The Value of Boundaries

What if someone offered to give you a gift to help you make your way through infertility?  Would you be interested?  If they offered to share the secret to restoring a fragile relationship, protecting a vulnerable heart, reducing stress and increasing your sense of peace… would you listen?

What if their advice was practical, actionable, and immediately effective?  Tested and proven?  Intuitively obvious, but almost always overlooked?  Would you be interested?

I would have been.

But when we went through infertility, we kept it very quiet.  So, no one knew to talk to us about how to cope.  They didn’t know how stressed we were, how full of grief, how confused and anxious and lonely.  With no one to talk to and nowhere to turn, we did our best to ride it out while our story spun out of control.

It doesn’t have to be that way for you.

Here’s what we learned the hard way.  It’s helped every couple I’ve ever shared it with – and it’s guaranteed to help you, too.  Set boundaries.  Set them and enforce them.  In his book, Speaking the Truth in Love, Kenneth Haugk calls that “God-pleasing self care.”

Are you surprised?

It works.

Here’s an example.  As we moved from ovulation kits to Clomid to IUI to injections, I got increasingly emotional.  Tears were a frequent occurrence.  Like many husbands, mine responded by moving to the other end of the emotional spectrum.  He got angry.  The more I cried, the angrier he got.  The angrier he got, the more I cried.

At the time, it felt like our emotions were directed at each other.  In truth, we were expressing what we both felt about the situation.  But it seemed like there was never a way to rest from the angst and drama, to take a timeout and focus on something else – until we set some boundaries.

We agreed that, once a week, we would set aside an hour to talk only about infertility.  We would give each other our undivided attention and express any thought or feeling with as much intensity as we wanted or need to.  Then, for the rest of the week, we would not talk about it at all.

Does that sound crazy?  Impossible?

It was fabulous.

Here’s why.  There’s only so much you can say about battling infertility.  Only so many times you can cover the same ground before you start making it worse for both of you.  Boundaries helped us by insuring we would focus completely on the problem and rest completely from it.

Here’s another example.  We learned to keep insensitive family members at arms length.  After a heartbreaking phone call (when they celebrated realizing theirs would be the first grandchild because I’d just miscarried), we recognized their habit of enjoying success at our expense.  So, we set some boundaries.

We quit answering their questions about the next pregnancy.  We responded to thoughtless remarks with silence.  We side-stepped optional engagements, and protected each other’s fragile hearts during mandatory ones.  We were never ugly, but we were firmly self-protective.

Were they offended?  Maybe.  Was that our primary concern?  No.  We needed more peace, less vulnerability, and a greater sense of control in a situation that was largely out of our control.  Haugk calls that “God-pleasing self care,” and it helped tremendously.

Try it.  It can help you, too.

Fertility Fundraising: A Success Story

What if instead of keeping your infertility a secret you actually told everyone?  I mean EVERYONE.  Before you say, “Never!” read this excerpt of a story from the San Francisco Chronicle:

Molly and Brian Walsh were in their mid-30’s when they married.  They wanted to start a family, but Brian has Marfan’s syndrome, a connective tissue disease, and they did not want to pass it on to their child.  They needed $25-30,000 for IVF with PGD (pre-implantation genetic diagnosis).  They saved $10,000.  Then, they did what is to many infertile couples unthinkable:  they went public.  In a big way.  The decision to go public was not easy, but ultimately, this was a race against the clock.  They used email, Facebook and Twitter to invite friends to a “Makin’ Whoopie” wine tasting party, at $35 a head.  Not only did 100 friends agree to attend, they also donated trips, tours, art and wine for a silent auction.  Many also offered up stories of their own struggles with fertility to encourage the Walshes in their pursuit of a healthy, successful pregnancy.

Funds raised:  $8000.  Hope renewed:  priceless.

