Lessons from a Do-Over

I just spent six weeks recovering from major surgery.  In many ways, it was a surreal journey through familiar territory I had hoped to forget.

When our son was born prematurely, I lost a lot of blood during the delivery – so much that I (temporarily) lost my vision.  My brain was shutting down non-essential functions to try to save my life.  I heard the doctors yelling at my husband to get out of the OR, calling for bags of blood to transfuse me, and asking me how much pain I felt while prepping me for emergency surgery.

I couldn’t see anything, but I heard the urgency in their voices.  I kept asking, “What’s wrong?  Why can’t I see?  What’s happening?”  Instead of answers, they responded with frantic questions of their own:  “Can you feel this?  Does this hurt?  Can you see now?  What’s her pulse ox?  Where’s the blood?  Are we ready?”

Thankfully, the surgeons did their job well.  I survived — as did the baby who was born that day.  But, the doctors told me that, somewhere down the road, they’d need to do more surgery.  Their sole focus that day had been keeping me alive.  They hadn’t worried about future function, sensation or appearance.  So, at some point, they’d need to operate again – to repair some things, reconfigure some things, redo some things – in order to return my body to normal.

That’s the surgery I just had.

Here’s why it was such a gift….   It felt like a do-over.  Like a second chance to experience that day, but to do so mindful of God’s faithfulness.

Here’s what I mean.  Six weeks ago, I was waiting in pre-op for a nurse to put in multiple IV lines (my veins are tiny, so it frequently takes 4 or 5 sticks to get a line in).  I dreaded this part of the process and knew I had to keep myself calm.  I was cold and shivering – adrenaline, no doubt – and suddenly I remembered how cold I was that day in the delivery room, lying on the table unable to see.

I could feel fear rising in me, threatening to become panic.  So, I started humming “Peace Like a River” — like a little kid whistling in the dark.  And guess what?  It actually worked.  My shivering slowed and I could feel my body begin to relax.  Nurses hustled back and forth outside my pre-op room, but no one bothered to check on me.  No one came with needles and IV lines.  So, I kept humming.

I closed my eyes, trying to visualize peace like a river.  Soothing.  Flowing.  Making its way from the Source to me, and back again.  Then, love like an ocean.  Vast.  Powerful.  Endless.  And joy like a fountain.  Constantly overflowing.  I hummed, and hummed, and hummed some more.

Gradually, my effort to calm myself became an impromptu worship service.  Tears came to my eyes as I thanked God for walking with me through the darkest days of our journey (peace), for the lives of our children and the strength of our marriage (love), and our hope for the future (joy).

I could feel His presence and His delight in my gratitude.  I was headed for surgery, but all was well.  I could let go of fear and walk through this focused on His goodness and faithfulness.  And He would walk with me.

I won’t lie to you.  I threw up (repeatedly) when I came out of the anesthesia.  I didn’t meet the criteria for discharge, so they admitted me to the hospital.  My belly was as big as if I’d just delivered, and it took weeks before I could quit taking Motrin for pain.  But, I felt that peace wrapped around me like a blanket.

And now?  I’m fine.  And God is good.  What I had dreaded – and repeatedly postponed – turned out to be a reminder that I only need to invite God to be present in my struggles, and He will be.  Always.  Bringing peace, love and even joy to the journey.

Invite Him to do it for you, too.

When the Church Fails

Rightly or wrongly, many of us view ministers/pastors/priests/clergy (whatever you want to call them) as an embodiment of the church.  We unconsciously expect them to exhibit a Christlikeness that the rest of us only aspire to, and to do so – especially to do so – when life is hard, when our faith falters, and when doubt whispers to us, “Don’t believe.”

We look to these men and women to model the obstacle-surmounting faith we want and need to survive the journey through infertility.

But sometimes, the church fails.

My husband had an experience yesterday that reminded us both that even the best, most respected ministers can fall far short of our expectations.  They can momentarily lose sight of God’s will and purpose — and their responsibility to inspire us to follow their example.  When they do, they can profoundly disappoint us.  In response, we’re tempted to turn our backs on what feels like a sham.  A pretense.  An every Sunday dog and pony show that’s actually make-believe.

Of course, Satan loves when church leaders fail.  When they refuse to acknowledge their own limitations, doubts, struggles, shortcomings or uncertainties.  Why?  Because he knows “God opposes the proud” – and it’s pride that keeps clergy from admitting their imperfections.  Whether it’s because they want to maintain a mystique or fulfill unspoken expectations, their unwillingness to admit that they don’t always know how to minister to us cripples their ministry – and sometimes, our faith.

Many infertile couples leave the church as a result.

But here’s the thing to understand:  even when the church – through its leaders and its congregants – fails to be compassionate, honest, transparent or accountable, God doesn’t fail.   He hasn’t.  And He won’t.

