Talking With God

Years ago, I read about a woman missionary who was frustrated by her inability to connect with people. A fellow missionary came to visit and encourage her, and within a week, he had won over many of the locals. Embarrassed that her own efforts suffered by contrast, she humbled herself enough to ask him, “How did you do it?!”

He answered, “By teaching them how to hear the Lord speak.”

“Teach me!” she begged, because she had never heard God speak to her directly. So, he did. It changed her life… and her ministry.

What he taught her is what I call prayer journaling. It has been life changing for me, and I believe it can be for you, too.

In essence, it is three simple steps: 1) Find a quiet place to be alone, 2) Write down what you want to ask God or talk to Him about, and 3) Wait patiently and quietly until you sense a response in your spirit that is not your own; when you do, write it down.

This morning, I wanted to talk with God about a crushing disappointment. We had invested time, effort, money and hope in a deeply-desired outcome… and then received the news that what we had hoped for was not to be. The implications were many — and all discouraging.

Why? I wanted to know. Why, if we believed for the best, did everything we could do to bring about a good outcome, and saw all the ways in which it could be a blessing? Why, if we were convinced that this was God’s best for us? Why, if the outcome we experienced seemed full of harm and not good? Why did this happen? Why this bad news?

I took my questions straight to God, pouring my heart out on the pages of my journal as tears coursed down my cheeks.

When I finally paused to listen to Him, I sensed this answer in my spirit, “Trust me. All will be well. Do not be afraid. I AM in control.”

Can I tell you exactly what that means about our situation? Unfortunately, no. So, now I have a choice: 1) Dwell on where things are and give in to despair, or 2) Believe that all things are possible, and that this is not the end of the story. I choose believing.

“In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning, I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.”  – Psalm 5:3

God sees. He knows. He cares. And, He loves me.

That will tide me over until He acts — or speaks again.

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Want more encouragement? Read Pregnant with Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples.

Are You at Rock Bottom?

My friend emailed me yesterday saying he is shocked by how abandoned he feels as he makes his way through infertility (and a host of other challenges).

He and his wife are struggling through a time that seems so dark and lonely, it is hard for them to remember what joy feels like.  Or rest.  Or peace.  Or comfort.  They are trying to keep their heads above water while drowning in despair.  For him, coping has become a battle between sarcasm and detachment.  For her, it is body surfing a tidal wave of grief.

He left me a voicemail later in the day saying he’s tired of being told to trust God.  The implication was, he no longer does.

What can I offer couples whose infertility – especially when compounded by other hardships – makes them feel helpless and hopeless?  What can I say to someone who is tired of hearing that God cares?

Nothing.

When someone hits the wall like this and falls in a heap on the ground, it’s not time to talk.  It’s time to listen.  It’s time to sit quietly, patiently, compassionately — and offer comfort simply by acknowledging their suffering and choosing to remain with them in it.

It is a very hard place to be:  feeling angry at God and invisible to Him.  Massively resentful and utterly ignored.  A psychological death spiral can begin when these feelings become confused with the Truth.

Despite how it feels, the truth is God has not turned His back on my friends’ struggles or hardened His heart to their pleas.  In fact, as a loving Father, it breaks His heart to watch them suffer.  But, He knows what they don’t see and can’t imagine:  this is for a purpose, and it shall pass.  The journey isn’t over and this is not the end of their story.

Despite what they feel, He will not give them more burden than they can bear.  He’s promised.  And He’s also promised, “I will never leave you or forsake you.”  His character will not let Him be other than who He is: a covenant-maker and a promise-keeper.

So, no matter how dark, how lonely, how angry, how bitter, how devastated, or how hopeless they feel, He has promised He will never leave them.  They can reject Him, but He will not abandon them.  No matter what they say in frustration, or what they do in despair, He promises, “I am with you always.”

My own journey is testimony to His faithfulness — as are the journeys of so many couples I’ve taught, met with, comforted and encouraged.  We are all witnesses to the truth that God is faithful, and He is with them.  One day, they will be witnesses, too.

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For more inspiration, resources and cause for hope, click this link

When It Rains, It Pours

It started while we were on vacation.  We’d saved all year to rent an ocean front room at La Jolla Beach & Tennis Club.  No one thought to tell us about the “June Gloom” until after we arrived.  That’s the dense fog that envelops the shoreline, the sky and everything gorgeous until midafternoon each day.  It should’ve been my first clue… but I was blissfully unaware of what was coming.