What do you think?  Outrageous?  Inspired?  Unimaginable?  Whatever you may think about the idea, I think there’s a lot to learn from the story.  Here are some examples you could follow:

1. Face the truth – For Molly & Brian, inheritable genetic defects indicated IVF with PGD.  And that required a big budget.  Money was tight and time was short.  The facts weren’t encouraging, but facing them squarely gave them a starting point.
2. Set pride aside – The one variable they could control was their insistence on privacy.  Once they realized they needed assistance to reach their goal, the choice was clear:  forget pride, get help.  All that required was humility.
3. Come out of hiding – The party invitation read:  “You can’t help us in the bedroom, but you can help us make a baby.”  Pretense was pointless, as was secrecy.  They sent invitations to hundreds of people – some of whom they hadn’t seen or talked to in years.
4. Ask for help – Their request for help explained their situation and invited people who cared to be part of the solution.  The humility inherent in their appeal was irresistible to many of those they contacted.
5. Invite openness – After publicly telling their story, the Walshes experienced an unexpected blessing:  “Our friends shared amazing stories with us on Facebook – successes, as well as struggles and challenges.”  The Walsh’s willingness to share their story opened the door for other couples to do the same.
6. Build community –  Before this, Brian Walsh said, “we had felt like a private island in no-man’s land – surrounded by friends who have kids.”  Knowing about other couples’ struggles “made it easier.”  The Walshes formed new bonds with old friends whose success conceiving had seemed to create a wall of separation; now, they shared a common foe (infertility) and a common goal (parenthood).
7. Encourage investment – The Walsh’s friends literally invested in the outcome of their infertility journey.  But even figurative investments translate into ongoing support & concern, instead of perceived judgment or unwelcome pity.
8. Leave a legacy – The Walsh’s creative campaign not only raised funds, it also created a huge network of loving future godparents – each of whom is deeply invested in breathing life into the dream of a Walsh family.  What a legacy… for this newly-strengthened community of friends, and for the Walsh’s much-anticipated child.

I believe the example the Walshes set is relevant to every infertility journey.  Not the party, necessarily… but the logic behind it.  The Bible teaches that we are one body [I Cor 12:22-27].  We need each other.  We are intended to bear each other’s burdens, and share each other’s joys.  How can that happen if infertile couples refuse to share their secret, ask for help, build community, or invite others to become invested in their success?

Party or no party, I think the Walshes are onto something.

What do you think?

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

Hurtful Words from Those We Trust

For infertile couples, part of the frustration – and a major source of heartache – is other people’s cluelessness.  It may be rooted in ignorance, inexperience, a lack of social skills, or pure self-absorption.  Whatever the reason, the words of others can cause deep, lasting pain to hearts that are already fragile.

Just after I miscarried twins, we called my husband’s brother to share our heartbreaking news.  We had no idea that he and his wife were also planning to start a family.  His reaction?  “That’s too bad… but now we’ll have the first grandchild!!”

I was speechless.  It took everything I had to get to the end of the phone call.

Thankfully, it’s not always that bad.  But people can be incredibly insensitive.  Has that been your experience?  People you think of as loving family or supportive friends suddenly seem incapable of saying anything helpful?  Instead, their words slice right through your spirit and take your breath away?

It’s a common problem for couples going through infertility.

People you trust and care about will be thoughtless enough to ask, “why haven’t you two started a family?”  Or, they’ll hand out gratuitous, unsolicited advice like, “just adopt – you’ll get pregnant right away” or, “go on vacation – that’s how we got pregnant” or, “stop worrying about it – it’ll happen sooner or later” – as if tossing these tidbits is all it takes to help you.

Surely, they don’t mean to be heartless.  Or patronizing.  Or dismissive of the challenge you face.  But, all too often, they pour salt in your wound.  When the tears threaten to pour down your cheeks, you may wonder, am I being oversensitive?  Too defensive?

I don’t think so.

It is hard to explain this journey to someone who hasn’t made it – the stress… the fear… the tension… the uncertainty… the worry… the anger… the grief… the sense of being far removed from everyone and everything “normal”… the inability to get on with your life because you’ve put everything on hold.

