to conceive, God is never limited in His ability to give birth to His best for us — or for the children He intends to bring into our lives.  Never! This powerful realization is one of the greatest blessings of infertility. 

I agree with the psalmist:  Praise the Lord.

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For more inspiration and cause for hope, read Pregnant With Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples and visit PregnantWithHope.com

Lessons from an Ultramarathon

My husband ran a 50-mile ultramarathon two weeks ago. It was the second time he’d raced this distance – but one thing about this race was an eye-opening first.

In his previous ultra, the course had wound through a large city – past neighborhoods, through parks, up and down city streets, into a business district… There’d been an endless array of visual diversions and the question, ‘I wonder what’s around the next turn?’ to keep things interesting. But this race was different. It was 50 laps around a 1-mile loop.

So, he went around… and around… and around… and around…. As I watched him, encouraged him, and did my best to support him while he ran (and ran and ran), I thought about the parallels to the infertility “ultramarathon.” You might be interested in some of what God showed me:

At the start, everyone’s optimistic. Before the race to parenthood begins, everyone’s expecting success. No one anticipates failure, heartache, or tragedy. But, that doesn’t mean problems won’t arise. If/when they do, remember:  Unexpected challenges don’t determine the race outcome – only the runner’s response to them does.

Those who start fast don’t always finish well. When you see others breeze past you with apparent effortlessness, it’s easy to get psyched out. Don’t.  Everyone looks strong initially, but fastest isn’t necessarily best. Speed doesn’t guarantee successful-ever-after. Success in an ultra means focusing on the quality of the race, not just the outcome.

Don’t set your pace to beat others; run your own race. An ultra- marathon is too far to go at someone else’s speed. In the same way, years of infertility treatments are too challenging to undergo on someone else’s terms. Take your eyes off the world (and all the people you think are watching you) and focus on running your own race at a pace you can handle.

This is virtually guaranteed to be harder than you think. That doesn’t mean you can’t do it. Expect challenges and they won’t seem so intimidating. Cling to the verse, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” and trust that when your strength fails, God’s won’t.

What you think about matters, so choose wisely. During a race, your thoughts send signals to your body that affect your strength & energy. Your body, in turn, sends signals back which affect your outlook and determination. Fill your mind with thoughts that will help you get where you want to go – hopeful, confident, positive, God-trusting thoughts.

Rest when you’re tired and “fill the well.” The smartest runners listen to their bodies. They understand the need to take breaks periodically, and to fuel their efforts with the right kind of sustenance. So, don’t push beyond your limits when rest will do you good. And don’t fill your Self with junk (thoughts, behaviors, choices) that won’t fuel your efforts. Take the long view, pace yourself, and be a good steward of your mind and body.

Get help when you need it. Whether you need advice, encouragement, sustenance, or cause for hope, ask for what you need. There are people constellated around you for the sole purpose of helping you succeed. If they can’t provide what you need, take your requests to the One who always can.

Pray God’s words back to Him. This race is long and it can be lonely, but you are never alone. If you’re tired of struggling, pray for help. If you’re too tired, angry or stressed to pray, ask the Holy Spirit to pray for you. Claim God’s promises and remember that, because He is faithful, He must fulfill His word. He cannot do otherwise. Ask Him to confirm His presence and His determination to see His will done. Then, thank Him and press on.

Don’t let endless repetition dishearten and defeat you. As you run through cycle after cycle after cycle, trying treatment after treatment, remind yourself that you are making progress. It may look as if you’re wandering in circles, but God always has a purpose. Sometimes, forward progress just looks like a circle. Don’t let appearances deceive you. Trust God’s perspective on your progress.

Wherever you are in your race, know that the finish line is waiting. If God placed this dream in your heart, He will see you through. He will equip you. He will strengthen you. He will go with you. He always does. However long it takes, trust that He will help you get there. With God, all things are possible.

Press on.

Finish strong.

And give Him the glory.

A Friend Who Understands Infertility

I saw a tweet yesterday that read, “infertile couples need infertile friends.”  At first, I thought, ‘I couldn’t agree more.’  Not because misery loves company; that concept has never made sense to me.  When I’m miserable, I want to feel better, not worse; other people’s suffering does nothing to fill me with joy.

I agreed because, when I’m struggling, I want to be reminded that someone understands.  As it turns out, I’m not alone.