Several days into the trip, I got a call from my dad.  We chatted briefly and (thankfully) ended with “I love you.”  It was the last time I would ever talk to him; a week later, he died.

I flew to Atlanta for his funeral.  My mother asked me not to cry during the service, or afterwards.  “People need to feel they can express their condolences to us, and if we’re crying, they’ll feel awkward.”   I bottled up my grief – and when the service ended, I couldn’t stand.  The pain in my back was so intense it was nauseating.

Six months later, my mom – who had eloped at 20, and loved my Dad every day of her life – was diagnosed with leukemia.  The oncologist concluded that suppressing her grief was affecting her immune system.  “Get her to cry,” she advised, “or the leukemia will kill her.”

Awful as it was, this was just the beginning.

My husband and I met with an RE to discuss our lack of success conceiving.  He recommended we start with progesterone, Clomid and IUI.  That plan suddenly got more complicated when I had to leave my spouse, my home, and our only source of income to care for my mom as she underwent a bone marrow transplant — halfway across the country.

I flew to Seattle thinking:  one parent’s just died, the other’s fighting for her life, I’m so stressed my body is going haywire, and I’m leaving everything I need to get pregnant.  I’m going to have to guess when I’ll ovulate so I can book a flight to Chicago in time for a rushed IUI and a night with my lonely, tired, med school student husband before I race back to the cancer center for 24/7 bedside.  What is happening?!

Why was I so crazy about conceiving right then?  I don’t think it’s because we’d been trying on our own for a long time.  I guess it’s because it felt like the world was falling apart.  I’d lost control of everything – this wasn’t my script for my life – and somehow it seemed like the best possible time to experience some joy.  To reassure myself that “happily ever after” was more than a mirage.  To reclaim at least part of my dream for the future.

My Job-like journey continued for several more years.  It included multiple miscarriages, numerous surgeries, a cancer (mis)diagnosis, unneeded chemo, five months of bedrest, a premature birth, heart arrhythmias and defibrillation, my mother’s death, so many trips to the emergency room the intake nurse knew me on sight….

It went on, and on, and on.

By the grace of God, I made it.  I survived all of it.  And when I finally experienced my first “normal” day – no crises, no deaths, no trauma – I was overwhelmed with gratitude.  That’s the blessing of “when it rains, it pours” — gratitude so intense it leaves you in tears.

Our infertility journey was intertwined with so many other hard, horrible experiences.  I came face to face with several of my worst fears, and I realized that I was never in control.  I was always at the mercy of God’s grace.  And it never failed. I’m so, so thankful.

Life is hard, and God is good; that’s my “when it rains…” story in a nutshell.  Are you in the middle of a rainy season right now?  Hang in there.  I know life is hard, but God is good.

Hanging on by a Thread

Men rarely discuss infertility.  That’s why it’s so important and helpful for them to participate in support groups.  In this “safe” environment, they can expose feelings and share concerns they’d otherwise feel compelled to hide.

My husband had no such support group.  He had to struggle through infertility with no one but me to talk to about his questions, his fears, and his sense of frustration that he couldn’t “fix” our problem.  Now, as a psychiatrist, he specializes in helping people face their challenges head-on, confident in the knowledge that “all things work together for good” [Romans 8:28].

Over the past few weeks, I’ve shared with him some of the stories you have shared with me — and invited him to write a guest post in response.  Here’s what he wanted to say….

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As a New Year begins, thoughts often turn to hopes and plans for the future.  But, what is for many a time of eager anticipation can, instead, be a season of continued suffering for those battling infertility.

That’s the story of a young minister in Manchester, England.  Despite his strong faith, he is experiencing spiritual struggles following his wife’s recent miscarriage.  He finds himself obsessing over “Why?”

The loss of a pregnancy or death of a baby is one of the darkest points during the long night of infertility.  How do I know?  Because I’ve been there.  So have countless others.  Where can we turn for hope and inspiration during this time?

Scripture gives us the answer.  It tells us the disciples were overcome by grief and fear when  Jesus was captured, crucified and buried.  For them, the days following Jesus’ death were a period of great spiritual confusion and despair.

What a dramatic turn of events.  A few days earlier, they’d been celebrating Jesus’ return to Jerusalem with hope and excitement.  But his death left them believing their dream had died. Where was their faith?  Circumstances had led them to focus on unanswerable questions:  “Why is this happening to me?” and “What am I going to do now?”

