This Will Actually Help…

How hard is it for you to listen to gratuitous, unsolicited advice? Or to offhand comments like, “Don’t be in such a hurry to get pregnant. Enjoy your freedom!” or “Why don’t you take our kids for a weekend. That’ll change your mind about wanting some of your own!”

Some people make remarks like that out of sheer cluelessness. They have no idea what you’re going through, and since you don’t tell them all of the agonizing details, their lack of insight leads to inane advice.

Other people mean well, but they’re extraordinarily uncomfortable with your ongoing suffering. They want to “fix” this for you, but they know they can’t – so they do the next best thing; they make themselves feel better by saying what they wish would help. Very often, it doesn’t.

Is there anything anyone can offer that will reassure you? Comfort and encourage you? Give you a reason to keep hoping, despite all the forms of failure you’ve experienced so far?

Yes. It’s a promise found in the story of Zechariah and his wife, Elizabeth.

According to Luke, they were both quite old – well past the age when they could reasonably hope God would answer years’ worth of prayers for a child. Still, despite God’s persistent silence in response to their repeated requests, the Bible says they continued to live “upright” and “blameless” lives.

Do you know the story? An angel appeared to Zechariah, the priest, as he burned incense in the temple. The angel told him Elizabeth would conceive “at the proper time.” Some translations read, “at the appointed time.” The angel went on to describe the life and purpose of Zechariah’s future son.  Not only would he delight his parents, he would “make ready a people for the Lord.”

So, what did Zechariah focus on? “How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years.” In other words, “No offense, but you gotta be kidding. Now?!” As a footnote in my Bible comments wryly, “His age spoke more loudly than God’s promise.”

Does that sound familiar at all? Are you wrestling with doubts about a promise God has made to you because it seems increasingly impossible?  Does it seem unlikely that He will bless the seed of hope He’s planted in your heart, given all that’s happened? The time that’s passed? The money that’s disappeared? The hope that’s faded with every additional miscarriage?

Then reread the story in Luke 1:5-25 (Spoiler alert: everything the angel foretold comes to pass).

Ask yourself: What about Zechariah and Elizabeth’s story should matter to infertile couples? That God can make old folks pregnant? That people who live upright and blameless lives have a chance of an 11^th hour miracle? If that’s all you take from the story, I think you’ve missed the deeper, more powerful promise.

“At the appointed time.”

God has known from the beginning of your infertility journey… from the beginning of your life… from generations and generations before your life even began…. He has always known the appointed time for fulfilling His plan for your family.

The moment when you will first glimpse the child He intends for you to steward is no surprise to Him. It’s already scheduled. If you could see His calendar for your life, it would be there. Circled in red. Waiting for “the proper time.”

Why can’t NOW be that proper time? Because it’s not just about you and your sense of urgency. Your child has a place in history. God has a purpose for bringing that particular person into the world at a particular moment. He has a plan for that person’s life — and it goes way beyond making you happy.

Can you wait? Can you trust God’s purposefulness enough to push aside thoughts of “Now!  Now!  Now!” and instead, pray for patience  and peace until  “the appointed time?” If so, you will delight the God who loves you and who eagerly anticipates that appointed time.

 

Sisters, Infertility & Baby Wars

What is it about sisterhood that can make infertility so much harder to bear?  According to author and therapist Vikki Stark, M.S.W., sister relationships are naturally fraught with competition and conflict.  Regardless of which sister initiated the rivalry – or when, or why – it becomes extremely difficult to set aside feelings of envy and resentment when one conceives, and the other can’t.

“Research has shown that 10 percent of women have high-conflict relationships with a sister,” Stark reports, “and a much larger percentage have mixed feelings.”  Infertility feeds that friction, and it’s not a new problem.  As far back as Genesis, the Bible records the effect of one sister’s fertility on the other (infertile) sister’s mindset.

Jacob married Leah and her sister Rachel.  The marriage to Leah was forced and unwanted.  The marriage to Rachel – just one week later – was much-desired and long-awaited.  This unequal status set the stage for the rivalry.  “When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb….” and the baby wars began.

The names Leah chose for her first three sons revealed her inner turmoil.  They meant:  “The Lord has seen my misery,” “The Lord heard I am not loved,” and “My husband will become attached because I have borne him three sons.”  Every time her husband spoke his boys’ names, he was reminded of his wife’s unhappiness, and her longing for his affection.  So was her jealous sister.

