Waiting for God’s Best

“Are you willing to wait for God’s best?”

That question evokes very strong responses among infertile couples.  Many get angry or tearful at the thought of ongoing uncertainty.  Most will say they’re willing to wait – but for how long?  What’s the point of waiting?  Does God have a purpose?  Is His best that much better than “good enough… and now”?  Will there ever be a baby?

Underlying the impatience is rapidly-growing worry over increasingly difficult questions.  What does it mean to be singled-out for suffering?  How long will this grief continue?  Why is everyone else able to have a baby?  Where is God in all this?  And why doesn’t anyone seem to have satisfying  answers?

One of the hardest things about infertility is feeling simultaneously set apart and afraid.  Stigma and fear of failure generate an intense desire for privacy, but the result is often deep loneliness and an unsatisfied hunger for hope.

One of the blessings of the infertility Bible study group is the freedom to express feelings and ask questions within a supportive community.  Everyone understands the struggle.

If you were to join us, here’s what you’d hear.  These are actual quotes from women in the group, used here with permission:

1. “I know God is there, but I don’t understand why it’s taking so long.”
2. “I’m mad at God that He won’t give us a healthy baby.  I can’t understand:  if He has the capability of giving us a healthy baby, why won’t He?”
3. “I’ve been thinking, “A baby is a baby; give it to me now.”  I have no patience  that’s all I can think about.”
4. “You wonder, why God?  And you think, what else can we do?  What have we done that’s so wrong?”
5. “I wonder, ‘Why?  What did I do wrong before marriage, or during marriage?’”
6. “I keep thinking, why doesn’t God think I should be one of the ones to conceive?”

The men in the group share equally strong feelings about the frustration and uncertainty of waiting for God’s best, but they’re more likely to express their feelings in terms of anger.   They say things like these [again actual quotes, used with permission]:

1. “Why isn’t God giving me kids of my own?  That’s what I ask myself.”
2. “I am angry at God.  We sincerely want to be parents.  We feel like we’re ready.  We don’t understand why God isn’t ready for us to be parents.”
3. “I feel abandoned by God.”
4. “We’re going to church and going through the motions, but I’m not getting any traction.”
5. “Sometimes, it’s like, ‘You’re not doing me right, God.  This just isn’t right.  What did we do to deserve this?’”
6. “I sure am close to being angry at God.  I don’t understand at all.  I mean, what is going on here?!”

It is not only healthy and appropriate to share feelings like this with people who understand the infertility journey, it’s essential.

As Trey said, “You can’t take it all on yourself.  But with infertility, it’s very common to keep it private and not open up.  I think it’s critical to have support.  For us, that was huge.  It’s so important to surround yourself with people who understand and can relate.”

Why?  Because you can’t change your feelings about this experience until you see the connection to your thoughts.  Thoughts determine feelings, actions, and even outcomes.  If your thoughts are consistently anxious and self-focused — When will it happen for me?  Why is everyone able to get pregnant but me?  — you will constantly be filled with worry, feeling helpless and hopeless.

If, instead, you choose to dwell on different thoughts — God has promised His best to those who trust Him, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” — you will begin to feel and act differently.  You will find peace in the midst of uncertainty.  And that can transform the journey.

It’s a moment-by-moment battle to take negative thoughts captive, and one worth fighting.  Surround yourself with people who understand… people who are fighting the same fight you are.  Encourage and inspire one another.  And in God’s perfect time, you will emerge victorious.

====================================================

*Every person quoted here is now a parent.  It can happen for you, too.  If you’re not in a group, find one or start one; the PregnantWithHope website tells you how.

====================================================

For more resources and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com.

Now What?

I’ve realized I’m entering one of those seasons when I can sense change coming, but I don’t know yet what’s going to be different.

I’ve had the feeling for a while that I should be holding everything loosely — my time, my priorities, my commitments, my family, our things, our money, our dreams… All of it.  Everything that consumes my thoughts, requires my effort, and fills my days so full, so quickly that they seem to melt into one another and move past me in waves.  I’m supposed to let go of all of it and wait for a clear sense of what’s next.

Honestly, I’m not sure what that might be.  A new book to write?  A new group to lead?  A completely new assignment from the God who’s kept me very busy for the past few years?  Or, is it simply time to rest?  To do less, and (just) be more?  I don’t know, but it’s time to find out.

The only thing that’s clear to me right now is that I need to quiet my inner voice, so that I can hear God’s more clearly.  I need to carve out some Sabbath time to listen, and try to be more patient than I am naturally as I wait for clearer understanding:  Now what?