How do you say all of that in the middle of a phone call?  Or a church hallway?  Or a restaurant?

You can’t.

But, here’s what you can do:

Set some boundaries – Recognize that you know better than anyone else what helps you now – and what doesn’t.  Set firm, healthy boundaries that will protect your vulnerable heart.  Make choices that fill your spirit with hope and surround you with people who truly understand how to help.  Say “no” to people and events that leave you empty, discouraged, or afraid.  Remember, “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power….” [II Tim 1:7].  Use that power to enforce good boundaries.

Give some grace – It’s hard to imagine trying to muster compassion for someone whose remark has just reduced you to tears.  The temptation is to focus on the pain they’ve caused.  Don’t do it.  Release it, reclaim your hope, and let God heal your wound.  As Jesus prayed, “…forgive them, they know not what they do” [Luke 23:34].

Find some community – You may be looking to the wrong community for encouragement and hope.  If family and friends have failed to offer meaningful support, seek out other couples who understand this journey.  Meet with a counselor or clergy member who is not afraid to confront your feelings.  And claim this promise, “…hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us” [Romans 5:5].  When no one else stands with you, God delivers His hope to you through the Holy Spirit.

Make some progress – There is no greater satisfaction in this journey than sensing forward progress.  Instead of measuring it just by test results or egg harvests, learn to measure progress this way:  “… let us throw off everything that hinders us… and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us” [Heb 12:1-2].  Hurtful remarks hinder us.  So does dwelling on them.  If we are to run with perseverance, then this isn’t likely to be a sprint.  We must pace ourselves – and applaud every bit of progress we make.

The Finish Line is waiting.  Don’t be distracted by the voices of the crowd.

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Find more resources and cause for hope at PregnantWithHope.com

To the Ones Who Can Change Things….

Have you ever sat through a church service wondering why nothing you’re hearing speaks to your infertility journey? Or struggled through a baptism wondering if you’ll be able to hold back the tears? Have you ever left a couples’ Sunday school class because you don’t fit in with effortlessly fertile people? Or hustled up the side aisle of the sanctuary because you cannot hear one more word about a ‘family church’ where are all welcome, and everyone finds a place?

Welcome to the club.

The bad news is that you can’t help but be a member of this club if you’re in the midst of the infertility journey. Every church of every denomination seems unable to find a way to acknowledge your struggle, much less meet your needs.

Is that impossible to change? I don’t think so. Will it take a herculean effort on someone else’s part? Nope; just a little-bitty one on yours.

Here’s my idea.

I’ve written an open letter to Faith Leaders, and I’m asking you to deliver it. Email it directly to your ministry team and sign your name, or tuck it anonymously into an offering plate. It doesn’t matter which. Just do it at least once (more than once isn’t a bad idea). Get it in the hands of the right people – and give them what they need to help you make your way to parenthood.

Not sure it’ll change anything? Think of it this way:  the worst that can happen is status quo. But maybe, they’ll listen and learn. And wouldn’t that be a blessing?

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Dear Faith Leader,

In the midst of your congregation are infertile couples longing for help and hope. I am reaching out to you as one of them.

We come here searching for the God who put the dream of parenting in our hearts. As His representative, we look to you for inspiration, wisdom and guidance. Sadly, more often than not, we come away from worship feeling invisible, discouraged, and as if we don’t belong here.  We know that is not God’s desire, and it is not your intention. So, here’s what we ask of you:

1)      See Us – Recognize that 1-in-every-6 couples struggles with infertility issues. Not just women; men, too.  Because of social stigma, we are hesitant to self-identify… but we are here.

2)      Acknowledge Us – It is painful to sit in the pew and hear messages that presume we are not present or not emotionally vulnerable. We are in your midst during baptisms, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, children’s choir performances… all the reminders of what we desperately want but do not have. Please don’t ignore our suffering. Speak a word of hope to those of us who would give anything to be part of these special events.