In the midst of their despair and confusion, God acted.  Not on their timetable, but on His.  The resurrected Jesus stood before them (on several occasions) and renewed their hope.  What they had been sure they understood was not the end of the story.  There was no cause for despair; this was not defeat.  This was victory – in a way they could never have imagined!

The disciples’ story reveals the pattern of God’s intervention.  He allows our dreams to motivate us.  Then, when we realize we are powerless to bring them to pass, He lets them die and lets us grieve.  But then, he resurrects the dream in a new form – and He demonstrates His incredible love and power by realizing His dream for us in all its fullness, completeness and glory.

That’s the pattern Scripture reveals.  And, that’s God’s promise to us.

Many of you going through infertility may have had a period of initial joy when you got pregnant, only to see that feeling give way to despair following a miscarriage.  Like the disciples, you may feel like huddling in a spiritual corner, overwhelmed with fear and confusion.  You may believe you’re hanging onto faith by a thread.

Take heart in knowledge the disciples didn’t possess – the knowledge that God’s faithfulness will bring about your victory.  You may not see it or feel it, but it is coming.  Victory will be yours by the will of God.

Hitting Rock Bottom

My friend emailed me yesterday saying he is shocked by how abandoned he feels as he makes his way through infertility (and a host of other challenges).

He and his wife are struggling through a time that seems so dark and lonely, it is hard for them to remember what joy feels like.  Or rest.  Or peace.  Or comfort.  They are trying to keep their heads above water while drowning in despair.  For him, coping has become a battle between sarcasm and detachment.  For her, it is body surfing a tidal wave of grief.

He left me a voicemail later in the day saying he’s tired of being told to trust God.  The implication was, he no longer does.

What can I offer couples whose infertility – especially when compounded by other hardships – makes them feel helpless and hopeless?  What can I say to someone who is tired of hearing that God cares?

Nothing.

When someone hits the wall like this and falls in a heap on the ground, it’s not time to talk.  It’s time to listen.  It’s time to sit quietly, patiently, compassionately — and offer comfort simply by acknowledging their suffering and choosing to remain with them in it.

It is a very hard place to be:  feeling angry at God and invisible to Him.  Massively resentful and utterly ignored.  A psychological death spiral can begin when these feelings become confused with the Truth.

Despite how it feels, the truth is God has not turned His back on my friends’ struggles or hardened His heart to their pleas.  In fact, as a loving Father, it breaks His heart to watch them suffer.  But, He knows what they don’t see and can’t imagine:  this is for a purpose, and it shall pass.  The journey isn’t over and this is not the end of their story.

Despite what they feel, He will not give them more burden than they can bear.  He’s promised.  And He’s also promised, “I will never leave you or forsake you.”  His character will not let Him be other than who He is: a covenant-maker and a promise-keeper.

So, no matter how dark, how lonely, how angry, how bitter, how devastated, or how hopeless they feel, He has promised He will never leave them.  They can reject Him, but He will not abandon them.  No matter what they say in frustration, or what they do in despair, He promises, “I am with you always.”

My own journey is testimony to His faithfulness — as are the journeys of so many couples I’ve taught, met with, comforted and encouraged.  We are all witnesses to the truth that God is faithful, and He is with them.  One day, they will be witnesses, too.

===================================================

For more inspiration, resources and cause for hope, click this link

Devastated by Loss? Listen to This…

Sarah is a triplet who was six months into her pregnancy when she lost the baby, not long ago.  After a funeral, which her two pregnant sisters attended, Sarah and her husband tried to return to life as normal.  But nothing about losing a baby feels normal.

So, when Sarah’s due date approached, she and her husband headed to Mexico.  At the last minute, she decided to bring a copy of Pregnant with Hope.  She hadn’t struggled with infertility and wasn’t at all sure the book would speak to her, but something made her want to bring it anyway.

She called her mother from the airport a week later.  She sounded truly good for the first time since the baby’s death.  They were back from Mexico, she said, and she couldn’t wait to share some news.  She had read the book while they were there, learned about taking negative thoughts captive, and finally felt some peace.  She was starting to move out of the darkness that accompanied her devastating loss, and beginning to believe she would survive.

