While We’re Waiting…

The most consistently challenging aspect of infertility is not physical.  It’s psychological.  It’s the day-to-day, moment-to-moment struggle to maintain equilibrium in the face of unanswered questions.  Why us?  Why me?  Why not?  Why them?  When, God?  Ever?!  How?  Fear fuels these questions while anxiety generates adrenaline and jealousy stirs up poisonous resentment.  The toxic result churns through our minds, hearts and spirits – again and again and again.

How can we find peace with so many questions?

Centuries ago, a prophet asked, “How long, O Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen?”  God responded, “…I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.”  The prophet begged:  tell me you will send help and hope.  God assured him, “Though it tarries, wait for it.  Because it will surely come” [Habakkuk 1:2, 1:5, 2:3].

How can that exchange help couples find peace in the midst of infertility?  Three ways:

It gives us a strategy.  Knowing that if we call for help, “I [God] am going to do something…,” helps us see our best option: claim that promise.  We already know we can’t control our circumstances, and we struggle to control our thoughts and emotions.  But, we can claim the promise that help is coming, and that gives cause for hope.  Why?  The Bible makes clear, God watches over His word in order to perform it.  When we claim it, we call on His faithfulness to be true to His promise.

It gives us a focal point.  God makes clear that there is an appointed time (known only to Him) when questions will be answered.  Cries for help will cease because tangible, visible, long-awaited help will come.  It is hard to wait patiently because we don’t know when that moment will be.  But God promises, “…it will surely come.”  So, we can choose to trust Him, looking toward that moment in time with hope and confidence.

It gives us God’s instruction. God says, “… wait for it.”  Those three words tell us how to make the transition from fearful to faithful:

1. Be patient – “Wait for it” means believe there is a purpose, and trust God’s perfect timing.  When we are uncertain, our tendency is often to assume the worst.  But if God intends to do something so wonderful “you would not believe it, even if you were told,” then there is a good reason for waiting.  The right egg?  The best sperm?  A new procedure?  A different birth mother?  Be patient; wait for it.

2. Be still – “Wait for it” means be still enough to sense God’s presence, to sense help coming, and to rest in the knowledge “I am going to do something.”  When we are anxious, our tendency is to go faster – as if speed and urgency could bring us to closure sooner.  They can’t.  In fact, the more frantically we race around, the harder it is for us to be still.  But without stillness, there can be no peace.  Be still; wait for it.

3. Be expectant – “Wait for it” means anticipate God’s goodness, and expect Him to bring you His very best.  When we have to wait, our tendency is to worry that time will run out and we won’t receive the  blessing we desperately want.  God says, “Though it tarries…,” trust me, it’s coming.  My timing is perfect and my desire is to bless you.  Anticipate my goodness.  Be expectant; wait for it.

The path to peace has been laid out for us, and God is faithful.  If you are feeling anxious, “wait for it… [and] it will surely come.”

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Find many more resources & cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility & Finding What We Need

Too often, the resources available to infertile couples segment the infertility experience into categories:  practical/medical, philosophical/spiritual, and personal/individual.  Despite the fact that all these component pieces are parts of the experience, no one seems able to present a comprehensive picture:  here’s what it will be like, and here’s how you get through it.  Not the “experts,” not the church, not family or friends.

As a result, we’re forced to compartmentalize our search for understanding, gathering whatever information we can from whatever source seems appropriate.  Most of us respond by talking to every authority, researching every possibility, investigating every option, exploring every theory, considering every alternative, looking for every possible answer… all while trying to meet the needs of our bodies, minds and spirits, and trying to be good partners to our spouses, and trying to keep from losing our minds.

It’s exhausting, stressful work.  But the alternative, we fear, is to miss a critical piece of information that could have been THE answer.  The one piece of the puzzle that could have made the whole picture clear to us, gotten us through this, and moved us closer to our dream of becoming parents.  So, we gather every scrap of information that could possibly be relevant, evaluate and synthesize it all, and try to figure out how it applies to our particular story.

It’s the only way to get through this… isn’t it?

Thankfully, no.  It’s actually possible to identify an area of overlap where  all these categories intersect, and where the most meaningful questions are answered.  It is where our infertility struggles encounter God’s promises in a powerful, life-changing way.

How – and where – do we find that area of overlap?  Not by looking where we’ve been looking.  As Albert Einstein said, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”  If we want to change our experience, we will need to change what we’ve been doing.  We will need to stop chasing information as if that, alone, could transform our experience.  It can’t, nor can it guarantee control.  And that’s what we’ve really been chasing.

Without realizing it, we’ve been pursuing a mirage – a vision of ourselves as sufficiently informed to have control over this situation.  No matter how hard or fast we chase after this image of ourselves, we will never catch it.  It is an illusion.  Our inability to do the impossible is the source of our frustration and hopelessness.

Instead, we need to follow the advice, “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him” [Psalm 62:5]. 

How do we follow that advice?  What does that mean we do?  The answer is found where God’s promises  speak to our struggles.  When we find those places, and claim His promises, we  can  find rest and hope that are not dependent on our circumstances.

We find rest in God when we stop chasing control, come to a stand-still, and shift attention from the obsessive quest for answers to His trustworthy omniscience.  He, alone, knows how to make all things possible.  He, alone, knows how to produce a miracle that defies all odds and confounds all experts.  He, alone, knows how this story will end and why this journey will have been a blessing-in-disguise.

How does that relate to finding hope?  It transcends what we can know or understand.  It makes room for what we cannot explain or control.  It invites the miraculous into our story – and that possibility is great cause for hope.  It is bigger, better, and more powerful than any information we can find or any moment we might want to control.

What we need is not more information, but a hope that will not disappoint us. That is the very thing God promises to give us [Romans 5:5].  Claim His promise, lean into it, and find what you really need.

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com