The Hardest Question: “Is Infertility My Punishment?”

Several days ago, the LORD laid on my heart the need to write this.  I’m not sure who it’s for – but you’ll know when you read it if God meant it for you….

In the midst of infertility, uncertainty frequently begs the question, ”Why is this happening?  Why to us?  Why now?”  There is a deeper, much more painful question that many people struggle to avoid:  “Is this my fault?  Is this happening because of what I did?”  It is a worry laced with fear – and often, long-buried guilt.  It is virtually never voiced because the one who is desperate to know the answer is also desperately afraid to hear it.

When Angela and Sean tried to start a family, they encountered a series of unexpected hurdles.  “We thought — like everyone else — you get off birth control, wait six months and ‘boom’ you get pregnant,” remembers Angela.  “But I wound up in the ER with an ectopic pregnancy, then a cyst, then surgery for a closed tube, and then a miscarriage….”

Frustrated and worried about their lack of success, they tried to make sense of things.  Sean admits, “My first thought was, ‘Crap, we were on birth control for ten years.”

Angela’s fears went deeper:  “Maybe we weren’t letting God work in His way and that was why we had infertility.”  They tried IVF and failed.  “Maybe we didn’t let it happen naturally and so this was my punishment,” she reasoned.  She began seeking answers in terms of deserved consequences.  “I was asking myself, ‘What did I do wrong before marriage, or during marriage…?  Why is this happening?’”

She didn’t know it, but Sean was also finding fault in his past.  “I grew up Catholic, but when I was 16, I stopped going to church.  Now, I wasn’t praying.  I wasn’t reading the Bible.  We were going to church, but just going through the motions.”  Was God angry at Sean and Angela?  Was this His punishment?  Does He withhold children from those whose crimes are unforgiveable?  They wanted to know, but they couldn’t bring themselves to ask – even each other.

So, where can the answers be found?  And can they provide any peace?  Any reassurance that there is hope for those who’ve made choices or done things that might have angered God?

I have good news, and it starts with Rahab’s story….

When the Israelites headed toward the Promised Land, it was already inhabited by the Canaanites.  Scripture and archaeology reveal their culture was steeped in some of the most shocking, abominable practices imaginable – including incest, bestiality, institutionalized sexual abuse of women and child sacrifice [Leviticus 18:24-28].  In the midst of this depraved society lived a prostitute named Rahab.

Long story short, she knew the Israelites planned to invade Canaan, destroying everyone and everything, under strict instructions from God.  She agreed to help them take the city – in exchange for her life, and the lives of her parents and siblings.

Timeout. Look at Rahab.  She existed on the lowest rung of a sick society.  She had a family that could have provided for her; but apparently, she chose to pursue her profession with all its inherent risks.  Did her constant sexual activity produce children?  She never mentioned any when she negotiated for her life and that of her family.  So, either she disposed of whatever she conceived (abandonment? abortion? child sacrifice?), or she didn’t care enough to protect the lives she’d brought into the world; the invaders could slaughter them.

Does anything in that profile strike you as potentially offensive to God?  Inexcusable?  Unforgiveable?  Then you might want to hear the rest of her story….

She lied to protect the spies sent by the approaching invaders.  It was a traitorous act, committed to help people whose law called for a prostitute to be stoned.  But she chose to entrust herself to the God who had given that law, and to His people.  What became of her?

The whole city was invaded and burned, but she and her family were saved.  She accepted God’s offer of forgiveness for everything in her past.  Then, she married an Israelite who saw beyond that past – and together, they had a son.  Many years later, their great-great grandson, King David, was born.  And many generations after that, her descendant Jesus came into the world.

Does that sound like the story of a woman who got what she deserved?  Who suffered mightily because God was angry at the choices she’d made?  Not to me.  I see Rahab’s story as evidence of God’s incredible mercy.  He knows what’s in all hearts, He understands all motivations, and He stands ready to forgive all pasts – if we are willing to trust Him, act out of that trust, and receive the future He longs to give us.

Does that sound too good to be true?  Not to Sean and Angela, the proud parents of a boy and a girl.  It’s not too good for you, either. Receive God’s grace, and may the blessings begin to flow. 

What’s the Truth?

When you are trying to conceive and struggling mightily against infertility, it can appear to be a losing battle.  Every disheartening test result, every unsuccessful transfer, every cycle that goes by with no heartbeat in the womb seems to say, “It will never happen.  You will never have a baby.”