3)      Inspire Us – Scripture is full of hope-giving words. Speak them over us! Are you not sure how they apply to our circumstances?Read Pregnant with Hope: Good News for Infertile Couples. According to Columbia Seminary President Dr. Stephen Hayner, “It invites couples on a journey of hope and healing of the kind only God can give. It is a book for struggling couples, and for those of us who love them and often don’t know what to say or do. I’m so thankful for this resource! May God use it mightily.”

4)      Walk With Us – Do more than talk the talk. Make this journey alongside us, offering the comfort of your steady presence. Pray for us, reach out to us, listen to us, connect us with other infertile couples… show us you are not afraid to be fully present with us in this. Face each challenge next to us, ready to show by example how we can live into God’s promises as we make our way toward parenthood.

5)      Support Us – Statistically speaking, we are not the only infertile couple in this congregation. There are others who need the same kind of help and hope we long to receive. Please consider launching a support group for infertile couples. All the resources you need can be found on the PregnantWithHope.com website. And if you choose to lead us, there are hundreds of blog posts on PregnantWithHope.wordpress.com that can help you better understand our struggles – and the kind of messages that can renew our faith and restore our joy.

Please give this serious consideration.

Your grateful congregant

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Secondary Infertility: Mourning vs. Hope

I know a couples counselor who experienced secondary infertility years ago.  He and his wife decided that one child was not a whole family, and that – for them – natural conception was the only acceptable road to parenthood.  They tried and prayed, and tried and prayed.  But it never happened.  They remained a family of three.

Years later, they still mourn the fact that their prayers for a second child went unanswered.

This therapist shares his story of unfulfilled longing with couple after couple – through his practice, through talks at churches and to groups like the one I led for several years.  My sense is that he means to offer comfort and commiseration from the vantage point of one who has shared in similar suffering and uncertainty.

When I’ve heard him speak, he’s included sobering statistics about infertility and stories about the stress it brings into relationships.  He’s clearly knowledgeable and very experienced.

So, why am I not a big fan?

Because I think he has the potential to do as much harm as good.  Not just because I’ve seen people reduced to puddles of tears by the undercurrent of resignation in his words, but because his messages never seem to reflect the light and life of the Holy Spirit.  They don’t reveal deep trust in God’s plan, His goodness and His purposefulness.  And they are not infused with Christ-centered hope.

But that’s what infertile couples need – someone to remind them that the truths of scripture are not for someone else, or for some other time or situation.  They are for us.  Now.

This counselor’s experience has taught him to focus on managing the downside – tackling the negative emotions and stressful issues inherent in the journey, and getting people prepared to deal with a life that may well be defined by their failure.

Is that practical?  In some ways.  Is it helpful?  I’m not so sure.

Here’s the problem I see… consciously or not, he sends the signal, ‘Your worst fears could be realized; your dream might never come to pass.; God might fail to deliver.’  That’s what he took away from his infertility journey.  But, God never fails us!  He longs to see His perfect will for us fulfilled in our lives.

Then why didn’t God give this man a second child?

I’m convinced that when he and his wife set strict limits on how God could expand their family, they closed doors He may have intended to open:  egg or sperm donation, IUI,  IVF, surrogacy, adoption, foster parenting….  who knows?  It could have been some combination of those, or all of them.

Was it wrong to set those limits?  No, it was their choice to make.  But,  the absence of a second child doesn’t mean God said ‘no’ to them.  They may have been the ones who said ‘no’ to God — by closing every door but one.

God’s permissive will gives us the freedom to close any doors, set any limits, and refuse any alternatives to our own will for ourselves.  But, with that privilege comes the risk that our choices will move us away from His best, instead of toward it.

Is that what happened with the therapist and his wife?  Only God knows for sure.  But here’s what I know… when we act out of obedience and trust, it honors God.  And scripture says He responds to our faith by drawing near to us and delighting Himself in blessing us.  That kind of interaction with God transforms people in ways that strengthen their faith, fill them with confident hope, and reinvigorate their belief in His faithfulness.