According to blog stats provided by wordpress.com, people struggling, grieving, and agonizing over infertility typed in these search terms recently and were led straight to this blog:

• What God wants to say to infertile couples
• Sow in tears, reap in joy
• Prayer for infertile couple
• Can you trust God?
• Words of encouragement fertility
• Jesus gives children
• Unbearable infertility
• In the midst of despair and confusion
• Infertility quotes for couples
• A future with hope in God
• Is egg donation what God wants?
• Comforting words for an infertile wife
• Bible verse for strength with infertility
• God’s promises fertility
• Infertility hope quotes
• Number of infertile couples that did get pregnant
• You got to trust that God
• Website for infertile couples
• Infertility loss of hope
• Infertility insanity
• Faith of Gideon ivf
• Contextual Bible study for infertility
• Ministries to help women getting pregnant
• Fertility fundraising
• Hope during infertility

The exciting news is that their searches didn’t find miserable company. Instead, they found the spiritual sustenance and confident hope they were truly craving.  Just as the Bible promises, “seek and you will find.”  That’s because God wants to be found by us.  He wants to accompany us on this difficult journey.

Scripture teaches, “Draw near to Him, and He will draw near to you.” I believe one way God draws near to couples during the infertility journey is through this blog.  I say that not out of hubris, but as an obedient servant who has delighted in watching God accomplish amazing things.

He has called me to listen carefully, transcribe faithfully, commit time and effort consistently,  and deliver every message confidently.  I’ve done my best; He’s done the rest.  Truthfully, I know I could never inspire people the way this blog does – but it’s an incredible joy to have a front row seat and see God at work.

If you are struggling through infertility, trust that God has a valuable purpose for this journey; none of it will be wasted. Know, too, that your choice of friends during this time can make a world of difference in your perspective, and that can dramatically alter your trajectory and the outcome of this journey.

Let Pregnant With Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples help you gain insight into God’s promises, and encouragement “for the road.”  Along with this blog, it can help you (re)discover God’s desire to transform your heartbreaking quest into life-changing good news.  Isn’t that the kind of understanding you’re really looking for?

 

Thank God for These Words

These words leaped off the page at me when I read them the other day:

“Praise the Lord.  He settles the barren woman in her home as the happy mother of children” [Psalm 113:9].

How often do you hear those words spoken from a pulpit?  Never.  Read to you as part of a scripture reading?  Never.  But what an incredible message this is for infertile women!  Read it again:

“Praise the Lord.  He settles the barren woman in her home as the happy mother of children” [Psalm 113:9].

First, think about what it doesn’t say.  It doesn’t say God condemns the woman and punishes her by making her barren.  It doesn’t say, aware of her infertility, God ignores her pleas for a child; He does not care about her heartache or suffering.

It doesn’t say He intends for the woman to accept her childlessness as permanent because that is the future He has planned for her.  And, it doesn’t say, He may occasionally bless a barren woman, but He’d never do it for you.

It doesn’t say any of that.

What it does say is “He settles the barren woman….”  Not just sometimes; this is what God consistently does.  He “settles” her.  He is not a dispassionate observer of an infertile woman’s struggle, or an unresponsive witness to her deep longing.  He is present and active in her story.

In the natural, she may believe she is the one battling to stay settled in the midst of uncertainty.  Will she ever be a mother?!  But in the spiritual realm, it is God who is actively working to bring her what will settle her:  comfort, peace, hope and a future.

“He settles the barren woman in her home….”  Picture a bird making a nest, preparing to lay the eggs that will hatch at the perfect time.  God is settling the barren woman – nesting her – preparing her for the future she deeply desires.  He intends to realize her dream, and to do so  in what will be her child’s most nurturing environment:  the home.

“… as the happy mother of children.”  I love every word here!  God transforms the barren woman into a happy mother (we all know how unhappy she was when she believed children were not in her future).  Lifelong childlessness was not her dream – nor was it God’s.  His vision is for her to be a mother, and a happy one.  And not of “a child,” but “of children.”

Notice that the verse does not specify that the infertile woman will become a mother by conception.  Does that matter?  Yes, I believe it does.  God’s plan is not for every future mother to conceive.

God’s desire is that some families will be created through adoption.  Others may be created with the consenting involvement of a third party:  a surrogate, an egg donor, a sperm donor… or all three.  Some may be formed through fostering, caring for an extended family member, or a child neglected by its birth parents.

But notice:  these details, though important, will not devalue the fulfillment of the dream.  At the end of this journey, they will not reduce  the woman’s happiness, nor will they make these children any less truly hers.  In fact, these children will be uniquely and unquestionably the loves of her life — brought into it according to God’s perfect plan.

No matter how stymied we may be by our bodies’ apparent inability to conceive, God is never limited in His ability to give birth to His best for us — or for the children He intends to bring into our lives.  Never! This powerful realization is one of the greatest blessings of infertility. 

I agree with the psalmist:  Praise the Lord.

=====================================================

For more inspiration and cause for hope, read Pregnant With Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples and visit PregnantWithHope.com