The temptation to agree and give in to despair can be so strong.  Everything tangible, visible, or quantifiable is discouraging.  It all tells you to give up hope, admit defeat and get on with your life.

Don’t believe it.  Appearances can be very deceiving. 

What’s the truth, then?  A very different story:

“Instead of shame my people will receive a double portion [of blessing], and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance.  In my faithfulness I will reward them….  All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the Lord has blessed.”

How do we make sense of that promise when nothing about it seems to align with our experience?  Other than wishing it were so, how does this covenant between God and His people change anything?

If we trust it and claim it, this promise changes everything.  It enables us to step outside the constraints of this world’s limitations and tap into the unlimited power of the Creator – the One who puts the heartbeat in the womb, who breathes life into lifelessness, who makes all things possible.

When we accept this covenant as real and binding, we discover the path to peace.  We know only that we are on a journey; its outcome seems so uncertain.  But to the God who makes the path, who guides our steps along it, and who knows where it leads and how that will bless us, there is no uncertainty.

It will lead to a double portion of blessing.  We will rejoice.  He will reward us – not for what we’ve done, but out of His own faithfulness.  And our blessedness will be apparent to all who see us.  It’s all in place.

How can we be sure?

Listen to these words from formerly-infertile couples.  They stood where you are standing and felt all that you are currently feeling.  Here’s what they learned by studying the messages of Pregnant With Hope, and what they want you to know:

“We realized it matters to God… the details matter.  Down to specific dates, numbers.  He’s very aware of what’s going on.  He cares and He’s involved.  And everything doesn’t have to happen because you make it happen.  You just have to be a participant in God’s plan.” – Laura & Brian

“We’ve learned to trust that when it’s out of our hands, it’s still in God’s control.” – Sarah & Wilson

“We learned that there’s not just one set pattern, one path to get where you want to go.  There are so many different ways to have children.  Trust God.  Use the patience approach and let it come.  Be ready – do your part – but let it come on God’s time.” – Robyn & Don

“We learned that, even though we don’t always know ‘why,’ we can still have peace.” – Angela & Sean

Rather than waiting to reach your future in order to see that it is blessed, why not “see” it already with eyes of faith?  These couples, and many others like them, send postcards from your desired future in the book, Pregnant With Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples.  Invite God to speak to you through it.

Choose to trust His faithfulness.  When you do, like these couples, you will delight the One who asks, “Will you wait for me?  Will you believe that I intend to give you my very best?  I will.”

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Find more inspiration and cause for hope by following this link….

When You Can’t Take it Any More, Leap!

Not long ago, I met with a couple going through infertility – and a lot of other struggles.  The husband said his life feels “like riding a flaming motorcycle down a dark highway at 100 mph.”  That’s not a bad metaphor for life feeling totally out-of-control.

I vividly remember the same kind of feeling when we were going through infertility.  My father had just died, my mother was getting a bone marrow transplant, and I was 2,000 miles from home taking care of her.  I was also taking fertility meds, scheduling IUIs, and sneaking bloodwork at the oncology clinic… all while trying to juggle a demanding job, an impatient boss, a frustrated client, and a (temporarily) long-distance marriage.  It was crazy!

I joked with my sister that, sooner or later, I was going to hit a wall and fall in a heap on the ground.  She responded, “Are you kidding?  You’ve broken through the wall.  You’re in totally uncharted territory.”

Does that sound familiar at all?

It’s scary to admit when things feel totally out-of-control.  The bad news keeps coming and coming.  Meanwhile, you are going as hard and fast as humanly possible, knowing this is not sustainable.  You know it’s just a matter of time ‘til you come apart under all the pressure.  But, you also know you can’t let that happen because what would happen next?  It’s too much to consider.  So, you do the only thing you can:  keep struggling.

There is an alternative.  Try taking a leap of faith.

Here are three reasons to consider doing it:

1)      You’re tired of trying to get out ahead of your problems.  You’re tired of trying to do it all alone.  You’re tired of being tired!  A leap of faith means rest.  The “leap” doesn’t actually require much effort at all.  It’s more like an exhale of faith.  A letting go of faith.  A “here, God, you take it” of faith.  Can you imagine a moment like that?  A few hours?  A day?  How might that give you a chance to recover from all you’ve been through?