She couldn’t stand watching Leah deliver baby after baby.  “Give me children or I’ll die!” she yelled at Jacob – and then she demanded, “Sleep with my servant.  She can bear children for me, and through her I, too, can build a family.”  No mention of Jacob, or thoughts of We.  It was now baby wars by proxy, and Me, Me, Me.

The servant’s first baby arrived and Rachel named him “Vindication.”  Then, a second son was born and Rachel saddled him with the name, “I have had a great struggle with my sister, and I have won!”  Once again, Jacob couldn’t miss the sisters’ feelings – about themselves, each other, or their ongoing competition.

Not to be outdone, Leah sent her servant as a surrogate to Jacob.  Two boys were born.  Rachel responded by offering Leah an extra night with Jacob in exchange for a fertility-enhancing herb.  Leah agreed… and promptly bore a son, and then another.

The Bible says, “Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb.”  She finally had a son.  “God has taken away my disgrace” she named him, and as quickly as they began, the baby wars were over.

Here’s what I see in all that craziness.  Self.  Self.  Self.  It’s all about me, and how I feel, and what I want, and what she has, and what I don’t.  Neither wife was nurturing her marriage; they were too busy competing.  Neither wife was nurturing her children; they were too busy trying to have more any way they could.  And, neither wife was seeking God’s will; they were just seeking God’s ‘yes’ so they could beat each other.

Why share that story?  Because quite a few of you have confided in me about your own sisters:  “Both my sisters were pregnant at my baby’s funeral,” “My sister was going to be our surrogate, but then she got pregnant with her own baby,” “My sister and I had the same due date, but then I miscarried and she carried to term,” “My sister had the first grandchild the same week I lost my baby,” “My sister announced her baby news at my anniversary party,” “My sister asked — in front of all our extended family — if we were ever going to have a baby.”

And on, and on, and on….

Infertility is already so painful.  It seems almost unbearable to have the suffering compounded by someone who should be loving you through it.  Maybe she wants to, but she doesn’t know how.  Maybe she couldn’t even if she tried her best.  Whatever the story, let Rachel and Leah’s baby wars be a cautionary tale.  Competing with your sister will waste your life time.

So, don’t spend this time focused on her.  Instead, focus on this:  God has a plan and a purpose for your journey, and a child He intends to entrust to you.  Invest this time in being a woman worthy of such an incredible stewardship responsibility.  That is the path to peace.

Infertile Sisters and Baby Wars

What is it about sisterhood that can make infertility so much harder to bear?  According to author and therapist Vikki Stark, M.S.W., sister relationships are naturally fraught with competition and conflict.  Regardless of which sister initiated the rivalry – or when, or why – it becomes extremely difficult to set aside feelings of envy and resentment when one conceives, and the other can’t.

“Research has shown that 10 percent of women have high-conflict relationships with a sister,” Stark reports, “and a much larger percentage have mixed feelings.”  Infertility feeds that friction, and it’s not a new problem.  As far back as Genesis, the Bible records the effect of one sister’s fertility on the other (infertile) sister’s mindset.

Jacob married Leah and her sister Rachel.  The marriage to Leah was forced and unwanted.  The marriage to Rachel – just one week later – was much-desired and long-awaited.  This unequal status set the stage for the rivalry.  “When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb….” and the baby wars began.

The names Leah chose for her first three sons revealed her inner turmoil.  They meant:  “The Lord has seen my misery,” “The Lord heard I am not loved,” and “My husband will become attached because I have borne him three sons.”  Every time her husband spoke his boys’ names, he was reminded of his wife’s unhappiness, and her longing for his affection.  So was her jealous sister.

She couldn’t stand watching Leah deliver baby after baby.  “Give me children or I’ll die!” she yelled at Jacob – and then she demanded, “Sleep with my servant.  She can bear children for me, and through her I, too, can build a family.”  No mention of Jacob, or thoughts of We.  It was now baby wars by proxy, and Me, Me, Me.

The servant’s first baby arrived and Rachel named him “Vindication.”  Then, a second son was born and Rachel saddled him with the name, “I have had a great struggle with my sister, and I have won!”  Once again, Jacob couldn’t miss the sisters’ feelings – about themselves, each other, or their ongoing competition.

Not to be outdone, Leah sent her servant as a surrogate to Jacob.  Two boys were born.  Rachel responded by offering Leah an extra night with Jacob in exchange for a fertility-enhancing herb.  Leah agreed… and promptly bore a son, and then another.

The Bible says, “Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb.”  She finally had a son.  “God has taken away my disgrace” she named him, and as quickly as they began, the baby wars were over.