In the meantime, I’ll re-run some of the most popular (i.e. widely-read) posts from the past year.  Even if you read them the first time I posted them, I encourage you to ask God to show you something new and to draw you deeper into a trusting, peace-giving relationship with Him.

For starters, here’s a post from last spring….

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In a recent study of 200 women, a high correlation was found between those who said they were religious and those with low rates of anxiety/depression during fertility treatment.  Lower rates of depression and anxiety correlate to higher pregnancy rates.  So, it stands to reason that spiritual women should have more pregnancies.

In the beginning, when couples walk through the door to the infertility Bible study, the men look apprehensive, and the women, fragile to the point of tears.  But that changes.  Over the course of the study, they come to realize the wisdom of letting go of (the illusion of) control.  They learn the value of being still and listening for God.  And with that understanding comes peace in the midst of uncertainty.

I can literally see the change occur.  Body language goes from self-protective – arms crossed, gazes averted, huddled close to their spouse – to open, relaxed, and receptive.  The real change is occurring in the spirit, but it is reflected in the unspoken language of the body.  That change indicates God’s growing presence, which creates new possibilities.

So, is the study right in its prediction that these increasingly spiritual women have more pregnancies?  I’d have to say, yes.  And no.  Yes, because experience has shown me—again and again and again—that those who see infertility as an invitation to draw nearer to God, and who respond to that invitation, are likely to become parents.  But no, because sometimes the result is not a pregnancy; sometimes, it is an adoption.

Here’s the important thing:  that is no less a miracle.

I don’t say that as a Pollyanna.  I’m not advocating, “be happy about failure,” or “suck it up and compromise.”  I’m saying, make a paradigm shift.  Recognize that, sometimes, God calls couples to steward a soul who comes into their life in a different way than they might have expected.  That’s not defeat; that’s a different plan for victory.  And it is no less a gift.

Are those couples disappointed?  Truthfully?

“Alumni” couples often return to the Bible study to talk to current participants about their experiences.  One entire class is devoted to hearing from adoptive parents.  They speak with conviction about their certainty that their particular child belongs with them:  “God chose him for us,” “We knew as soon as we held her that she was meant to be our daughter.”  In some cases, they also share stories of the effect the adoption had on the birth parent(s).

With loving grace, I suggest to you:  let go of your vision of how this story will unfold, and when.  Give God as much room as possible to work in your story.  He wants to give you His very best.  He wants to create a pinwheel of blessing, and it may touch souls you don’t even know.

Will you make way for that possibility?

Stepping Out In Faith

Recently, a reporter asked if she could interview me about the story behind Pregnant with Hope. She wanted to hear about our infertility journey, and  about how that led to a growing outreach ministry that delivers help and hope to infertile couples around the world.

I hope you’ll take a few minutes to watch the video — and then, forward it to someone you know who might need a word of encouragement or a change of perspective on infertility.

Who knows? Maybe one day you’ll have a chance to share your own story of God’s goodness and faithfulness. If so, jump at the opportunity! I’m convinced that’s part of how we say, ‘thank you, Lord.’

 

Catholic & Infertile: What to Do?

Karen was Catholic.  Mark was agnostic.  Both grew up believing that their perspective on religion was the truth.  They had very different upbringings (in part, because of their parents’ divergent beliefs), but they set aside those differences when they met in college, in favor of mutual respect.  Each accepted the others’ right to believe what they wanted.

When they married – despite the opposition of Karen’s family – they planned to wait a while before actively trying to start a family.  That plan changed when Karen got pregnant, shortly after the honeymoon.

“We had our daughter less than a year after we got married,” Karen said.  “My parents thought that was great.  I’m from a large family, and that’s what they expected we’d have.  Lots of kids.  But I wanted to focus on my career.  So, without telling them, Mark and I started using birth control.  Of course, the Catholic church is totally against it – so whenever I’d go, I’d confess.  Mark thought that was ridiculous.”

“Who cares what the priest thinks about us using birth control?” Mark interrupted.  “That’s not his business.  I thought the whole thing about doing penance for making a responsible choice was crazy.”

“But it mattered to me,” Karen insisted.  “I felt guilty, but not guilty enough to stop using it.  This was my solution.  It let me do what we felt was right for us, and still believe that God was forgiving me.  Then, we decided to have a second child – and we couldn’t.  After 18 months of trying with no success, I went to my Ob/Gyn.  She referred me to [an infertility clinic].”