2)      You’re not in control.  You never have been.  With infertility, it’s just not possible.  Rather than continuing to fight the truth, why not make peace with it?  Admit the obvious, and then turn to the only One who has control.  If you can believe He exists and that He is who He says He is, then the leap of faith only requires you to remember – that He is near you, He cares deeply, and He is insuring “all things work together for good.”  Trust, and leave the details to the One with control.

3)      You can find the kind of strength you truly need.  You’ve shown persistence, determination and resourcefulness already.  But you still haven’t reached your goal.  Take a big leap of faith and build “muscles” like confidence, hope, and even joy.  These are the ones that will sustain you until your hope becomes reality.

“Leap, and the net will appear.”  That’s the advice I was given years ago as I contemplated turning from self-reliance to something more like God-reliance.  It was terrifying advice.  And hugely helpful.

Now, it’s your turn.

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For more inspiration and cause for hope, click this link…

Wandering in the Infertility Wilderness

These words leaped off the page of a book I read recently:  “When God calls you to do something, He prepares you in advance.”   The same day, I read about the Israelites ending their 40 years in the desert and (finally!) heading toward the Promise Land.

I started thinking…  What about their journey through the desert was purposeful?  How did God use it to prepare them for the Promise Land?  And, how does that relate to the infertility journey?  In what ways does God use it to prepare us for the “promise land” of parenthood?

The Regional Council of Churches, in its review of Pregnant with Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples, made the comparison, writing…

“This book is a guide for the journey through the wilderness of infertility to joy.  I could not help but think of the children of Israel in the wilderness – their transformational journey.  The lesson learned was to rely on our ever-faithful God, to trust in His hesed.  That Hebrew word, frequently translated as loving-kindness, also means the consistent, relentless, constantly-pursuing, extravagant, unrestrained love of God.”

God kept the Israelites wandering in the desert for 40 years before they finally arrived at the Jordan River.  They passed their turn-off multiple times as they literally walked in circles.  Does that sound familiar?  Have you covered the same ground multiple times – cycle after cycle after cycle – wondering when you’ll ever cross over to parenthood?

How do you trust the hesed of a God who seems to lead you in circles?

The Israelites learned the answer to that question through the journey itself.  Their learning can help you find the path through the wilderness of infertility to joy:

• Look for God – In the desert, God led the people by appearing as a cloud (by day) or a pillar of fire (by night).  He taught them to expect His presence, and to look past each other – and their anxiety about reaching the destination – to Him.  He should be their focus.
• Follow God – God told the people that He would go before them, and they should follow.  He would lead them to the Promise Land.  When He moved, they should move; when He stopped, they should stop.  They were in a barren and unfamiliar land.  They would not find their way by refusing or neglecting to follow Him.
• Rely on God – For 40 years, the Israelites relied on God for sustenance.  They had no food or water, apart from what He provided.  He delivered what they needed every day – for that day, which taught them to turn to Him and thank Him daily.
• Trust God – Some of the Israelites complained bitterly about the length of their journey and the monotony of their experience.  They did not trust God’s purpose or His timing.  He kept them wandering until they died off.  Only those who trusted God and were grateful for His faithfulness arrived in the Promise Land.

Consider this:  God may be using the infertility journey to accomplish in your life what  He did in the lives of the Israelites.

If so, you are in the “desert” not because you are being punished, but because you are being prepared.  Live into that perspective.  Believe that this is a time of purposeful preparation.  Apply the Israelites’ learning to your journey — look for God, follow Him, rely on Him, trust Him — and rest assured God knows the way through this wilderness to joy.

He will lead, if you will follow.

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For more resources and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com

Adoption’s Multiple Blessings

For some couples, infertility is simply the product of timing.  Initially, that can feel like a huge disappointment.  But, it can prove to be a great blessing.

Robin and Don met in their early 40’s and married just before Robin turned 45.  Statistically, they had an 87% chance of being infertile.  Robin conceived naturally – twice – but both times, she miscarried soon afterwards.  Said Don, “I thought, realistically, that chances of me becoming a father were slim.  I remember telling some friends one time that that would be my biggest disappointment in life….”