That’s not what I see in this man.  Instead, I see someone who’s made it his life’s work to walk infertile couples down the long, dark path that he and his wife walked many years ago.  Don’t get me wrong; I think there is a real kindness in his desire to give guidance and comfort.  But God calls us to so much more than a long walk down a dark path.

He calls us into the light.  He calls us to believe that He can do anything.  And He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are willing to put down our lists of terms and conditions, hold out our open hands, and say:

“Lord, I welcome whatever you choose to give, in whatever form you choose to give it.  I know that your will for me is always your very best.  Please help me wait for it patiently, confident in your goodness, and in complete peace.”

 

What Infertile Couples Want & Need

What can you say to the people around you who want to love you through the struggle with infertility, but have no idea what to do or how to help?  Kathleen Parker, an Opinion columnist for the Washington Post, offered guidance in an editorial about gifts….

“Here is giving:  Listening.  Sparing time.  Not interrupting.  Holding that thought.  Leaving the last drop.  Staying home.  Turning it off, whatever it is.  Making eye contact.  Picking it up.  Take the room’s temperature.  Paying attention.  Waiting.”

That’s how you help an infertile couple.  That’s how you love us through this incredibly challenging, frustrating, stressful, heartbreaking journey.  That’s how you stop trying to fix it, and instead, bless us by being fully present in the moment with us.

By listening, not interrupting, holding that thought, and paying attention –  Sometimes, we need to voice confusion or wrestle aloud with our uncertainty.  Don’t give us “the answer.”  That’s patronizing.  If it were simple, we would have figured it out already.  Instead, keep quiet and give us a chance to blow off steam, rant without fearing a reaction, or cry without worrying you can’t take the drama.  Don’t.  Say.  A word.  You’ll be amazed how your attentive silence speaks volumes.

By sparing time, turning it off (whatever it is), taking the room’s temperature, and making eye contact – So much about the struggle with infertility is humbling and demeaning.  Don’t make us beg for your time or attention.  Don’t make us feel something else is more important.  Be attuned to our moods, and when the room’s temperature is too “hot” or “cold,” be sensitive to what that tells you about what we need:  time alone, or a hug?  Eye contact that invites a confidence, or a glance that says, ‘I know you’re hurting’?  Be.  Fully.  Present.  You’ll be amazed how your attentive heart radiates loving support.

By leaving the last drop, staying home, picking it up, and… waiting –  Infertility makes us feel incredibly vulnerable, wounded and fragile.  Your thoughtfulness can be an amazing antidote.  It lifts our spirits without making us feel guilty or indebted.  Don’t make us ask for kindness; we won’t.  Just know that the littlest kindness is magnified a thousand times by our need to feel that someone cares.  It doesn’t take much, and no words are required.  In fact, it’s better if you let your actions speak.  Not sure what to do?  Wait.  Pay attention.  You’ll see an opportunity.  And you’ll be amazed how your attentive action tells us you understand.

Parker concludes, “Do unto others…. The alternative is surely hell.”

That sums it up pretty succinctly.  There are moments along the infertility journey that are hellish.  When there’s no heartbeat on the ultrasound.  When the doctor’s office isn’t calling and the bleeding won’t stop.  When the baby comes too soon and can’t possibly survive.  When it’s time to tell everyone who thought there was a baby, “We lost it.”  When the dream seems to be dying, and hope is barely alive.

In that moment, do unto us as you would want us to do for you.  Would you want privacy?  Give us some.  Would you want kindness?  Extend it.  Would you need a shoulder to cry on?  Offer one.  Would you be angry at the world?  Understand our intense emotions.  Would you need wisdom?  Know that we will seek it when we are ready to internalize it.  Don’t try to force it on us if we don’t ask for it.  You won’t get the response you want.

“Here is giving….”  Parker began.  So, we’ve made it clear.  This is how you help us.  Now that we’ve told you what we need, please give us the gift of love in ways we will gratefully receive.

Choosing to Do Something for Infertile Couples

In a recent sermon, Andy Stanley, pastor of Northpoint Church, urged his listeners to consider this New Year’s resolution:

“Do for one what you wish you could do for everyone.”