“We didn’t go for months,” Mark said.  “She was convinced this was punishment from God — that we sinned by using birth control, and now this was how we’d have to pay for it.  We started arguing about it – about church, about going to the doctor, about having more kids.  All of it.  She quit going to church.  She was crying all the time.  I was getting angrier and angrier….”

“That’s when a friend told me about this group at her church for infertile couples.  We started going and felt such incredible support.  It was exactly what we needed.”

“Hearing other couples’ stories was great,” Mark recalled.  “It convinced us that everything we were arguing about and going through was normal. And the book helped Karen a lot.”

“It did!  All these bible verses and stories I’d heard before, but with no judgment.  Just insights and great questions to talk about.”

“She started journaling, writing things in the margins of the book, and at the ends of the chapters.  She was leaving Post-It notes all over the house with these quotes — they were pretty different from what she’d always heard in the Catholic church.”

“One of the best discussions,” Karen said, “was about Romans and the verse that says ‘nothing can separate us from God’s love for us’ – not our parents’ disapproval, not condemnation from the church, not rigid doctrine, not judgment we feel from the priest, or edicts given by the pope.  That was great.  We talked about how the feelings, and thoughts, and experiences that are part of the infertility process can make people feel separated from God’s love — but they can’t really separate us.”

So, how did their story unfold?

“Three months after we finished the class, we decided to do IVF,” Karen said.  “We never could have done it without all the support we felt from the other couples.”

“Karen got pregnant with Matthew, and left her church,” summarized Mark, “and we started going to the church where we’d gone to the group.  I was baptized there two months ago – with Matthew.”

What did they learn from their journey?

“The God Karen grew up with – who I never wanted anything to do with – isn’t actually the God in the bible.  This journey taught us both about a God we didn’t know.  And we might never have known Him, if it hadn’t been for infertility.”

“I agree,” Karen said.  “Everything happens for a reason.  That was the reason for us.”

Infertile Couples’ Thoughts on Waiting for God’s Best

“Are you willing to wait for God’s best?”

That question evokes very strong responses among infertile couples.  Many get angry or tearful at the thought of ongoing uncertainty.  Most will say they’re willing to wait – but for how long?  What’s the point of waiting?  Does God have a purpose?  Is His best that much better than “good enough… and now”?  Will there ever be a baby?

Underlying the impatience is rapidly-growing worry over increasingly difficult questions.  What does it mean to be singled-out for suffering?  How long will this grief continue?  Why is everyone else able to have a baby?  Where is God in all this?  And why doesn’t anyone seem to have satisfying  answers?

One of the hardest things about infertility is feeling simultaneously set apart and afraid.  Stigma and fear of failure generate an intense desire for privacy, but the result is often deep loneliness and an unsatisfied hunger for hope.

One of the blessings of the infertility Bible study group is the freedom to express feelings and ask questions within a supportive community.  Everyone understands the struggle.

If you were to join us, here’s what you’d hear.  These are actual quotes from women in the group, used here with permission:

1. “I know God is there, but I don’t understand why it’s taking so long.”
2. “I’m mad at God that He won’t give us a healthy baby.  I can’t understand:  if He has the capability of giving us a healthy baby, why won’t He?”
3. “I’ve been thinking, “A baby is a baby; give it to me now.”  I have no patience  that’s all I can think about.”
4. “You wonder, why God?  And you think, what else can we do?  What have we done that’s so wrong?”
5. “I wonder, ‘Why?  What did I do wrong before marriage, or during marriage?’”
6. “I keep thinking, why doesn’t God think I should be one of the ones to conceive?”

The men in the group share equally strong feelings about the frustration and uncertainty of waiting for God’s best, but they’re more likely to express their feelings in terms of anger.   They say things like these [again actual quotes, used with permission]:

1. “Why isn’t God giving me kids of my own?  That’s what I ask myself.”
2. “I am angry at God.  We sincerely want to be parents.  We feel like we’re ready.  We don’t understand why God isn’t ready for us to be parents.”
3. “I feel abandoned by God.”
4. “We’re going to church and going through the motions, but I’m not getting any traction.”
5. “Sometimes, it’s like, ‘You’re not doing me right, God.  This just isn’t right.  What did we do to deserve this?’”
6. “I sure am close to being angry at God.  I don’t understand at all.  I mean, what is going on here?!”

It is not only healthy and appropriate to share feelings like this with people who understand the infertility journey, it’s essential.

As Trey said, “You can’t take it all on yourself.  But with infertility, it’s very common to keep it private and not open up.  I think it’s critical to have support.  For us, that was huge.  It’s so important to surround yourself with people who understand and can relate.”