“ It was hard to think that we had passed the point of being able to have our own genetic children,” Robin agreed.  They talked to fertility specialists, but somehow weren’t at peace with IVF.  So, they began to consider adoption.  Here’s how Don described their decision process:

“I’m one who believes you’ve got to exert immense patience to understand – and wait for – what God’s doing in your life.  If you jump to a conclusion, you may miss the message.  At the time, I wondered:  We haven’t been able to get pregnant — is there a message there?  I was listening and thinking:  Is God saying, ‘You shouldn’t be parents?’ or ‘Take another approach’?  I knew God had messages for us, but we had to be listening.”

Psalm 37 teaches, “Delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desires.  Commit everything you do to the Lord.  Trust Him, and He will help you.”  Don and Robin did that:

1) They entered the adoption process focused intently on God’s love, His purposefulness, and His deep desire to bless them, 2) They sought His guidance and trusted Him to direct their steps, and 3) They chose to believe that He had a plan worth waiting for – one that would be better than anything they could accomplish without Him.

What happened?  Did God help them?  “We were told to expect a 12-18 month wait,” Robin said.  So, they trusted and waited.  Ten days later, they got a phone call.

“Our social worker said, ‘Are you ready to be blown away?  There is a mom who has 5-month-old twins.  She has been wanting to make an adoption plan since she was pregnant, but she’s had a lot of false starts and nothing’s come through.  She’s ready to go through with it.  She chose you.’”

“I look back on it now,” said Don, “and here’s the miracle: if we’d been ready six months earlier, this mom wouldn’t have been ready.  If we had been ready six months later, we might have missed adopting our boys.  God has a way of moving things around so that it’s a win-win for everybody.  This mom needed relief, these boys needed a home – they needed our home, Robin and I wanted children… and God worked it all out perfectly.”

Is their story an extraordinary rarity?  I don’t think so.  After spending five years struggling with infertility, Owen and Kelly had a similar experience.  They felt led by God to move onto a path toward adoption and they, too, are now the joyful parents of twins.

Want another example?  How about Bill Haslet, who emailed me about adopting his twins 30+ years ago.  He wrote, “We received a call on a Friday evening and picked them up on the following Tuesday. Talk about instant family!! Today, they are 33 years old, both married, both fathers, and two of the finest young Christian men I know.  Our lives don’t always turn out the way we might plan them, but God’s plan and his blessings are more than we can even comprehend!!”

Sometimes, infertility is the first step on the path designed to lead us toward  adoption.  Rather than a curse, it serves as the signpost that says, “Adoption’s pinwheel of blessings:  this way.”

Don’t be afraid to follow the signs.

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For more resources and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com

When There’s Finally Good News

I met Brent & Cathi the first time they came to the infertility Bible study group.   At that point, Cathi was so exhausted by the emotional toll of infertility, it took enormous effort to hold herself together.   Tears were very close to the surface.  Several times they spilled over and poured down her cheeks.  Brent was doing his best to be stoic-yet-supportive.  It was clear they were struggling mightily.

A year later, when I interviewed the two of them for Pregnant with Hope, they spoke candidly about the challenge of being surrounded by countless fertile friends, all of whom seemed to conceive effortlessly.  They acknowledged having wrestled many times with feelings of anger, resentment, jealousy, self-pity, confusion, heartache and more as they struggled.  They also spoke of the deep desire to join the ranks of the “alumni” (couples who’d completed the infertility course and gone on to become parents), and the fear that made that seem impossible whenever bad news overwhelmed them.

So, it was with great joy that I read the article, “Couple Realize Dream of Being Parents.”  Take a minute to enjoy the story, and then remind yourself that the Bible says, “No one who trusts God like this — heart and soul — will ever regret it.  It’s exactly the same no matter what a person’s religious background may be:  the same God for all of us, acting in the same incredibly generous way to everyone who calls out for help.  Everyone who calls, ‘Help, God!’ gets help.”

Here’s the story as it appeared….

“When it came to having children, Cathi Hilpert never thought she’d have a problem.  The freelance writer married her husband, Brent, in 2000 and wasn’t in any hurry to start a family.  ‘We were married for some time before we started trying,’ she said.  ‘I always thought I’d pop one out right away, so we took our time.’  But, it wasn’t long before Hilpert realized that having a baby was not going to be as easy as she’d assumed.  After consulting doctors and specialists, she began a rigorous treatment that included test, drugs and needles.  ‘It was pretty intense,’ she recalled.