Here’s what I see in all that craziness.  Self.  Self.  Self.  It’s all about me, and how I feel, and what I want, and what she has, and what I don’t.  Neither wife was nurturing her marriage; they were too busy competing.  Neither wife was nurturing her children; they were too busy trying to have more any way they could.  And, neither wife was seeking God’s will; they were just seeking God’s ‘yes’ so they could beat each other.

Why share that story?  Because quite a few of you have confided in me about your own sisters:  “Both my sisters were pregnant at my baby’s funeral,” “My sister was going to be our surrogate, but then she got pregnant with her own baby,” “My sister and I had the same due date, but then I miscarried and she carried to term,” “My sister had the first grandchild the same week I lost my baby,” “My sister announced her baby news at my anniversary party,” “My sister asked — in front of all our extended family — if we were ever going to have a baby.”

And on, and on, and on….

Infertility is already so painful.  It seems almost unbearable to have the suffering compounded by someone who should be loving you through it.  Maybe she wants to, but she doesn’t know how.  Maybe she couldn’t even if she tried her best.  Whatever the story, let Rachel and Leah’s baby wars be a cautionary tale.  Competing with your sister will waste your life time.

So, don’t spend this time focused on her.  Instead, focus on this:  God has a plan and a purpose for your journey, and a child He intends to entrust to you.  Invest this time in being a woman worthy of such an incredible stewardship responsibility.  That is the path to peace.

Waiting for “the Appointed Time”

How hard is it for you to listen to gratuitous, unsolicited advice? Or to offhand comments like, “Don’t be in such a hurry to get pregnant. Enjoy your freedom!” or “Why don’t you take our kids for a weekend. That’ll change your mind about wanting some of your own!”

Some people make remarks like that out of sheer cluelessness. They have no idea what you’re going through, and since you don’t tell them all of the agonizing details, their lack of insight leads to inane advice.

Other people mean well, but they’re extraordinarily uncomfortable with your ongoing suffering. They want to “fix” this for you, but they know they can’t – so they do the next best thing; they make themselves feel better by saying what they wish would help. Very often, it doesn’t.

Is there anything anyone can offer that will reassure you? Comfort and encourage you? Give you a reason to keep hoping, despite all the forms of failure you’ve experienced so far?

Yes. It’s a promise found in the story of Zechariah and his wife, Elizabeth.

According to Luke, they were both quite old – well past the age when they could reasonably hope God would answer years’ worth of prayers for a child. Still, despite God’s persistent silence in response to their repeated requests, the Bible says they continued to live “upright” and “blameless” lives.

Do you know the story? An angel appeared to Zechariah, the priest, as he burned incense in the temple. The angel told him Elizabeth would conceive “at the proper time.” Some translations read, “at the appointed time.” The angel went on to describe the life and purpose of Zechariah’s future son.  Not only would he delight his parents, he would “make ready a people for the Lord.”

So, what did Zechariah focus on? “How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years.” In other words, “No offense, but you gotta be kidding. Now?!” As a footnote in my Bible comments wryly, “His age spoke more loudly than God’s promise.”

Does that sound familiar at all? Are you wrestling with doubts about a promise God has made to you because it seems increasingly impossible?  Does it seem unlikely that He will bless the seed of hope He’s planted in your heart, given all that’s happened? The time that’s passed? The money that’s disappeared? The hope that’s faded with every additional miscarriage?

Then reread the story in Luke 1:5-25 (Spoiler alert: everything the angel foretold comes to pass).

Ask yourself: What about Zechariah and Elizabeth’s story should matter to infertile couples? That God can make old folks pregnant? That people who live upright and blameless lives have a chance of an 11^th hour miracle? If that’s all you take from the story, I think you’ve missed the deeper, more powerful promise.

“At the appointed time.”

God has known from the beginning of your infertility journey… from the beginning of your life… from generations and generations before your life even began…. He has always known the appointed time for fulfilling His plan for your family.

The moment when you will first glimpse the child He intends for you to steward is no surprise to Him. It’s already scheduled. If you could see His calendar for your life, it would be there. Circled in red. Waiting for “the proper time.”

Why can’t NOW be that proper time? Because it’s not just about you and your sense of urgency. Your child has a place in history. God has a purpose for bringing that particular person into the world at a particular moment. He has a plan for that person’s life — and it goes way beyond making you happy.

Can you wait? Can you trust God’s purposefulness enough to push aside thoughts of “Now!  Now!  Now!” and instead, pray for patience  and peace until  “the appointed time?” If so, you will delight the God who loves you and who eagerly anticipates that appointed time.