He was acknowledging the paralysis many people experience in the face of what seem to be intractable problems.  “What can anyone do to fix this?” people ask.  When the answer is too overwhelming to contemplate – or when a solution appears literally impossible – they give in to defeat, often without doing anything.

But God calls us to do something.

Eloise Drane is a living example of the power of doing for one what you wish you could do for everyone.  Several years ago, she donated a kidney to her cousin.  He died soon afterward from an uncontrolled infection.  Despite the heartbreak of that loss, she was changed by the joy of giving a part of herself so selflessly.

Less than a year later, having had four childen of her own (with no fertility issues), she realized there were virtually no resources available for infertile people of color.  So, she decided to become an egg donor.  Thanks to her willingness to do what many African-Americans weren’t even willing to consider, three babies were born to couples who otherwise might never have become parents.

Eloise felt called to do more.  So, she agreed to be a surrogate for a couple she “met” through the internet.  Her husband felt conflicted about her decision.  He asked her pointblank: “Do you need to rescue everyone?!”  She explained that God had put a burden on her heart for couples who could not conceive, and she felt compelled to do something in response.  After a long discussion, he agreed to support her decision.

It took three transfers, but she conceived and delivered twins.

Last October, she contacted me through the PregnantWithHope.com website.  We began talking about her sense that God is calling her to lead a support group for infertile couples using the book Pregnant With Hope as the basis for discussion.  This would be a different approach – helping more than one couple at a time.  Did I think struggling couples would accept a “fertile” as their leader?  Could she support them in meaningful ways if she hadn’t experienced infertility herself?

We agreed to keep talking and praying about the decision.  In the meantime, she agreed to a second surrogacy in the hope of helping another couple.  The transfer went smoothly, but there was no pregnancy.  She was devastated.

“I was so invested in this,” she told me, “and so sure it was going to work for them.”  Her grief surprised her with its intensity — giving her new insight into the rollercoaster emotions infertile couples experience.  I believe that was the blessing-in-disguise in this failed attempt.

The experience equipped her to empathize more completely, and to talk more comprehensively about the entire infertility journey – its highs and lows.  That will make her a better leader when she launches her group next month.

Andy Stanley advised, “Go deep, not wide.  Go long, not short.  Give effort, not just money.”  Eloise has done that.  More than once.  Her willingness to break racial taboos and respond to people’s suffering with compassionate action has helped bring five babies into the world.

This year, may there be others like her who respond to the growing awareness of infertility by saying, “Yes, I want to help someone.”

The Church’s Silence on Infertility

Very often, couples who discover that one or both of them is infertile enter a self-imposed exile.  Painfully aware of their “differentness,” they struggle to find solutions to their problem while protecting their privacy and newfound sense of vulnerability.

When questions arise – “What’s wrong with us?  What did we do to deserve this?  Is this a punishment for something?  Is God refusing our prayers and withholding this blessing?” – it can be difficult to know where to go for answers.

As it turns out, infertile couples aren’t the only ones struggling with these questions.  Clergy find them difficult to answer, too.  That results in both stigma and heartache.

When Dr. Stephen Hayner, president of Columbia Theological Seminary, first encountered Pregnant With Hope, he responded to its content with gratitude:  “This is a book for those who are struggling – and for those of us who love them and often don’t know what to say or do.” 

There’s the truth, and it’s a problem:  clergy often don’t know what to say or do.  They want to help.  They recognize that infertility is a painful, heartbreaking, faith-threatening problem.  But they have no idea how to deliver hope in a practical, meaningful way.

As a result, they tend to choose one of two strategies.  Either they address the problem vaguely and conceptually, saying things like “all suffering is the result of original sin.”  Or, they ignore the problem completely and hope it will go away.

Neither strategy helps.