She and her husband soon found that being infertile absorbed their private lives and spilled into their social circle.  It became increasingly difficult to be around children or to discuss their feelings with friends.  ‘When you’re going through it, you often don’t have friends who understand,’ she said.  ‘It was even hard to go to church — a very hard place to be infertile.  You’re surrounded by children, and there’s a lot of talk about children being blessings.  You start to wonder, ‘Have I done something wrong that I’m not blessed?’

After a year of dealing with the anguish on their own, the couple discovered a class led by author Susan Radulovacki and based on her book, Pregnant with Hope.  In the fall of 2008, Hilpert and her husband began attending regular sessions for infertile couples.  ‘We really wanted to meet other people going through it,’ Hilpert said.  ‘This class was a safe place to share our feelings.  That’s probably the biggest challenge of infertility:  as much as friends and family empathize, it’s really difficult for them to understand.’

Brent Hilpert, a 34-year-old chemistry teacher, described the couple’s two-year struggle as ‘isolating.’  He said, ‘My wife and I looked for any resource we could find and there was very little out there.  The class was especially  helpful because it gave me a place to talk about all of these issues with other men.’

Last November, after nine months of an uncomplicated pregnancy resulting from IVF, Cathi Hilpert, 32, fulfilled her dream of becoming a mother when her daughter Molly was born.  But, she and her husband still attend the class to share their story with other couples.  ‘There are so many people who go through hell to build a family,’ she said.  ‘We want to be supportive of others as they go through the process.’

Hilpert said she knows ‘the whole experience made us different parents than if we hadn’t gone through the infertility journey.  I have a little more patience than I may have had.  I love being a mom and can’t imagine my life any other way than with kids.'”

The same faithful God who brought Brent and Cathi to the moment they longed for, and placed Molly safely in their arms, has a plan that will lead your life to intersect with the life of a particular child who needs you.  That is why He placed the seed of hope in your heart.  That is why He has nurtured and protected it, even as you have suffered through loss after grief after heartache.  He will execute His plan perfectly (if you do not willfully alter its course), as soon as all the pieces are in place.

Until then, trust Him… and visualize that reporter calling you to say, “So, how did your story begin?”

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For more resources and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com

Humility Changes Everything

To all who are struggling with infertility,

I thought about you as I hiked up Humility Hill.  That may sound strange, but it’s true.  As I climbed, I realized that sharing this story might prevent you from making the same mistake I did.  So, here goes….

Two years ago, there was something I desperately wanted.  It wasn’t material “stuff,” it was a blessing – and one I was convinced was absolutely essential to the future I envisioned.  I’d done what I could to influence events in my favor, but the outcome was completely out of my hands.  So, I turned my attention to God and began to pray like crazy.

I would set off on long walks and pray about all the ways that saying “yes” to my desire would be wise on God’s part.  Like a persistent salesman, I showed up at every turn, relentlessly doing my best to show God the wisdom of agreeing with my extensive research, my wise judgment, my logic and reason.  I wanted Him to realize He didn’t need to think this through – because I already had!

All the traits and skills that had made me a successful advertising executive were brought to bear:  positioning, strategic thinking, timing the pitch, compelling arguments, downside risk assessment.  You name it, I covered it.  My prayers were 100% transmit, 0% receive because there was only one thing I wanted to hear from God:  YES.  Until I heard it, I’d keep at it.

So, did I convince Him?

No.

That’s why I call it Humility Hill.

I was hiking up the hill one day on one of my long walks, giving God an earful, when I reached my conclusion:  “… and that’s why I want you to do what I will.”  Those were the words my mind prayed – and they froze me on the spot.  I have no idea what really happened, but it seemed as if I turned to stone the minute I heard myself say, “…do what I will.”  It was if I’d said, “Obey me, God.”  I realized, that’s what I was really praying.  I was telling the God of the universe:  do what I say.

My will — not Thine.

That realization left me breathless.  I don’t know how long I stood there, not breathing.  Not thinking.  Not moving.  Just staring my hubris in the face.  I had spent months pestering God to bend to my will.  Begging Him, pleading with Him, browbeating and reasoning with Him.  I was horrified… and very ashamed.  I stood atop the hill for a long time, having no idea what to say or do.  I wanted to look away from the truth, but I couldn’t.  Then, I realized there was only one thing to say… the words of Jesus:  “Not my will, but thine.”