The truth is, only Christ can be fully Christlike.  Only He has ever walked in faith at all times, and through all circumstances.  The rest of us?  Feet of clay.  As Scripture declares,  “[We] all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”  We’re all imperfect – most especially, those of us who stand in the pulpit and preach Christlikeness while failing to walk the talk.

Is that hypocrisy frustrating for infertile couples?  You bet.  Alienating?  Definitely.  Unforgiveable?  No.  Why?  Because that’s the tension between who we all are and who God calls us to be.

It is journeys like the one through infertility that help us grow in faith — in the process, narrowing the gap between who we are and who we can be:  Stronger believers.  More humble, better equipped, growing in gratitude and increasingly ready to parent the children God has planned for us.

That’s one of infertility’s blessings-in-disguise.

So, remember:  Though the church may fail you, Christ never fails.  He has promised to comfort, strengthen, and guide you.  He has committed to pray for you, grieve with you, and give you hope.  He shows you through Scripture what is possible by faith in the God “through whom all things are possible.”  He never, ever fails.

Build your faith upon this rock.

An Egg Donor’s Perspective

What makes someone want to be an egg donor?  It’s a complicated, painful, time-consuming process that is not without risk.  Is it for the money?  For ego reasons?  Tia Swanger agreed to share her story.  If you are an infertile couple considering egg donation, it may give you some peace.

Thirteen years ago, Tia was a preschool teacher on maternity leave.  She hadn’t expected becoming a parent to be much of a change from her role as a teacher.  But, “I was wrong!  Having the baby changed us.  We saw how the miracle of life brings God close to you.”

One day, she noticed a newspaper ad soliciting egg donors.  “I read what it said about infertility, and I  started thinking about how sad it was that someone could want a child and not be able to have one.  I realized I could help someone have what I have – and feel what I feel  – and I wanted to do that.  I felt like God was calling me to do that.”  She talked to her husband about it.  “Jeff said, ‘If you feel led to do this, you need to do this.’”  So, she called the clinic.

“It was a huge process,” she said.  There were tests and screenings, a psychiatric evaluation, two shots a day, side effects (that, for her, would include leukopenia),  “plus, I had to find someone to watch the baby, we didn’t live anywhere near the clinic, and…  it was definitely a challenge.”

One day, an unidentified couple requested photos of Tia and her baby.  Then, they requested additional genetic testing.  “I did whatever they wanted, and everything came back perfect,” Tia said.  “There were never names or faces.  No information about them.  But then, I got a letter.  It said, ‘Dear Donor, Thank you!  After 14 years of infertility…!'”  It said the father had received a heart transplant, so this was not the family’s first experience receiving a gift of life.

“I read that letter,” recalled Tia, “and I prayed, ‘Please God, let this happen for them.’  I never heard another word.  I prayed and I hoped… but I’ll never know.  In my heart, I feel it was successful.  ”

Did Tia ever regret giving away a part of herself?  “I had no issues with that.  Ever.  I’m not the mother of that child.  I’m not holding that child’s hand and walking them to the bus; that’s the mother.  I’m not comforting them, helping them when they’re hurt, loving them every day; that’s the mother.  I’m just a way for someone to become a mother.”

Can she understand why someone might worry about using an egg donor?  “Sure, but there’s a bigger picture to consider.  It may not be your flesh, but that baby will call you ‘Mama.’  When you hold that bundle of joy, it will supersede all your preconceived notions.  A baby bonds, and it knows no one but you as the mother.  It doesn’t matter to that baby what the genetics are.  It just knows love.”

What advice would Tia offer infertile couples considering egg donation?  “Look inside yourself.  Ask, ‘Why do I want a baby?  Is it to have a part of me walking around in the world, or to share a life?’  It shouldn’t matter to you whose genes these are.  Once you love this child as your own, that won’t matter.  This child will be yours.”

Tia will never meet the child(ren) her egg(s) helped conceive, and she has complete peace about it.  “I think about it every now and then, but not a lot.  What I did was God’s will, not mine.  I was obedient to the calling, and what a privilege.  I never felt afraid, just like – a job’s got to be done, so you do it.  End of story.  Some people might question my decision, but if I know it’s God’s will, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do.  Nothing.”

The Bible says, “… serve the Lord with gladness.”  Tia did, and through her, God gave the gift of an egg to a couple longing to steward a little soul.

Might He intend to bring a child into the life of your family the same way?  If so, may the story of Tia’s selfless gift — given in response to God’s tug on her heart — bring you peace.

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

God Always Goes First

When I tell couples what I mean by saying they are “pregnant with hope,” they want to believe God’s made them a promise. But often, they aren’t sure whether to trust Him – even if He has. Do you feel the same way? Eager to receive a promise from God, but unsure whether to believe it even if you do?

Then look again at the story of God’s people just before they crossed into the Promised Land.