God is so faithful.  He knows what we need and when we need it.  He delivers messages of hope and grace to us through the most unexpected sources.  When life is painfully difficult, we are tempted to assume that He is absent – or worse, utterly unconcerned.  The opposite is actually true.  He draws nearer to us, seeking to comfort us in our fragile brokenness.

Losing a baby opens a black hole of despair that makes it hard to think clearly, much less hear God speak to us.  He understands.  So, He sends people to speak words of blessing, mercy and peace over us.  If we can’t – or won’t – hear those, He does not stop trying.  He finds other ways to speak to us.  For Sarah, it was a book from a family friend that materialized just before she left for a quiet, peaceful place.  She began reading, and God whispered the words she needed to hear straight into her heart.

Are you like Sarah – struggling to recover from a heartbreaking loss?  You may not feel able to let anyone near your heart, but God is waiting for the right moment to deliver words of comfort.  He is waiting for you to be still and listen.  Then, He will speak to you in a way you can hear.

When you agree to listen for His voice, you open your mind and heart to timeless truths that can renew your spirit.  You say “yes” to moving out of darkness and into the light He brings.  His words can heal your wounds, and nourish the seed of hope He planted in your heart long ago with sustenance only He can give.

He does not intend for your hope to die.

The Bible says, “No one who trusts God like this – heart and soul – will ever regret it.  It’s exactly the same no matter what a person’s religious background may be:  the same God for all of us, acting the same incredibly generous way to everyone who calls out for help.  Everyone who calls, ‘Help, God!’ gets help.”

Are you grieving?  Do you sense that your dream of becoming a parent is slowly dying?  Listen for the God who deeply desires to comfort you, and ask Him to whisper words that give you peace.

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Find more cause for hope & helpful resources at PregnantWithHope.com

Infertility, Loss and Peace

Sarah is a triplet who was six months into her pregnancy when she lost the baby, a few months ago.  After a funeral, which her two pregnant sisters attended, Sarah and her husband tried to return to life as normal.  But nothing about losing a baby feels normal.  So, when Sarah’s due date approached, she and her husband headed to Mexico.  At the last minute, she decided to bring a copy of Pregnant with Hope.  She hadn’t struggled with infertility and wasn’t at all sure the book would speak to her, but something made her want to bring it anyway.

She called her mother from the airport a week later.  She sounded good for the first time since the baby’s death.  They were back from Mexico, she said, and she couldn’t wait to share some news.  She had read the book while they were there, learned about taking negative thoughts captive, and finally felt some peace.  She was starting to move out of the darkness that accompanied her devastating loss, and beginning to believe she would survive.

Wow.

God is so faithful.  He knows what we need and when we need it.  He delivers messages of hope and grace to us through the most unexpected sources.  When life is painfully difficult, we are tempted to assume that He is absent – or worse, utterly unconcerned.  The opposite is actually true.  He draws nearer to us, seeking to comfort us in our fragile brokenness.

Losing a baby opens a black hole of despair that makes it hard to think clearly, much less hear God speak to us.  He understands.  So, He sends people to speak words of blessing, mercy and peace over us.  If we can’t – or won’t – hear those, He does not stop trying.  He finds other ways to speak to us.  For Sarah, it was a book from a family friend that materialized just before she left for a quiet, peaceful place.  She began reading, and God whispered the words she needed to hear straight into her heart.

Are you like Sarah – struggling to recover from a heartbreaking loss?  You may not feel able to let anyone near your heart, but God is waiting for the right moment to deliver words of comfort.  He is waiting for you to be still and listen.  Then, He will speak to you in a way you can hear.

When you agree to listen for His voice, you open your mind and heart to timeless truths that can renew your spirit.  You say “yes” to moving out of darkness and into the light He brings.  His words can heal your wounds, and nourish the seed of hope He planted in your heart long ago with sustenance only He can give.  He does not intend for your hope to die.

The Bible says, “No one who trusts God like this – heart and soul – will ever regret it.  It’s exactly the same no matter what a person’s religious background may be:  the same God for all of us, acting the same incredibly generous way to everyone who calls out for help.  Everyone who calls, ‘Help, God!’ gets help [Romans 10:12].

Are you grieving?  Do you sense that your dream of becoming a parent is slowly dying?  Listen for the God who deeply desires to comfort you, and ask Him to whisper words that give you peace.

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com [tweetmeme source=”pregnantwhope” only_single=false]