In that moment, I let go.  I released my grip on everything I desperately wanted to control.  God had revealed my arrogant self-absorption, and I chose to face it.  To humble myself and change it.  I chose – in that moment – to give up the fight for control.

A few months later, I got my answer.  It was as close to “yes” as it could be, but still be “no.”  It seemed clear that God was saying, “I want you to know I heard you – but I have a better plan.”  Not long afterwards, that better plan manifested itself.  It was, and continues to be, so much better than what I prayed for.

Because of that experience, I’ve learned to pray for God’s best in every situation.  I don’t try to tell Him what that is; He already knows.  And I’ve realized, I don’t always know.  The Bible says He “withholds no good thing,” and I’ve come to believe it’s true for those who trust and honor Him.  As a result, I find myself at peace – even in the midst of uncertainty.

If you’re ready to take God at His word, stop praying for your will to be done.  Pray for His best – and then, watch Him delight in giving you more than you imagined possible.

He will.

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For more resources and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com

When Infertility is Redeemed

What does it mean when something is terrible or tragic, but God redeems it?  What happens, and what does it change?

Almost thirty years ago, Bobbi married a man who quickly became abusive.  “He made me think our problems were because I couldn’t have a baby,” she said.  She had two false pregnancies, but could not seem to conceive.  She was building up the courage to leave him when she discovered she was pregnant.  She didn’t tell her him because she didn’t want to give him another reason to follow her when she fled.

The night before she left – taking only what she could carry, and leaving the only town she’d ever known – she miscarried.

Twenty-eight years passed, and “I went through a lot of depression,” she said.  She made a life for herself taking care of other people’s children.  She never remarried, and never told a soul she’d almost had a child of her own.  For decades, she suppressed the grief of losing the child she’d wanted so badly.  She stuffed all her emotions, denying her spirit’s cries for comfort, concentrating instead on being free of a man she’d thought she loved – who showed his love with threats and abuse.  But, “I got to a point where I didn’t want to try anymore.”

Then, someone gave her a copy of the book, Pregnant with Hope.

“I read it fast, and then I read it again slow.  I cried and cried.  All these feelings came pouring out of me – like God wanted them to finally come out of hiding.  It answered a lot of questions of mine about going through trauma and wanting that baby.  I thought about how God had taken that child so my husband couldn’t hurt him, or me.  I started talking to God, and I realized He’s listening.  He’s there for me.”

Bobbi shared her story with me recently.  She explained, “I needed something to help me understand – but I never did find it.  There was nobody to talk to.  It helped me so much to read the book and know that other people struggle, too.”

The Bible tells us that everything matters to God.  The fact that horrible things, and hurtful people, and heartbreaking events come into our lives does not change the character of God.  He remains full of love, compassion, mercy and grace.  And, He redeems what is lost.  For Bobbi, that meant peace.  Twenty-eight years after she went into hiding, taking the secrets of her past with her, God called her back into the light.  “That book helped me get closer to God,” she said.  “I told Him, ‘you really do know how to talk to me about things.’”

The definition of redeem is, “to make good, restore, buy back, keep a promise, or exchange for something valuable.”  When God redeems an awful chapter in our lives, He does all these things.  He makes good His promise to help us, to restore our hope, to buy back our freedom from fear, to keep the promise of His faithfulness, and to exchange our suffering for joy.

He can redeem anything.  He did it for Bobbi, and He will do it for you.

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Find cause for hope & many more resources at PregnantWithHope.com

While We’re Waiting…

The most consistently challenging aspect of infertility is not physical.  It’s psychological.  It’s the day-to-day, moment-to-moment struggle to maintain equilibrium in the face of unanswered questions.  Why us?  Why me?  Why not?  Why them?  When, God?  Ever?!  How?  Fear fuels these questions while anxiety generates adrenaline and jealousy stirs up poisonous resentment.  The toxic result churns through our minds, hearts and spirits – again and again and again.

How can we find peace with so many questions?

Centuries ago, a prophet asked, “How long, O Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen?”  God responded, “…I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.”  The prophet begged:  tell me you will send help and hope.  God assured him, “Though it tarries, wait for it.  Because it will surely come” [Habakkuk 1:2, 1:5, 2:3].