Why?  Because you can’t change your feelings about this experience until you see the connection to your thoughts.  Thoughts determine feelings, actions, and even outcomes.  If your thoughts are consistently anxious and self-focused — When will it happen for me?  Why is everyone able to get pregnant but me?  — you will constantly be filled with worry, feeling helpless and hopeless.

If, instead, you choose to dwell on different thoughts — God has promised His best to those who trust Him, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” — you will begin to feel and act differently.  You will find peace in the midst of uncertainty.  And that can transform the journey.

It’s a moment-by-moment battle to take negative thoughts captive, and one worth fighting.  Surround yourself with people who understand… people who are fighting the same fight you are.  Encourage and inspire one another.  And in God’s perfect time, you will emerge victorious.

====================================================

*Every person quoted here is now a parent.  It can happen for you, too.  If you’re not in a group, find one or start one; the PregnantWithHope website tells you how.

====================================================

For more resources and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com.

Pregnant With Hope: Behind-the-Scenes

Periodically, people ask me how or why I wrote Pregnant with Hope. What made me decide to invest so much time and effort in getting these messages to couples struggling with infertility?  The best answer I can give is that it was never my plan; it was always God’s.

Pregnant with Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples came into being in response to an invitation I received to lead an infertility Bible study.  I’d thought I was dropping in on a group of infertile couples to offer an encouraging word…once… and then leave.  But God had other plans.

When I was asked to lead their class, I prayed about it.  Did I have anything to offer?  Anything meaningful to say that would deliver genuine help and hope?  The spirit of God answered me with a hailstorm of ideas – more in a few hours than I could have generated in months!  Those ideas sorted themselves into ten compelling messages which became the basis for the class — and later, the book.

The couples who came to that class were hanging onto hope by the slimmest of threads.  They were desperate for anything that could convince them that God wasn’t punishing them but was, in fact, drawing near to them and fulfilling His plan for their lives — and the lives of their yet-to-be-born children.  I showed up, and God did the rest.

Fast forward several years….

Those couples are now “alumni.”  They’ve all conceived or adopted (100% of them!), and they lead other couples through the same journey, using Pregnant with Hope as their guide.  The wonderful thing is that there was never anything special about me leading the group.  It was our decision to proceed in God-honoring ways that delighted God and — I believe — led Him to choose to bless every couple with a child.

God keeps nudging me forward, to spread words of hope to more people.  That’s how this blog was “born,” and the website, too.  People are using it in amazing ways.  New groups are forming — locally, and around the country.  Hospitals have embraced the book as a way to give comfort and renew hope for couples who’ve experienced a loss.  And, media coverage has helped spread the word that there is cause for hope in the midst of infertility!

I hope the messages God’s led me to deliver are helpful to you.  If you ever want to suggest a blog topic or share your story, I’d love to hear from you:  susan@pregnantwithhope.com.

Remember… God is so near to you.  If you invite Him into your story, and let Him show you His incredible love, I promise it will alter the course of your infertility journey — and your life.

blessings always,

Susan

Infertility and Kryptonite

“Are you willing to wait for God’s best?”  That question is like Kryptonite for infertile couples.

Many get angry or tearful at the thought of uncertainty.  Most will say they’re willing to wait – but for how long?  What’s the point of waiting?  Does God have a purpose?  Is His best that much better than good enough… and now?  Will there ever be a baby?

Underlying the impatience is rapidly growing worry over increasingly difficult questions.  What does it mean to be singled-out for suffering?  How long will this grief continue?  Why is everyone else able to have a baby?  Where is God in all this?  And why doesn’t anyone seem to have satisfying  answers?

One of the hardest things about infertility is feeling simultaneously set apart and afraid.  Stigma and fear of failure generate an intense desire for privacy, but the result is often deep loneliness and an unsatisfied hunger for hope.

One of the blessings of the infertility Bible study group is the freedom to express feelings and ask questions within a supportive community.  Everyone understands the struggle.

If you were to join us, here are some of the things you’d hear.  From the women [actual quotes, used with permission]:

1. “I know God is there, but I don’t understand why it’s taking so long.”
2. “I’m mad at God that He won’t give us a healthy baby.  I can’t understand:  if He has the capability of giving us a healthy baby, why won’t He?”
3. “I’ve been thinking, “A baby is a baby; give it to me now.”  I have no patience  that’s all I can think about.”
4. “You wonder, why God?  And you think, what else can we do?  What have we done that’s so wrong?”
5. “I wonder, ‘Why?  What did I do wrong before marriage, or during marriage?’”
6. “I keep thinking, why doesn’t God think I should be one of the ones to conceive?”