God spoke directly to Moses and told him to tell the people:  “I have given you this land.” It sure didn’t look that way. The land God referred to was already inhabited. The warriors who lived there had built walled cities, and they themselves were giants. In the natural, nothing about that looked encouraging. Still, Moses assured the people, God had made a promise and He would not fail to fulfill it. They could see their future, but only by faith.

As they approached the land God had promised, Moses gave battle instructions direct from God:  “I have given into your hand Sihon the Amorite, king of Heshbon, and his country. I have begun to deliver him and his country over to you. Now, [you] begin to conquer….”

Notice something. God went first. Before the people entered the promise, He had already prepared the way. From His perspective, the battle was already underway and nearly won. God didn’t say, ‘I will fulfill My promise’ – He said, ‘I have begun to.’ In other words, ‘I have preceded you in thought and action.’ God went before His people – into the future He had planned for them – and set in motion all He had promised before they ever began their battle.

That’s what God still does today.

He makes promises to those whom He loves, and He sets the fulfillment of those promises in motion. Then, He expects us to step out boldly, into a future we can see only by faith, and do our part in making it so. He doesn’t do it all for us. If we choose to sit back, hedge our bets, indulge our fears, and wait and see, the promise may not be fulfilled. He has given us a role to play.

As in scripture, our faith determines our future.

Does that worry you? It doesn’t need to. I believe it’s cause for hope. Why? Because notice this: only after ‘God has’ are we expected to ‘begin to.’ Only after He has promised us a future filled with hope and blessings [Jeremiah 29:11], only after He has demonstrated His love for us through Christ who died for us, only after He has proven His faithfulness in a thousand ways – many of which we take for granted or ignore, only then are we expected to begin to trust His purposefulness, to believe that His plan is His very best for us, and to step out in faith.

God always goes first.

Do you believe He’s made you a promise since you are “pregnant with hope”? Do you want to see His promise fulfilled? Then act on the belief that He is a promise-keeper. Lean into trusting that He is part of your infertility story.  Count on Him to use every aspect of this journey to bless you, strengthen you, and prepare you for the future He has planned for you.

Claim His promise and step out in faith. The Promised Land is not nearly as far off as you may think.

Getting to the Promised Land

When the words “Every one of you is already pregnant with hope” first slipped out of my mouth at a Bible study for infertile couples, every woman in the room turned to stare at me.  What did I mean?  What did I know that they didn’t know?  Was there cause for hope?   Was “pregnant with hope” a step toward becoming a parent?

As they waited for me to say more, I begged God for help:  ‘They want answers.  What do I say now?!’

Any time I’ve reflected back on that moment, I’ve remembered the mild panic I felt when I realized I had voiced what I’d been thinking.  I’d resisted saying anything aloud because, as a guest at the Bible study, I didn’t want to draw attention to myself.  But, God wanted me to draw attention to Him.  He wanted me to confidently proclaim His faithfulness.  So, He nudged me until the words leaped from my lips:  “You are already pregnant with hope.”  And then, He delivered.

Within a year, 100% of the couples in that group conceived or adopted  – and Pregnant with Hope was born.

I thought about that moment again this morning – of knowing deep in my spirit that God had made a promise He intended to keep, and telling that to people who were hungry for good news – but saw it from an entirely different perspective.  I was reading about Moses sending twelve scouts to explore the Promised Land, and I was struck by the parallel to this particular moment in the infertility journey.

God instructed Moses to send the men to explore the land “which I am giving….”  In other words, God made clear that the land would be theirs.  Even so, when the men returned, ten of the twelve delivered negative reports.  Yes, it looked desirable and yes, they’d love to live there – BUT….  It wouldn’t be easy, they predicted.  There would be opposition, they feared.  They were intimidated, they admitted.  And this wasn’t a sure thing, they concluded.  Bottom line:  Their desire and God’s promise weren’t enough to overcome their lack of faith.  They predicted failure.

But, two of the ten scouts disagreed.  They were unconditionally enthused.  They wanted God’s best, they knew it had been promised, and they were ready to march into their future confident that it held victory.

Guess who made it to the Promised Land?  Only those two scouts.  The ones who followed God’s leading, trusted His promise, and believed “which I am giving” meant “It will be so.”  They did not choose to focus on fear, but on faith.  And it made all the difference.  God rewarded those who chose to believe in His faithfulness.  And those who did not?  They got what they expected:  disappointment.

I firmly believe there is a moment in every infertility journey when God makes a promise and plants it as a seed of hope in our hearts.  What determines whether that seed will grow into a promise fulfilled?  Whether our hearts are fertile soil.  Whether we are ready to believe His word over what we imagine could defeat us.  Whether we are willing to trust Him over what we see and know others fear.

As with the Promised Land scouts, our faith plays a decisive role in deciding our journey’s destination.  That’s not a message of blame; it’s a word of hope.  You can trust the One who knows exactly where your Promised Land is — and how to get there.  It has always been His intention to lead you there, and to delight In your arrival.

Are you ready to move forward with confident hope?