How can that exchange help couples find peace in the midst of infertility?  Three ways:

It gives us a strategy.  Knowing that if we call for help, “I [God] am going to do something…,” helps us see our best option: claim that promise.  We already know we can’t control our circumstances, and we struggle to control our thoughts and emotions.  But, we can claim the promise that help is coming, and that gives cause for hope.  Why?  The Bible makes clear, God watches over His word in order to perform it.  When we claim it, we call on His faithfulness to be true to His promise.

It gives us a focal point.  God makes clear that there is an appointed time (known only to Him) when questions will be answered.  Cries for help will cease because tangible, visible, long-awaited help will come.  It is hard to wait patiently because we don’t know when that moment will be.  But God promises, “…it will surely come.”  So, we can choose to trust Him, looking toward that moment in time with hope and confidence.

It gives us God’s instruction. God says, “… wait for it.”  Those three words tell us how to make the transition from fearful to faithful:

1. Be patient – “Wait for it” means believe there is a purpose, and trust God’s perfect timing.  When we are uncertain, our tendency is often to assume the worst.  But if God intends to do something so wonderful “you would not believe it, even if you were told,” then there is a good reason for waiting.  The right egg?  The best sperm?  A new procedure?  A different birth mother?  Be patient; wait for it.

2. Be still – “Wait for it” means be still enough to sense God’s presence, to sense help coming, and to rest in the knowledge “I am going to do something.”  When we are anxious, our tendency is to go faster – as if speed and urgency could bring us to closure sooner.  They can’t.  In fact, the more frantically we race around, the harder it is for us to be still.  But without stillness, there can be no peace.  Be still; wait for it.

3. Be expectant – “Wait for it” means anticipate God’s goodness, and expect Him to bring you His very best.  When we have to wait, our tendency is to worry that time will run out and we won’t receive the  blessing we desperately want.  God says, “Though it tarries…,” trust me, it’s coming.  My timing is perfect and my desire is to bless you.  Anticipate my goodness.  Be expectant; wait for it.

The path to peace has been laid out for us, and God is faithful.  If you are feeling anxious, “wait for it… [and] it will surely come.”

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Find many more resources & cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

When We Can’t, God Will

Infertility doesn’t strike most of us as a great calling.  In fact, just the opposite.  It is a tremendous burden, an enormous obstacle, a prolonged season of undeserved suffering.  Everything bad and nothing good.  But what if that’s not how God sees it?  Does that matter?  If we could understand God’s purpose, would it change our perspective on infertility?

My husband and I rented “The Ten Commandments” DVD not long ago and watched Charlton Heston’s Moses journey from birth to the moment at the burning bush.  In that moment, when God calls him to confront Pharaoh and free his people, Moses’ first thought is:  I can’t.  But, God doesn’t take “no” for an answer.  As He makes clear, this isn’t about what Moses can do;  it’s about what God can do.  If Moses is willing, God is able.

He has a purpose for making it (appear) impossible for Moses to succeed, which He explains:

“…‘Go to Pharaoh, for I have hardened his heart…so I can perform these miraculous signs of mine… so that you may tell your children and grandchildren… and that you may know that I am the Lord”  [Exodus 10:1-2].

God isn’t interested in humiliating Moses or putting him in danger, despite how it may seem.  This story isn’t just about Moses.  God is setting the stage “for these miraculous signs of mine” which require the appearance of impossibility.  Why?  “So that you may tell your children and grandchildren… and that you may know that I am the Lord.”  All Moses needs to do is trust  God, and obey.

Like Moses, we miss sensing God’s purpose when we’re confronted with what appears impossible.  We’re too busy concentrating on our limitations and our fears.  Infertility focuses our attention on what we can’t do.  That’s all we can see, and all we can think about!  We forget that this isn’t about us; it’s about what God can do in and through us.

When Moses says, I can’t, God repeatedly assures him, I will:  “I will send you,” “I will be with you,” “I will help you,” “I will show you,” “I will teach you.”  Why?  “So that you may tell your children and grandchildren… and that you may know that I am the Lord.”  That’s the reason.  That’s God’s purpose.  This is about the story that will be told to generations.

Now, God wants to step into your story.  He wants to assure you, “I will be with you,” “I will help you,” “I will show you,” “I will teach you.”  Why?  “So that you may tell your children and grandchildren… and that you may know that I am the Lord.”

The same I who knew the outcome of Moses’ story knows the outcome of yours.  Trust Him, and one day, you will be telling your children an incredible story of God’s amazing faithfulness.

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Find many more resources & cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com