The men in the group share equally strong feelings about the frustration and uncertainty of waiting for God’s best, but they’re more likely to express their feelings in terms of anger.   They say things like [actual quotes, used with permission]:

1. “Why isn’t God giving me kids of my own?  That’s what I ask myself.”
2. “I am angry at God.  We sincerely want to be parents.  We feel like we’re ready.  We don’t understand why God isn’t ready for us to be parents.”
3. “I feel abandoned by God.”
4. “We’re going to church and going through the motions, but I’m not getting any traction.”
5. “Sometimes, it’s like, ‘You’re not doing me right, God.  This just isn’t right.  What did we do to deserve this?’”
6. “I sure am close to being angry at God.  I don’t understand at all.  I mean, what is going on here?!”

It is not only healthy and appropriate to share feelings like this with people who understand the infertility journey, it’s essential. As Trey said, “You can’t take it all on yourself.  But with infertility, it’s very common to keep it private and not open up.  I think it’s critical to have support.  For us, that was huge.  It’s so important to surround yourself with people who understand and can relate.”

Why?  Because you can’t change your feelings about this experience until you see the connection to your thoughts.  Thoughts determine feelings, actions, and even outcomes.  If your thoughts are consistently anxious and self-focused — When will it happen for me?  Why is everyone able to get pregnant but me?  — you will constantly be filled with worry, feeling helpless and hopeless.

If, instead, you chose to dwell on different thoughts — God has promised His best to those who trust Him, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” — you will begin to feel and act differently.  You will find peace in the midst of uncertainty.  And that can transform the journey.

It’s a moment-by-moment battle to “take thoughts captive” [2 Corinthians 10:5], and one worth fighting.  Surround yourself with people who understand, who are fighting the same fight you are.  Encourage and inspire one another.  And in God’s perfect time, you will emerge victorious.

====================================================

Every person quoted here is now a parent.  It can happen for you, too.  If you’re not in a group, find one or start one; the PregnantWithHope website tells you how.  For more resources and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com.

Infertility & Hope for All

Think of this as “a word from our sponsor”….

Periodically, people ask me how or why I wrote Pregnant with Hope. What made me decide to invest so much time and effort in getting these messages to couples struggling with infertility?  The best answer I can give is that it was never my plan; it was always God’s.

Pregnant with Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples came into being in response to an invitation I received to lead an infertility Bible study.  I’d thought I was dropping in on a group of infertile couples to offer an encouraging word…once… and then leave.  But God had other plans.

When I was asked to lead their class, I prayed about it.  Did I have anything to offer?  Anything meaningful to say that would deliver genuine help and hope?  The spirit of God answered me with a hailstorm of ideas – more in a few hours than I could have generated in months!  Those ideas sorted themselves into ten compelling messages which became the basis for the class — and later, the book.

The couples who came to that class were hanging onto hope by the slimmest of threads.  They were desperate for anything that could convince them that God wasn’t punishing them but was, in fact, drawing near to them and fulfilling His plan for their lives — and the lives of their yet-to-be-born children.  I showed up, and God did the rest.

[Fast forward several years….]

Those couples are now “alumni.”  They’ve all conceived or adopted (100% of them!), and they lead other couples through the same journey, using Pregnant with Hope as their guide.  The wonderful thing is that there was never anything special about me leading the group.  It was our decision to proceed in God-honoring ways that delighted God and — I believe — led Him to choose to bless every couple with a child.

God keeps nudging me forward, to spread words of hope to more people.  That’s how this blog was “born,” and the website, too.  Now, new groups are forming — locally, and around the country.  Hospitals have also embraced the book as a way to give comfort and renew hope for couples who’ve experienced a loss.

I hope the messages God’s led me to deliver are helpful to you.  If you ever want to suggest a blog topic, share your story, or learn more about the ministry behind Pregnant with Hope, please email me:  susan@pregnantwithhope.com.

Remember… God is so near to you.  If you invite Him into your story, and let Him show you His incredible love, I promise it will alter the course of your infertility journey — and your life.

blessings always,

Susan

p.s.  April 24-May 1 is National Infertility Awareness Week.  If you know someone who would benefit from reading this blog (your doctor, a family member, your minister, a friend…) or visiting the website, please consider telling them about it or sending them a link.  Part of how God works is through you.