Instead, both strategies make it harder for couples to draw near to the God who can seem to be more a part of the problem than the source of the solution.  So, what happens?  Couples leave the church, no longer able to find a voice that speaks to their needs, or a community that understands their problems.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

Faith leaders just need to be educated:  How do you help infertile couples?  How do you support them?  How do you reinforce their sense of belonging when their circumstances make them feel isolated and apart from everything normal?  How do you inspire them to draw nearer to the God who cares deeply about them?

Dr. Hayner recognized this need in his seminary students.  That’s why he responded so enthusiastically to Pregnant With Hope.  The same Bible verses, insights and personal narratives that empower infertile couples can prepare clergy to help them along the journey.

Once they are equipped, faith leaders can confront the stigma of infertility, addressing it openly from the pulpit (not just in private meetings with individual congregants).  They can also sensitize their communities to those who are suffering, and equip people to be sources of comfort and strength for one another.

How can you help bring about this change?  First, recognize that it is difficult to be a change agent when you are in the midst of an infertility journey.  You have a right to feel resentful that you should have to tackle this, along with everything else that’s challenging you.  But remember:  if you do, you’ll be helping yourself – and the infertile couples who come after you.

Second, understand that those who take on the role of change agent tend to do so out of desperation – “We need support!”  That’s a good reason, and a very motivating one.  If you’ve reached that point, what can you do to bring about meaningful change?  Try any one (or more) of these ideas:

1)      Write to your faith leaders.  Share your story – confidentially, if you prefer.  Ask for both private and public support.  Make clear that you are not the only infertile person in the congregation (statistically, 1-in-every-6 couples is struggling or has struggled with infertility).

2)      Send your clergy a link to this website, a copy of Pregnant With Hope, or both.  If you want to protect your identity, drop it in the offering plate anonymously.  They will discover that these messages have been enthusiastically endorsed by a seminary president and numerous religious leaders, as well as physicians, therapists and counselors (church-affiliated & secular).  Attach a note urging them to read with an open mind and a heart full of compassion – and then act as they feel led.

3)      Offer to meet with your faith leader – to share your questions, your struggles, and your needs.  Ask them to start a support group, invite a guest speaker, or provide some other tangible evidence of the church’s concern and desire to help.

Whatever you do, remember that it doesn’t take a huge effort to make a significant change!  Realize that this may be one of the ways God is bringing good out of your journey.  Consider your action – whatever it may be – one of the ways you demonstrate your trust in God’s purposefulness.  And then, do something.

The church can change, but we will have to voice the need and point the way.

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Use the tools below to forward this post to someone who wants your church to change, or can help make it happen.  For more resources & inspiration, visit PregnantWithHope.com.

Considering an Infertility Consultant

Five years ago, Mindy Berkson was one of the first entrants into a relatively new field:  infertility consulting.  Her Chicago-based business, which grew out of her own battle with infertility and leveraged her background in venture capital, now serves clients “from all over the globe.”

Recently, I asked her several specific questions to help you assess the value of inviting a consultant – other than your doctor – to accompany you on your infertility journey.  Here’s what she had to say….

“What I find most gratifying is helping my clients become their own best advocate throughout the process.”   For Mindy, that means connecting couples to all the resources they need – whether that translates into identifying a fertility specialist with above-average success rates, locating an appropriate egg donor or surrogate, finding an insurance policy with maternity coverage, or tackling the various financial & legal issues inherent in IVF, egg donation or surrogacy.

Can’t you do that yourself?  Well, maybe….

But Mindy’s goal is to make your journey simpler, more efficient, and more successful.  So, for example, she helps clients identify ideal egg donors or surrogacy candidates “in a shortened time frame – typically, two weeks.”  She helps reduce costs and mitigate financial risk through prearranged, pre-negotiated contracts with agencies nationwide.  And, she specializes in locating difficult-to-identify donors, such as members of minority ethnic groups.

So, is that her real added value?  Speed?  According to Mindy, it’s more than that.  Her intention is to balance hope with caution.  She wants to enable clients to move freely from a failed cycle to the next opportunity, while minimizing risks – including those risks couples may not recognize or know how to handle.

Experience taught her that there is a grieving process associated with not being able to conceive naturally, and that strong emotions combined with fatigue can make it difficult to think clearly or assess options.  Her objective is to help couples move as quickly as possible from failure to success so that “they feel proactive – not stuck,” and so they regain some sense of control on this emotional rollercoaster ride.

That means helping couples set realistic expectations – emotionally, physically and financially – and walking them through tough decisions at critical emotional junctures.

How does Mindy measure success?  “Our success is measured not only by each couple’s satisfaction with our services, but by the joy they experience in growing their families.”

The Bible promises that when we send prayers to heaven, God sends help to Earth.  Might an infertility consultant be one of the ways God sends help?  Every couple’s situation is different.  For some couples, Mindy’s fee might seem like another financial hurdle to clear – and therefore, a substantial negative.  But for others, she might literally be a God-send.

If nothing else, the sheer fact that she exists and that people like her are dedicating their time, energy and passion to helping you become a family should be profound cause for hope.  Tuck that thought away for the next time you think, “this isn’t working and no one cares.”

In truth, lots of us do.

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For more information on Mindy Berkson’s infertility consulting, click this link.  For more inspiration and cause for hope, visit PregnantWithHope.com.

The Secret

What if someone offered to give you a gift to help you make your way through infertility?  Would you be interested?  If they offered to share the secret to restoring a fragile relationship, protecting a vulnerable heart, reducing stress and increasing your sense of peace… would you listen?

What if their advice was practical, actionable, and immediately effective?  Tested and proven?  Intuitively obvious, but almost always overlooked?  Would you be interested?

I would have been.

But when we went through infertility, we kept it very quiet.  So, no one knew to talk to us about how to cope.  They didn’t know how stressed we were, how full of grief, how confused and anxious and lonely.  With no one to talk to and nowhere to turn, we did our best to ride it out while our story spun out of control.

It doesn’t have to be that way for you.

Here’s what we learned the hard way.  It’s helped every couple I’ve ever shared it with – and it’s guaranteed to help you, too.  Set boundaries.  Set them and enforce them.  In his book, Speaking the Truth in Love, Kenneth Haugk calls that “God-pleasing self care.”

Are you surprised?

It works.

Here’s an example.  As we moved from ovulation kits to Clomid to IUI to injections, I got increasingly emotional.  Tears were a frequent occurrence.  Like many husbands, mine responded by moving to the other end of the emotional spectrum.  He got angry.  The more I cried, the angrier he got.  The angrier he got, the more I cried.

At the time, it felt like our emotions were directed at each other.  In truth, we were expressing what we both felt about the situation.  But it seemed like there was never a way to rest from the angst and drama, to take a timeout and focus on something else – until we set some boundaries.

We agreed that, once a week, we would set aside an hour to talk only about infertility.  We would give each other our undivided attention and express any thought or feeling with as much intensity as we wanted or need to.  Then, for the rest of the week, we would not talk about it at all.

Does that sound crazy?  Impossible?

It was fabulous.

Here’s why.  There’s only so much you can say about battling infertility.  Only so many times you can cover the same ground before you start making it worse for both of you.  Boundaries helped us by insuring we would focus completely on the problem and rest completely from it.

Here’s another example.  We learned to keep insensitive family members at arms length.  After a heartbreaking phone call (when they celebrated realizing theirs would be the first grandchild because I’d just miscarried), we recognized their habit of enjoying success at our expense.  So, we set some boundaries.

We quit answering their questions about the next pregnancy.  We responded to thoughtless remarks with silence.  We side-stepped optional engagements, and protected each other’s fragile hearts during mandatory ones.  We were never ugly, but we were firmly self-protective.

Were they offended?  Maybe.  Was that our primary concern?  No.  We needed more peace, less vulnerability, and a greater sense of control in a situation that was largely out of our control.  Haugk calls that “God-pleasing self care,” and it helped tremendously.

Try it.  It can help you, too.